Leaf Fifty-two: It's Only the Beginning

It’s hard to know where to start as the feeling of accomplishing what I set out to do this past year is a bit surreal. The time has flown by, but the transformation of my soul is one that will last a lifetime. One of the greatest lessons fifty-two leaves has taught me is that living wholeheartedly is a never ending journey. Rather than fulfilling a goal and moving on to the next, I have established a lifestyle that requires consistent faith, self-exploration, and connection with those around me. I feel an overwhelming sense of spirituality at this time, something that I never knew before. The gratitude for life that holds my heart allows me to see the meaning in each day, showing me how to connect to the moments that are worth living for. I will forever look back on 2012 and smile, for it was the year that I discovered who Ash truly is and what she is capable of. Thank you to all who supported me, inspired my writing, and came along for the ride.

 

Today, I am recognizing where I started, as it set the foundation for what took place this past year. If anyone is to take anything from my journey, I hope they remember the words of Dr. Brené Brown, “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough”. We are all enough, today, right now. Worthy of love, both for ourselves and others. The hardest thing I think we will ever overcome in this lifetime is the battle that takes place within ourselves. It was not until I decided to love me, my imperfections and all, that I was able to truly live. One lesson that I bring consistently into my work, is that of self-love. From personal experience, I know that until we have a loving relationship with our own soul, we are unable to truly know that type of relationship elsewhere.

 

“It’s the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking for it!” –Unknown

 

Before fifty-two leaves, I searched for Ash through external experiences. If someone could love me, than that meant I was worthy. I was continuously let down, feeling worse with each rejection, whether it was a significant other, family member, or friend, I depended on their feedback for my own self-love. One of the greatest things to come from fifty-two leaves is the relationship I now have with myself. It may sound a bit narcissistic, but I believe with my whole heart that we are only able to love others as much as we love ourselves. The compassion I have for my faults and mistakes have helped me overcome much shame. It is taught me how to teach others how to cultivate appreciation for who they are. Most importantly, it has taught me how to love. The moment I stopped looking for my heart everywhere else and turned inward, I discovered an everlasting peace.

 

With that peace, I have been able to cultivate meaning into my life. My relationships with my family and friends and others around me have never been stronger. I seek connection for the right reasons, rather than hoping others will tell me I am “lovable”. Because I know I am worthy, I am able to give incredible compassion and love to those around me. My work as a therapist has transformed, allowing me to create an environment for others to heal. I am so humbled by the experiences of my clients, their strength and the courage they have to share their stories. I have discovered a love for a man who makes me a better person. Who challenges me every day, makes me laugh, and has taught me what it means to truly love another. Dallas gives me hope for relationships, that as we come to love ourselves we are able to thrive with our partners.

 

Gratitude is the driving force behind fifty-two leaves. Being grateful, and seeking out gratefulness, has filled my heart in an invaluable way. The ritual of practicing gratitude in my life fuels my wholehearted journey. Although my fifty-two leaves are coming to a close, the spirit that has been created will continue to live on forever. It takes practice every single day to know that I am worthy, that I deserve to be loved. Life is full of challenges, ups that feel so high, and downs that make it seem like the world is falling apart. To be happy and healthy is to not be free of those downs, it is to realize that we all have them and if we believe in ourselves, love who we are, we can overcome anything.

 

While this seems like the end, for me, it is only the beginning. Tune in for words to come, I am thinking of titling my next blog…My Wholehearted Life. Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

Leaf Fifty-one: On My Highway

Last Saturday, my best friend Lex and I made the 5hour trek from San Diego to Las Vegas. This wasn’t our first road trip together and it won’t be our last, but like all the ones that came before, there is no one I would rather have in the car than her. I blogged about this lovely woman many leaves back, yet, there will never be enough words to describe how important she has become in my life. About 7.5 years ago, Lex and I embarked on a journey that forever shaped who we are as individuals. If you would have asked us back then what was to become of us, there would be much laughter. We have both grown incredibly, thriving in life, taking on new challenges, discovering who we are, and always remembering where we started. So many things have changed since our freshmen year dorm room, still there is a part embedded in our identity, reigniting each time we connect again. Lex truly knows the deepest parts of my soul, holding me accountable for who I am and always believing in me. The friendship we have with one another is rare. It is powerful on a level that I hope everyone in the world has the opportunity to encounter in their lives. She is my person, the one I can call from my darkest corner to be greeted with kind words and an open heart. Somehow Lex knows how to make everything okay when I seem to think the world is falling apart. As I begin to wrap up this beautiful fifty-two expedition, I am so very thankful to be able to share my wholehearted life with Lex. There is nothing greater in this world than connection with people who truly love you for you. No matter where we go or what is next, Lex will be there and I for her.

