tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52845406878198014352024-02-06T21:09:32.462-08:00Fifty-two Leavesand everything else beyondAshleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-17407214831029888642016-01-13T08:24:00.000-08:002016-01-13T08:25:47.473-08:00Leaf Fifty-three: Starting from the beginning<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Three years later and I am back to where it all started - the best New Year's resolution I ever had. Fifty-two leaves ended because I did not know what the next chapter was going to be. I thought I would just keep blogging and talking about the things that were inspiring me. But without the accountability piece, the writing dwindled off and I moved on with my life. Many incredible things have happened since then, all of which I contribute to the year I spent getting out of my comfort zone, taking risks, and committing to be a better version of myself. All of which lead me back here. A few years ago, fifty-two leaves became a mentality for me - each week I sought out with an attitude to try something new - and it worked. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why do we ever stop doing something that works? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I stopped because that was what made sense to me at the time. The year was over, I completed my goal, it was time to move on. The end. That's how my brain works. Check something off the list and move on to the next. It's really all kind of ironic. Fifty-two leaves was created to "get out of" the order of things and then it ended for similar reasons as to why it started, because that was what was "supposed to happened". I reverted back to the certainty that makes me feel safe and all to often gets in the way of being the best version of myself. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today, I'm bringing what worked back. Back to putting myself out there and blogging about it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As the New Year came around it got me thinking about my goals, what I've accomplished, and where I want to go next. It brought me here. To the space that taught me so much about myself. I've decided that fifty-two leaves doesn't need to end - it can exist for as long as I can write - because growth is never ending. Spending a year getting out of my comfort zone created opportunities, new relationships, and incredible spiritual freedom. I've realized that I want to consciously live my life like that forever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So here's to my latest leaf. Starting from the beginning and continuing to do what works. </span>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-13016616158741690102012-12-31T11:13:00.000-08:002012-12-31T11:31:06.455-08:00Leaf Fifty-two: It's Only the Beginning<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It’s hard to
know where to start as the feeling of accomplishing what I set out to do this
past year is a bit surreal. The time has flown by, but the transformation of my
soul is one that will last a lifetime. One of the greatest lessons fifty-two
leaves has taught me is that living wholeheartedly is a never ending journey.
Rather than fulfilling a goal and moving on to the next, I have established a
lifestyle that requires consistent faith, self-exploration, and connection with
those around me. I feel an overwhelming sense of spirituality at this time, something
that I never knew before. The gratitude for life that holds my heart allows me
to see the meaning in each day, showing me how to connect to the moments that
are worth living for. I will forever look back on 2012 and smile, for it was
the year that I discovered who Ash truly is and what she is capable of. Thank
you to all who supported me, inspired my writing, and came along for the ride. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Today, I am
recognizing where I started, as it set the foundation for what took place this
past year. If anyone is to take anything from my journey, I hope they remember
the words of Dr. Brené Brown, “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our
lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion,
and connection to wake up in the morning and think, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough</i>”.
We are all enough, today, right now. Worthy of love, both for ourselves and
others. The hardest thing I think we will ever overcome in this lifetime is the
battle that takes place within ourselves. It was not until I decided to love
me, my imperfections and all, that I was able to truly live. One lesson that I bring
consistently into my work, is that of self-love. From personal experience, I
know that until we have a loving relationship with our own soul, we are unable
to truly know that type of relationship elsewhere. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“It’s the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the
very second you stop looking for it!” –Unknown<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Before fifty-two leaves, I searched for Ash through external
experiences. If someone could love me, than that meant I was worthy. I was
continuously let down, feeling worse with each rejection, whether it was a
significant other, family member, or friend, I depended on their feedback for
my own self-love. One of the greatest things to come from fifty-two leaves is
the relationship I now have with myself. It may sound a bit narcissistic, but I
believe with my whole heart that we are only able to love others as much as we
love ourselves. The compassion I have for my faults and mistakes have helped me
overcome much shame. It is taught me how to teach others how to cultivate appreciation
for who they are. Most importantly, it has taught me how to love. The moment I
stopped looking for my heart everywhere else and turned inward, I discovered an
everlasting peace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">With that peace, I have been able to cultivate meaning into my life. My relationships
with my family and friends and others around me have never been stronger. I
seek connection for the right reasons, rather than hoping others will tell me I
am “lovable”. Because I know I am worthy, I am able to give incredible
compassion and love to those around me. My work as a therapist has transformed,
allowing me to create an environment for others to heal. I am so humbled by the
experiences of my clients, their strength and the courage they have to share
their stories. I have discovered a love for a man who makes me a better person.