 

My title for this week’s leaf is inspired by the Jason Aldean song “On My Highway”. It started playing after I left Lex in Las Vegas and was continuing my drive home to Cedar City. I became captivated by the words as Jason talks about the “highway” as a metaphor for his life. In the first verse he sings:

 

            On my highway, the yellow lines

Have disappeared from time to time

And I've wound up

On the wrong side of the road

            On my highway, I've gone too fast

Afraid that I might finish last

I hooked a curve too hard and lost control

Oh, I never know which way it's gonna go

But what a feelin' chasin' the sun

Livin' my life like it's shot from a gun

Laughin' a little bit more with every mile

Oh, what a freedom racin' the wind

Dyin' to know what's around the next bend

And smilin' as I watch the years roll by

I'm learnin' how to take it day by day

On my highway

 

The highway metaphor made sense for me. I have lived the life where I have worked hard to continue on the same road—being perfect, trying not to disappoint anyone, etc., etc. It kept me above water for a long time, but it never propelled me to the surface. Once I started embracing the highway to my heart, the kind of life that Jason talks about in the song, the surface never seemed closer. There are days where I need the “yellow lines”, the ones that keep me focused and motivated on my goals. My favorite days though, are the ones where I let the yellow lines go. When I throw my clothes around the room, leave my bed unmade, cry because it feels good, love with my whole heart, make moves on a crowded dance floor, smile at a stranger, get lost in Dallas’s arms, laugh uncontrollably with my friends, and have an everlasting faith that everything will be okay. Those are the moments that make up my highway.

 

So it only seems fitting that my road trip home with Lex be titled “On My Highway”, both literally and figuratively. And also because without Lex who knows what my highway would look like. One of the greatest blessings that has come from my wholehearted journey is the deep appreciation I have for the relationships that are part of my life. Through the good and the bad, I am a better person because of the individuals that I have encountered in my life, the beautiful friendships I surround myself with, the love I have for an amazing man and the graciousness and support I receive from my family. People make my highway of life much more exciting.

Leaves Forty-eight - Fifty

December marks the final month of my incredible, wholehearted, fifty-two leaf journey.  It is crazy how quickly time passes, how much changes, and how much the same stays. Leaves forty-eight – fifty have been as exciting as all the others. Enjoy!

 

Leaf Forty-eight: A Bizzy Hike

 

The beautiful thing about dating such a genuine person is that he tends to surround himself with pretty fantastic people. One of the many blessings that I have encountered since meeting Dallas, are his family and friends. Back in August, his cousin Elizabeth (aka: Bizzy), moved to San Diego to start nursing school. Her and I instantly hit it off and in the meantime have established such a refreshing friendship.  I enjoy so much meeting people who have the same regard for life as I do. Bizzy is no doubt one of the kindest, most loving souls I have met. She values the simple moments and gives genuinely to others. Naturally, I have gravitated to her company and admire her ability to manage school, transition to a new city, and fit in a social life. Like I said, we have become fast friends and enjoy many of the same activities. I love spending time with people who want to be active and outside, something I do not take advantage of nearly enough living in San Diego.

 

A couple weeks ago, Bizzy and I planned a Friday afternoon hike to Cowles Mountain.  The hike has a decent incline, with a gorgeous 360° view of San Diego once you reach the top. I have done the climb a couple times, but did not realize until a couple weeks ago how closely located it is to my work. Needless to say, it something I am going to incorporate monthly. After a long week and a challenging caseload, exercising with a good friend was exactly what my mind, body and soul needed. Bizzy is the type of person you can just be with. I thrive with the people who it is effortless to be present with. It does not matter the length of time between seeing one another, or what we do, just the fact to be connecting over a stress-relieving-got-to-give-love-to-myself kind of activity is all that matters. Looking forward to continuing to get to know Bizzy’s genuine spirit as well as feel inspired by her deep regard for life.

 

Leaf Forty-nine: Staying In

 

You know you have found someone great when you can spend a Friday and Saturday night doing absolutely nothing and have no desire to be anywhere else in the world. From the beginning, I have loved how much Dallas enjoys being social. I love going out, meeting new people, grabbing a few drinks, and of course, letting loose on the dance floor. Together, Dal and I have such a great time out. He has made my transition to “adult life” feel less real by keeping me close to the 22 year old world…haha…I enjoy so much being able to go out with him and his friends. On the flip side, Dal and I have some of our best moments together alone simply enjoying one another’s company.  A couple of weekends ago we decided to stay in. We watched movies, snuggled up close on the couch. I never wanted it to end. I love, love, love spending my time wrapped up in his arms, sometimes I think I could stay there forever and never move.  With each new day, I feel closer to Dallas…I understand his heart a little better, love him a little more. This is the most incredible feeling in the world…to know what a healthy, loving relationship is. To be with someone who treats you absolutely amazing. Respects you. Genuinely loves you. I feel empowered at the end of the day to be able to say “this is what I deserve and this is what I will have forever”. Wherever the future takes Dallas and I, the experience together has given me an invaluable gift for the meaning of love, one that will stick with me always.

 

Leave Fifty: 2^nd Tuesday of the Month

 

Last week I met up with my girlfriend and colleague, Chelsea, for drinks and dinner in Little Italy. We had not seen each other since the day we finished our graduate program…needless to say, there was much to catch up on. After three hours of chatting, a few too many glasses of wine and not enough food, we decided to call it a night out of fear of a wicked hangover for a Wednesday morning.

 

I have been incredibly fortunate to develop enduring relationships with genuine, soulful people the last couple of years. Chelsea, no doubt, has maintained a constant inspiration, example, and confidence since early on in my graduate program. She is a beautiful woman, who has taught me a lot about loving myself. I appreciate so much her courage to share her story with me. She has always made me feel comfortable and supported. Meeting up last Tuesday was a reminder of how important connection with good friends is in my life.

 

The last four months have felt a bit lonely on the friend side. A transition to a new job, family challenges, and developing a beautiful love interest, has resulted in the loss of some who I thought I was close with. It has been frustrating, while equally relieving. I have come to find out that the people who truly love me, who know my soul, will continue to remain in my life. A couple years ago, I do not know if I could have reached this same place. I would have been very upset that someone was disappointed or mad at me. I am sad to lose relationships, but I am also realizing what types of individuals are healthy for me. One of thing I have learned and taken to heart from Dr. Brené Brown’s work is the importance of setting boundaries and holding others accountable. As I teach my client’s, setting boundaries is crucial to taking care of oneself. Some people will not be accepting of our boundaries. We may lose those we thought were the “closest” to us. But in the end, if we believe that we are worthy and deserving of love, we will continue to seek out the people who truly bring those things out in us and stimulate growth within our heart.

 

Chelsea has always been a friend that has brought out the best in me. We seem to always challenge one another to be better people, individually, and also in our relationships. As I drove to meet up with her on Tuesday, I had this overwhelming feeling that this needed to become a ritual. I put together in my head something like the 2^nd Tuesday of every month needed to be our time. The second I saw Chels, I ran the idea by her…she was in. And like that, we created the “2^nd Tuesday of the month” girls get together. We are also passing along the invite to another close friend, Jen. Because the fact is, we need people. And by people, I don’t just mean anyone, but good people, who activate our soul. I am guilty of not speaking up and holding others accountable. The consequence of that was surrounding myself with people who made me feel judged and criticized. Life is too short to be spent feeling uncomfortable with friends who are “supposed” to love you for you.

Leaf Forty-five, Forty-six, & Forty-seven: Cultivating a Healhty Life, Interior Decorating, & Spanglish

My blogging efforts have been slightly delayed for the past several leaves, yet the mission behind the journey is more at heart than ever before. There is not a week that passes that I do not dedicate something specific for my next leaf. Thank you to all my readers out there, for following, supporting, and inspiring me.

 

Leaf Forty-five: Cultivating a Healthy Life

 

Since beginning full-time work in September, one of my main goals has been focused on establishing a healthy lifestyle, physically, mentally, and emotionally. From the moment I entered my field, I knew I had started a unique type of work; one that would challenge my heart on complicated levels. I have become committed to sustaining a strength that reaches my mind and body.  Searching for and cultivating that inner peace has become a glorious, life changing ritual. Initially, fifty-two leaves transformed my perception of the world around me. I began to encounter life really living for the first time. As things have progressed, I have started to notice the transition to a lifestyle that has become embedded in my soul. A new found routine that is completely opposite than the perfectionism routine I lived within for so long. Needless to say, it is pretty damn incredible look back and recognize the growth that has permitted so many beautiful moments.

 

Back in August, I blogged about starting a new exercise routine called The Bar Method. I was raving about it four months ago, and I am still raving about it now. It has transformed my body physically in a way that I never believed to be possible. Mentally, I feel capable to take on situations that used to leave me feeling overwhelmed and drained. Emotionally, it has allowed me to release the negative energy of a long day. I know without a doubt that starting bar before I began working was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. It has become so much more than an exercise routine and more so a way of life. I look forward to attending class everyday and miss it when I do not go. For a long time I struggled with my body image. There would be days that I stood in the mirror pulling and “fixing” my body into a more appeasing type. I never seemed to be able to lose enough wait or gain muscle. Well, I have not lost any weight, but I have gained a physical, mental, and emotional strength that I would not trade for anything. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel capable to overcome a long challenging day. I feel prepared for what lies ahead.

 

I believe that the physical endurance I have achieved has been made possible because of the internal endurance I have been working on for over a year. Although mental health often gets pushed on the back burner in many situations, I know that separating mental and physical health is detrimental mistake to overall well-being. Unfortunately, mental illness has been deeply stigmatized in today's society. I have encountered many who have been fearful to reach out for help because of the stigma. Personally as well as professionally, I have witnessed inspiring amounts of courage from those who are willing to explore their inner life. I think one of the hardest things we will have to overcome are the judgements we maintain about ourselves. It is a lot easier to get consumed with work, friends, school, etc. than get to know and value who we are. If anything ever comes from fifty-two leaves, I hope it encourages more to share their story. To choose to value and love themselves, so they can love others more deeply.

 

A statement that I use quite frequently with my clients is: “We can only love others as much as we love ourselves”. I cannot exactly remember where I encountered that quote, but nonetheless it has stuck with me. I only preach it because I know it personally. As I have come to love myself, I have experienced a deeper, more respectful and genuine love in my relationships with others.

 

 

Leaf Forty-six: Interior Decorating

 

Six months into my new apartment and four months in my new office and I finally added some pizazz to my walls! I have found myself making excuses for not having enough time to make both my room and office my own. As my fifty-two leaf journey enters its final month, I felt inspired to do something out of my routine. To get back to the true reason why this journey ever came about. One of my favorite guideposts in Dr. Brené Brown’s book was on cultivating creativity. She talked about how doing something creative makes us feel more alive. It does not matter how artistic we are, what matters is that we are putting energy into something that depicts us. I like to think of being creative as an expression of my soul. It encourages me to move away from self-criticism and judgment and freely represent myself.  A few small changes in my office shifted the atmosphere to my space rather than my predecessor’s space. Last Friday after school, I kicked off my shoes, cranked up some music and began moving things around. The new energy definitely shifted onto the following week. I could tell that the students felt more comfortable and I felt more at home. The same sort of feeling comes from my room. Walking into a wall of pictures after a long day of work brings a smile to my face. My “interior decorating” is far from perfect, but it is my own. And simply taking a moment to be creative made for a wholehearted start to a new week.