Who challenges me every day, makes me laugh, and has taught me what it means to
truly love another. Dallas gives me hope for relationships, that as we come to
love ourselves we are able to thrive with our partners. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Gratitude is the driving force behind fifty-two leaves. Being grateful,
and seeking out gratefulness, has filled my heart in an invaluable way. The ritual
of practicing gratitude in my life fuels my wholehearted journey. Although my
fifty-two leaves are coming to a close, the spirit that has been created will
continue to live on forever. It takes practice every single day to know that I
am worthy, that I deserve to be loved. Life is full of challenges, ups that
feel so high, and downs that make it seem like the world is falling apart. To
be happy and healthy is to not be free of those downs, it is to realize that we
all have them and if we believe in ourselves, love who we are, we can overcome
anything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">While this seems like the end, for me, it is only the beginning. Tune in
for words to come, I am thinking of titling my next blog…My Wholehearted Life. Happy
New Year!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-23700816746277231852012-12-29T17:00:00.002-08:002012-12-29T17:00:30.978-08:00Leaf Fifty-one: On My Highway
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Last
Saturday, my best friend Lex and I made the 5hour trek from San Diego to Las
Vegas. This wasn’t our first road trip together and it won’t be our last, but
like all the ones that came before, there is no one I would rather have in the
car than her. I blogged about this lovely woman many leaves back, yet, there
will never be enough words to describe how important she has become in my life.
About 7.5 years ago, Lex and I embarked on a journey that forever shaped who we
are as individuals. If you would have asked us back then what was to become of
us, there would be much laughter. We have both grown incredibly, thriving in
life, taking on new challenges, discovering who we are, and always remembering
where we started. So many things have changed since our freshmen year dorm
room, still there is a part embedded in our identity, reigniting each time we
connect again. Lex truly knows the deepest parts of my soul, holding me
accountable for who I am and always believing in me. The friendship we have
with one another is rare. It is powerful on a level that I hope everyone in the
world has the opportunity to encounter in their lives. She is my person, the
one I can call from my darkest corner to be greeted with kind words and an open
heart. Somehow Lex knows how to make everything okay when I seem to think the
world is falling apart. As I begin to wrap up this beautiful fifty-two
expedition, I am so very thankful to be able to share my wholehearted life with
Lex. There is nothing greater in this world than connection with people who
truly love you for you. No matter where we go or what is next, Lex will be
there and I for her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My title for
this week’s leaf is inspired by the Jason Aldean song “On My Highway”. It
started playing after I left Lex in Las Vegas and was continuing my drive home
to Cedar City. I became captivated by the words as Jason talks about the “highway”
as a metaphor for his life. In the first verse he sings:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On my highway,
the yellow lines<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Have disappeared from
time to time<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">And I've wound up<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On the wrong side of the
road<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On my
highway, I've gone too fast<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Afraid that I might
finish last<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I hooked a curve too
hard and lost control<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Oh, I never know which
way it's gonna go<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">But what a feelin'
chasin' the sun<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Livin' my life like it's
shot from a gun<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Laughin' a little bit
more with every mile<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Oh, what a freedom
racin' the wind<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Dyin' to know what's
around the next bend<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">And smilin' as I watch
the years roll by<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I'm learnin' how to take
it day by day<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On my highway<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The highway
metaphor made sense for me. I have lived the life where I have worked hard to
continue on the same road—being perfect, trying not to disappoint anyone, etc.,
etc. It kept me above water for a long time, but it never propelled me to the
surface. Once I started embracing the highway to my heart, the kind of life that
Jason talks about in the song, the surface never seemed closer. There are days
where I need the “yellow lines”, the ones that keep me focused and motivated on
my goals. My favorite days though, are the ones where I let the yellow lines
go. When I throw my clothes around the room, leave my bed unmade, cry because it
feels good, love with my whole heart, make moves on a crowded dance floor,
smile at a stranger, get lost in Dallas’s arms, laugh uncontrollably with my
friends, and have an everlasting faith that everything will be okay. Those are
the moments that make up my highway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">So it only
seems fitting that my road trip home with Lex be titled “On My Highway”, both
literally and figuratively. And also because without Lex who knows what my
highway would look like. One of the greatest blessings that has come from my
wholehearted journey is the deep appreciation I have for the relationships that
are part of my life. Through the good and the bad, I am a better person because
of the individuals that I have encountered in my life, the beautiful
friendships I surround myself with, the love I have for an amazing man and the
graciousness and support I receive from my family. People make my highway of
life much more exciting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-17010486942030067632012-12-18T20:48:00.000-08:002012-12-18T20:48:28.438-08:00Leaves Forty-eight - Fifty
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">December marks
the final month of my incredible, wholehearted, fifty-two leaf journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is crazy how quickly time passes, how much
changes, and how much the same stays. Leaves forty-eight – fifty have been as
exciting as all the others. Enjoy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Forty-eight: A Bizzy Hike<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The
beautiful thing about dating such a genuine person is that he tends to surround
himself with pretty fantastic people. One of the many blessings that I have
encountered since meeting Dallas, are his family and friends. Back in August,
his cousin Elizabeth (aka: Bizzy), moved to San Diego to start nursing school.