 

Leaf Forty-seven: Spanglish

 

Thanks to my pretty fantastic-thoughtful-amazing boyfriend, I am finally taking the initiative to learn Spanish. One of the greatest things about Dallas (yeah..I know I’ve started a sentence with that a million times) is that he really listens to what I say. I do not even remember how long ago I told him that I wanted to take advantage of my commute to work by learning Spanish, nonetheless, he remembered as he was discovering the free podcasts on available on Itunes. On there, he found some for Spanish lessons, and passed on the information to me. So this week, I have spent my morning drive to work learning Spanish. Obviously I have a long way to go, but I feel myself paying better attention in the car than I ever did in high school. It is pretty comical to listen to myself repeat the words back to the teacher. Lucky for me, my boss and my co-worker speak Spanish fluently. I might have to dedicate a leaf to finding the courage to test my words on them…haha. I will keep you all posted. Thanks again to Dallas for motivating me to do something I have been meaning to start a long time ago. He really does make me a better person, I am a lucky girl :)

 

Leaf Forty-four: Gratefulness

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, a creates a vision for tomorrow” –Melody Beattie

 

Given last week’s celebration of Thanksgiving, it is only fitting to dedicate this leaf to gratitude. The quote above speaks quite perfectly to the incredible power valuing and implementing daily gratitude practice has had on my life over the course of the past year. It is moving to see how simply being thankful for this beautiful world brings lasting clarity and peace to my soul. I have experienced joy in a way that opens up my heart to people, places, and things I could not see before. Each morning, I wake with a fondness for life, a love and passion for my family, my job, and my relationships. What a blessing it is to know such a deep hope and a strong sense of faith for what lies ahead.

 

Gratitude brings provides much comfort when the rest of the world around me seems to be spinning. The Thursday before Thanksgiving, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It was a mixture of concern for my dad combined with a long, meaningful week at work. I struggled to put words to what I was experiencing internally, it was not necessarily good or bad, it just was. The tears stirred during my drive home, after my workout, and when I walked in the door. I settled in on my bathroom floor and cried for awhile. There was something soothing to about letting the tears flow and releasing what had been building up. Afterwards, I felt very grateful to be able to feel things so deeply. To be able to encounter such raw emotion without pushing it away is an incredible sensation. I am thankful for my ability to connect to that part of my soul, to understand it, and to look at those feelings without judgment or criticism.

 

I am thankful to have met someone who I am able to give the kind of love that all people deserve. Dallas has been an inspiring person in my life and given me an opportunity to experience something incredible. To be a part of such a genuine, respectful, passionate, real, and patient relationship will forever be one of the greatest blessings I will ever know. I am thankful to be balanced and whole within myself that I am able to encounter such a love. Each day I am especially grateful for knowing Dallas. Gratitude for him has allowed me to stop worrying about what the future holds and instead, engage fully in the moment of being with one another. At the end of the day, sharing those moments with him are what I am thankful for. My hope is that so many others have the opportunity to know that kind of invaluable love.

 

Life has felt crazy with my dad. His inability to recover has been so up and down since the surgery it has been difficult to relax. Some days I fear the worst, others I am angry with the doctors. I think underneath it all, I feel helpless and unsure of how to handle everything.  It has made me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, especially grasping onto those things that are truly important, like my family. I am grateful to have been able to see them the past couple of weeks. The trip home with Dallas and then again last week for Thanksgiving were much needed. I am thankful to be able to be there for my dad; to tell him that I love him and to hug him. It was nice to be there at Thanksgiving because he seemed like his normal self around all our family. He was laughing, teasing, and playing basketball with us like he was feeling 100%. I am thankful for his example and strength. He has laid the foundation for my independence as well as my ability to advocate for who I am. The gratitude I have for his unconditional love and constant support is much more than I can put into words.

 

I am also very grateful for my mom and the relationship we have with one another. She has been so strong throughout the process with my dad. I admire her hope and courage and constant faith. I am thankful to be able to watch her and my dad grow closer during this experience. It is amazing to witness the commitment and love they have for one another. My mom has always been my biggest advocate as well as a consistent form of unwavering support. Her love makes me one of the luckiest girls in the world. I am blessed to have had a woman like her watch over and guide me through my life.

 

Practicing gratitude has allowed me to encounter joy and peace daily. It makes me a stronger, more connected individual and gives me hope for a beautiful life ahead.

Leaf Forty-three: Meeting the Family

A couple weekends ago, Dallas ventured home with me to Cedar City to meet my family for the first time. This was a big step for me because my close-knit family is a bit hesitant in letting significant others in..let's just say my brother's and I's past relationships have not always had the best reputation with my family..haha. I think my mom said it perfectly a while back though, she told me that she wouldn't be ready to let someone in, until she got the sense that they were the right person for us.  Over the past five months, I have gotten to know someone who is absolutely incredible in many ways. Dallas continues to hold my heart with his outgoing spirit and genuine care for me. From early on, I got the sense that he would be able to handle and get along with my family better than anyone I had ever dated before. Though the nerves were there, the excitement to introduce my parents to the man that had captured my heart helped bring me to ease.

More than anything I was anxious to get home to see my dad. He had surgery a few weeks ago and the recovery process was taking longer than anticipated. For all of my life, my dad has always been my rock. I have never seen him anything but strong. Being so far away from home, feeling helpless and knowing he was not doing so well was really starting to get to me. I couldn't imagine my dad stuck in a hospital bed, and for those of you who know him, we all know he wasn't making the greatest patient. I was also somewhat scared to see him down and weak. Knowing my emotional self, I did not know if I would be able to keep it together, but feared my dad seeing me cry.

The day we left, I was so incredibly thankful to have Dallas by my side. His willingness to travel with me to Utah to be with my family meant so much. Since my dad had been put back into the hospital our trip home was a bit chaotic. My grandparents had to pick us up at the airport, then we met my mom, stopped at the hospital to see my dad, then finally made it to Cedar City. Dallas never once seemed to be uncomfortable. He went along with the crazy flow of things that , always squeezing my hand and kissing my forehead. Those simple gestures made everything okay throughout the trip.

Dallas fit in quite well with everyone. I could tell my mom was falling for his easy-going presence and kind heart. There is something about this guy that makes everything more fun, warmer, and a great time. For me, I enjoyed so much bringing him home...I knew this was different than in past relationships because I felt 100% at ease despite early nerves. Dallas is truly someone special. Someone I am so incredibly thankful to have in my life. He loves me in a way that I have never been loved before. We have developed a mutual respect for one another that seems to bring us closer each day.

 

 

 

 

Leaf Forty-two: A Worthy Fight

My leaf this week is inspired by my younger brother Kaden and his incredible courage to speak up for what he believes in. As I read the words of an essay he wrote for his 12^th grade English class, I was moved by what he was willing to put onto paper knowing that it might not be well received by his classmates and teachers. While I think the predominately Mormon community we were raised in likes to believe they are open-minded to others who are “different”, the reality is, it is extremely challenging to not meet the normal criteria of what makes up a family. As children, my brothers and I did not really think about religion and our identity. I think it became apparent to all three of us when we entered adolescence that being Mormon meant something.

 

Unlike Kaden, my senior year of high school mostly consisted of wearing the “mask” that allowed me to be like all my peers. While deep down I knew Mormonism was not a lifestyle I identified with, I was too insecure to speak up. It is incredible to see the confidence Kaden has and the belief he maintains for his identity. I am so proud that he was able to put into words what brings him peace. The essay he wrote was based on the premise of being in a cave and unable to get out. Kaden identified the Mormon Church as the cave that prevented him from getting in touch with his real self.

 

The most compelling part of my brother’s essay was his compassion and openness to the world around him. He writes:

 

“Religion has nothing to do with how a person acts on the inside, and putting a label on them makes us avoid meeting or even giving them an opportunity to prove themselves. Nobody should be over looked, including Mormons. The world should just treat each other as contemporaries because we’re all human and nobody can change that”.

 

Here I think he speaks to the very essence of why we are placed on this earth, to connect and engage in the human experience because that is what spirituality truly is—engaging together. Like my brother believes, I believe that connection can be possible through many different outlets, religions,…basically whatever brings a person a sense of fulfillment and peace. When someone advocates that their religion or belief system is better than another’s they are no longer valuing the human condition. As my brother explains, we all are worthy, regardless of where we come from or what we believe. We all have the capacity to be genuine, spiritual beings because we are human.

 

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Pierr Teilhard de Chardin (I used this quote a few weeks ago when I talked about My Church, couldn't help but put it on here again)

 

Leaf Forty-two is about a worthy fight for what I believe. As I learned growing up in the Mormon Church, we are supposed to discover the “truth” for ourselves. Yet, like my brother spoke about in his essay, the “truth”, was driven into our brains from a young age, so we did not have much of a choice. When I left my community seven years ago, I devoted much of my journey to personal growth and spiritual discovery. I wanted to find the peace that I knew was out there for me. It was not a peace that came from a religion that dictated what I wore, drank, who I married, etc. It from the relationships I had with others who believed differently than me. From the beauty I saw in the world around me. From the experiences of the LGBTQ community that I encountered. When I let go of the Mormon religion, I connected to humanity, I discovered my God.

 

The higher power I believe in does not reside in the boundaries, books, and rules of the Mormon Church. I have much respect for those individuals part of the religion and the peace it brings them. But I believe that it is okay to believe different. I searched, l prayed, and I discovered a different truth. For me, spirituality is consistently a part of my life. I see it in my work, my relationships, and the beauty of the world around me. I may not go to a specific church every Sunday, but I practice gratitude and love daily. I know that being a good person and living a genuine life requires conscious effort. The moment I chose my path, I felt more prepared for the challenges than anything that had been dictated for me.

 

Although I stopped practicing Mormonism several years ago, my membership was still documented on church records. I never gave it a second thought until I started my journey to a wholehearted life. I value holding myself accountable and having the courage to speak up. There was something about belonging to belief system that I did not agree with that went against my premise of living wholeheartedly. A couple months ago I requested that my name be removed from membership records. I sought out information from others who had engaged in the same process and composed a letter. A week letter, I received a letter back from the church stating that my request could only be granted by meeting with a church official. I sent another letter advocating for my rights and that I wanted my name removed. A couple of weeks later I received an email from a Mormon Bishop in my area requesting I contact him. I felt annoyed and frustrated that my request was not respected, but wanting the process to be finished, I emailed the Bishop back.

 

Long story short, the emails between the Bishop and I went back and forth for a couple weeks. Each time I requested for my name to be removed, supported with points, and was very respectful. Each response back in some way seemed to be a manipulative attempt to get me to reconsider. In one particular email he had the audacity to use my profession as a means to address my decision to leave the church. Needless to say, I was absolutely livid to his comments. Rather than considering my humanity, I was judged based on my decision to leave the church. These emails provided further confirmation for my reasoning for not wanting to be a part of the church. I refuse to believe in something that cannot be accepting of another’s value system. In the end, I continued to demonstrate respect and advocate for my rights and eventually my request was granted.

 

I had a couple friends ask me if this was really worth the all the effort and time. What did it matter if my name was on membership records or not, it wasn’t like I was practicing Mormonism? Initially, these were my thoughts too, and I remember thinking that the process was taking too much time and energy. But then I remembered what I had been working on for the past eleven months and not taking action would be going against my foundation of fifty-two leaves. This was a worthy fight. Too often we give up on the things that require work. It was uncomfortable emailing back and forth with someone who believed I was making a fatal mistake. I became angry when he judged my character. But I embraced my courage, held strongly to my worthy heart, and stood up for what I believed.

Leaf Thirty-nine, Forty, and Forty-one: Searching for the moments, Fighting On, and What really matters…

So life has been incredibly busy over the last month, but nonetheless, fifty-two leaves has been on my mind. Although I never had time to sit down and write my individual leaves, I made sure to devote each of the passing weeks to something directed towards my wholehearted life. Here is a rundown of what has been going on…

 

Leaf Thirty-Nine: Searching for the moments

On the first Friday of October, my high school had a school wide BBQ to celebrate 98% attendance for the month of September. Students were excused for 5^th and 6^th period to join together for hot dogs, music, games and mostly fun. It was exciting to see the enthusiasm of the kids to be able to celebrate their hard work together. Throughout the party, I kept thinking “how cool is this” that everyone is gathering together, taking a second to value the moment rather than being stressed out over “what needs to get done”. It was without a doubt what I have come to label a “wholehearted moment”, where everyone engaged together in the simple treasures of life. At one point, some of the students had the opportunity to sing in front of their peers.  The courage of the students to share their talent with the rest of the school was especially moving. I watched as the entire crowd quieted to support and cheer on their peers who sang for them. I remember feeling completely enthralled in the moment, to see the entire school connect over one person’s voice was genuine and valuable.

 

After the BBQ, I made a goal to search out more moments like the one I experienced at my school. Sometimes all it takes is taking a second to look around and embrace the gifts of life that are constantly surrounding us. It is so easy to become caught up with work, responsibilities, and stress that they can develop into a “normal routine”. I felt myself falling in that direction. The inspiration from the students triggered one of the necessities of a whole hearted life…breaking out of the routines…one of the main things that initially instigated my desire to start this blog. While my routine keeps me organized and feeling capable, it also can be dangerous and exhausting at times. By devoting a leaf to searching out of the moments, I have been more inclined to break out of my routine in even small, simple ways. I have stopped to breath, read a chapter out of my favorite book, watch the sunset, and even taking an afternoon nap. The moments of life are all around us, we just have to be willing to stop and take a look.

 

Leaf Forty: Fighting On

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my first USC football game. Actually, it was my first ever competitive football game so naturally it had to be a new leaf. Dallas’s mom (Anna) went to USC and the tradition has been passed down to both Dallas and his sister (Lyric). They are very big USC fans and included me in festivities for the USC vs. Colorado game. It was a memorable, exciting experience and one that definitely falls under my previous leaf of searching out the moments. There was something about tailgating on USC’s campus, surrounded by fans, covered in red and gold that created quite the unforgettable environment. I think I am a sucker for any type of connection. I love watching people, who don’t even know one thing about one other, connect through something bigger than themselves. It was very fun to watch and be part of this sensation during the USC game. I loved seeing the crowd light up after a touchdown and the high fives from the stranger sitting behind me. I am so thankful to Anna for including me in such a fun family event. They have truly opened their arms to me and made me feel so comfortable. It is rare to find such people, who embrace you, get you, and want you to be in their lives, it has been such a great feeling. For it, I am deeply grateful and so happy and looking forward to the next time I get to fight on!

 

 

Leaf Forty-one: What really matters…

Like I said earlier, the past month has been very busy. From work, to family stuff, to traveling, to more family stuff, it seems that the chaos may never end. I have kept moving because of the faith I have in myself and the invaluable support system around me. As life gets busy and stressful, and especially since I started to work fulltime, I have began identify the things that are truly important in my life. This includes the people that are really important. One challenge I have taken upon myself during my journey to a wholehearted life is that of setting boundaries and holding other people accountable. Part of this, has been about letting go of not being able to be what everyone else needs. I do feel less close to some, but I also feel closer to what really matters, like my family, my boyfriend, and my friends that truly love me for me.

 

With the increased amount of things occurring, I have come to really realize that I do not have time for unnecessary drama. In the past I have become consumed with letting someone down or not being good enough. Lately, I felt that same pull happening, but the difference is that I am aware of my triggers and able to quickly catch myself from spiraling down to perfectionism.  I know I cannot be “perfect” for everyone and I combat it by figuring out who and what really matters…which has been incredibly freeing. Because the fact is, I know I’m enough. I know I am a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, therapist, co-worker, teacher, etc. When I let the judgments of someone else get to me, I lose the strength that I know I have.

 

We cannot please everyone. When we’re working fulltime, maintaining our own sanity, and keeping those that are important close, someone else my feel displeased or disappointed. They may choose to treat us poorly or cut us out completely. It hurts, but at the end of the day, it’s about deciphering what really matters, who really loves us, and believing we are enough right now.  One of the greatest things I have learned from Dr. Brené Brown and a wholehearted life is being able to say “I am worthy right now”. We all are. We all deserve it.

Leaf Thirty-eight: Journaling my little heart out

Tonight I pulled out an old journal. As I flipped through the pages, it was around this same time last year that I was writing my heart out to get through a challenging transition period. Currently, journaling has become my greatest release since beginning the toughest, most rewarding work of my life. Through words, I have been able to navigate through the pieces of my soul that have been touched, hurt, and tried on a deep and provocative level. My writing often externalizes many of the feelings that hit on the inner parts of my identity, alleviating the responsibility of having to contain everything all at once. During my perfectionism days, I used to worry about what I wrote down, even if privately in diaries or journals, I felt I needed to write in a careful way, in case someone read my words one day. As an adolescent, I also took to journaling, but I would often read through past entries and eventually tear things out, feeling shame for what I had wrote. A lot has changed over the past year. Now, journaling has become the opposite. Whatever I think or feel goes onto the paper. Because at that moment, whatever it is, good or bad, the experience is affecting me and it deserves to be captured. One thing I have learned about my writing is that when I complete it without judgment or criticism, I am left feeling relieved and free. My writing, like me, is imperfect, and often the imperfection is what makes it beautiful and inspiring.

 

I often help my clients build a repertoire of coping tools to rely on when they are dealing with difficult emotions or circumstances. Rather than numbing the uncomfortable sensations associated with particular experiences, I have become a firm believer in sitting amidst the turmoil. When we numb challenging feelings, we never actually learn how to navigate through them. So the next time we feel sadness, hurt, anger, shame, etc., the experience is often more powerful and tougher to get through. In the past, I worked hard to avoid emotional turmoil because it was always “too much” for me to take on. I hated that I felt deeply, cried easily, and was extremely sensitive to the world around me. Instead of dealing with the discomfort, I numbed by attempting to be perfect. What happened was that I could only mask the emotion for so long before I had a breakdown and was left feeling more down than before. One of the greatest things I have learned along my personal journey to a wholehearted life is that to be happy and healthy is to still have the stress, anxiety, and any other inner turmoil experienced in life. We become our greatest selves as we are able to sit within the storm and use personal strengths and resources to survive it.

 

 

“Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.”

-Muhammad Ali

 

As I thought about this quote and finding my will, I thought about what I did to hold myself  accountable and continue to stimulate my desire to accomplish my dreams. Work today was especially challenging as I faced a case with characteristics and behaviors I had yet to encounter in my clinical work. After the session I felt exhausted, helpless and self-critical. There are some circumstances, that no matter how much education or research you have done, there is nothing to fully prepare. I cried in my office for a few minutes allowing myself to feel what had happened. Then I sought out feedback from my supervisor, took a few deep breaths and got back to my responsibilities. Later I consulted with the school psychologist to debrief as well as obtain collaborative input on how to best handle the situation. After work, I left time to rest for a bit then went to my Bar Method class, and now I am taking the time to write about what happened. In each of those simple steps, I dealt with the challenging emotions I faced earlier on in the day. Rather than putting on my “perfectionism” mask to get through the experience, I owned my feelings and reached out for support, both from others and within myself. As I write this entry and reflect on the day, I feel stronger and more prepared for tomorrow. My “will” is tried daily and in order to keep it alive, I must nurture it. For me, it’s exercise, journaling, and connecting with others. I use my repertoire daily, it requires a lot of practice and self-awareness, but the benefits make everything worth it.

 

How do you nurture your spirit?

 

Leaf Thirty-six & Thirty-seven: Embracing Adversity and the Vulnerability Hangover

Leaf Thirty-six: Embracing Adversity

 

“To a brave man, good and back luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both” –St. Catherine of Siena

 

Four weeks into my work has been the most memorable new beginning of my lifetime. The youth I work with touch my soul in a way I did not know I was capable of feeling. They know more about the hardships of real life than anyone I have ever had the privilege to encounter. They know how to endure hell and keep their head above the surface. They are survivors. I look at their stories and only see strength and courage. When I hear their ability to overcome the adversity they are faced with daily, I feel hope for the rest of the world. It confirms for me the exquisite capacity of the human condition.

 

The adversity is especially challenging causing me to question my role at times. How did I come to deserve such an invaluable position? To be able to hold the space for my clients to explore depths of who they are, their struggles, and their resiliency is both humbling and terrifying. I am humbled by their words. Never before in my life have I facilitated an environment for such difficult experiences to be brought to the surface. I thought I knew pain, suffering, and hurt until I met the young women and men I work with everyday. For me they have painted the picture of what it means to really survive. My job is to help them be able to thrive.

 

Last week I felt a bit helpless with the work in the sense that I am unable to give the youth the love they are missing from their families. They have been dealt a hand that tries the strength of the human condition. I want nothing more than to be able to help them recognize the amazing power each one of them hold. Because of their experiences, they have much more to offer the world then the wealthiest, most educated, powerful people I have encountered in my life.

 

I liked the quote at the beginning of this blog as it symbolized what I feel is making the most out of adversity. It is about taking the good with the bad and finding a way to live up to the potential inherent within each one of us. As much as I would like the world to be black and white or to be able to separate things into what is in my control versus what is not, that isn’t reality. There is too much emotion to let it be that simple. Our world is in the gray. No matter how much we try to fight it, to put on a mask because that’s what society wants, we all still feel. To feel deeply, to understand the experiences of another, is how we truly connect with those around us.

 

On the days I feel helpless and unsure, I remember this, that my emotions, my ability to feel deeply, allow me to embrace the adversity that I face. It allows me to hold the adversity that my clients face. My gray area gives me the capacity to see the strength amidst the chaos. I want nothing more than the youth to know that they have touched my life in a remarkable way. Four weeks into the most challenging work of my life and I cannot wait for the next day. I cannot wait to hear the stories of the survivors.

 

Leaf Thirty-seven: Vulnerability Hangover

 

A couple of weeks ago I started the latest book from the author who inspired my journey nine months ago. Dr. Brené Brown’s work, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, couldn’t have fell into my lap at a more perfect moment. I am about a quarter of the way into the book and already captivated by the power of what she is getting at:

 

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection” (pp., 2).

 

Over the course of my personal journey, I have come to realize that to be fully alive is incredibly challenging. It requires dedication to engage in the work despite the discomfort that comes from exposing ourselves to others. Despite the discomfort I have endured the past nine months, despite the pain or hurt, despite the anxiety that comes with being what Brené deems “naked”, I am happier, healthier and stronger than ever before. As much as I would love to turn the self-awareness light off some days, for me there is no turning back. I have come to know and embrace parts of myself that before I kept hidden below the surface. My hope is that others can be touched by something deeper. That they have the opportunity to engage in the hard work that has the power to move us beyond measure.

 

Since I met Dallas about four months ago, my vulnerability has been especially tested. Before he came along, I was getting pretty great at “doing me”. I was being vulnerable, striving for wholeheartedness daily, and growing internally. The emotions I endured (both good and bad) were becoming easier to navigate through and I was gaining clarity on who I am. While Dallas has only enhanced this experience further, he has also brought a strong wave of emotion into the mix, which can often get me to feeling a little discombobulated.

 

As I am sure itnhas been evident in my writing, I am an extremely passionate, deep feeler kind of a person. For most of my life I viewed this ability to feel as a bad thing. I cried too easily. I was too sensitive. etc. etc. I kept telling myself that one day I would grow out of it. That I wouldn’t feel so deeply anymore. Well obviously that never changed and as I entered graduate school, started the personal work, I began to realize the gift I had been given. Because of my ability to feel deeply, I am able to connect with individuals even during the most difficult of circumstances. I am able to be fully present in my work.

 

So this is where the lines between work and my personal life get blurred a bit. Because truth be told, I cannot turn the “time to feel deeply” switch on and off. Very early on with Dallas, I knew something was different. Partly because I had reached a place in my life where I felt secure and confident and worthy and partly because he is well…just absolutely perfect. I found myself becoming mesmerized in the moments spent with him. His gratitude and genuineness about life touched my heart and I could feel what was building. I knew it would only be a matter of time when the words “I love you” would slip out of my mouth.

 

I said it once out loud to him a while back. I am not really sure what happened, but I just said it. After that, I experienced what I now am identifying as a “vulnerability hangover”. Brené describes this as the aftermath of an immensely vulnerable experience where we take the risk and put ourselves out there. Metaphorically speaking, we are naked; exposing a part of who we are that leaves us vulnerable to experiencing an assortment of different feelings. I am not going to lie, after I got in my car from leaving Dallas’s house that day, it felt like I had gotten hit by a bus. I did not expect anything after I said what I said to him, but nonetheless, it was hard to take in. I had put myself out there, exposed my heart, and felt the effects that come with taking the risk.

 

It took me about another month to develop the courage to speak from my heart again. So last week, I let it out and again, I would experience another vulnerability hangover. However, this time I was prepared. I was able to identify what was going on, what I needed, and how to ask for it. It came down to this, containing my passion and my real feelings, was a lot harder than owning them. I wanted to know that it was okay to my heart out. I did not need Dallas to know whether he loved me or not. What I needed was to know that he was all in too. That he was willing to dive into the vulnerability water head first. I realized that in order for my best self to be brought out, I needed to be with someone who could express when they feel scared, ashamed, happy, excited, etc. I want it all, the good, the bad, and everything in between. Because for me, I know both from what I have learned and what I have experienced, that to be vulnerable is sincerest way we are able to have the deepest, most loving connection with others.

 

Needless to say, my next conversation with Dallas was even more terrifying than saying “I love you” because communicating what we want from a relationship and not knowing if that person is ready to give you that is vulnerability at its core. Dallas is an incredible man and someone who has listened better and been more receptive to me than anyone else. This is why I cannot live without vulnerability. Even though I was scared to death about the potential outcome of what he wanted, I opened myself up for something deeper. I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I do know that what we have is special. Though vulnerability is challenging for him, I can tell that he feels something deeper also. So despite another vulnerability hangover, I feel more connected to Dallas than before. I know that he is there; ready to dive in, even if it is only the shallow end for now.