Her and I instantly hit it off and in the meantime have established such a
refreshing friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I enjoy so much
meeting people who have the same regard for life as I do. Bizzy is no doubt one
of the kindest, most loving souls I have met. She values the simple moments and
gives genuinely to others. Naturally, I have gravitated to her company and
admire her ability to manage school, transition to a new city, and fit in a social
life. Like I said, we have become fast friends and enjoy many of the same
activities. I love spending time with people who want to be active and outside,
something I do not take advantage of nearly enough living in San Diego. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple
weeks ago, Bizzy and I planned a Friday afternoon hike to Cowles Mountain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hike has a decent incline, with a
gorgeous 360° view of San Diego once you reach the top. I have done the climb a
couple times, but did not realize until a couple weeks ago how closely located
it is to my work. Needless to say, it something I am going to incorporate monthly.
After a long week and a challenging caseload, exercising with a good friend was
exactly what my mind, body and soul needed. Bizzy is the type of person you can
just be with. I thrive with the people who it is effortless to be present with.
It does not matter the length of time between seeing one another, or what we
do, just the fact to be connecting over a stress-relieving-got-to-give-love-to-myself
kind of activity is all that matters. Looking forward to continuing to get to
know Bizzy’s genuine spirit as well as feel inspired by her deep regard for
life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Forty-nine: Staying In<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">You know you
have found someone great when you can spend a Friday and Saturday night doing
absolutely nothing and have no desire to be anywhere else in the world. From
the beginning, I have loved how much Dallas enjoys being social. I love going
out, meeting new people, grabbing a few drinks, and of course, letting loose on
the dance floor. Together, Dal and I have such a great time out. He has made my
transition to “adult life” feel less real by keeping me close to the 22 year
old world…haha…I enjoy so much being able to go out with him and his friends. On
the flip side, Dal and I have some of our best moments together alone simply
enjoying one another’s company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple
of weekends ago we decided to stay in. We watched movies, snuggled up close on
the couch. I never wanted it to end. I love, love, love spending my time
wrapped up in his arms, sometimes I think I could stay there forever and never
move. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With each new day, I feel closer
to Dallas…I understand his heart a little better, love him a little more. This
is the most incredible feeling in the world…to know what a healthy, loving relationship
is. To be with someone who treats you absolutely amazing. Respects you.
Genuinely loves you. I feel empowered at the end of the day to be able to say “this
is what I deserve and this is what I will have forever”. Wherever the future
takes Dallas and I, the experience together has given me an invaluable gift for
the meaning of love, one that will stick with me always. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leave Fifty:
2<sup>nd</sup> Tuesday of the Month<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Last week I
met up with my girlfriend and colleague, Chelsea, for drinks and dinner in
Little Italy. We had not seen each other since the day we finished our graduate
program…needless to say, there was much to catch up on. After three hours of
chatting, a few too many glasses of wine and not enough food, we decided to
call it a night out of fear of a wicked hangover for a Wednesday morning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I have been
incredibly fortunate to develop enduring relationships with genuine, soulful
people the last couple of years. Chelsea, no doubt, has maintained a constant
inspiration, example, and confidence since early on in my graduate program. She
is a beautiful woman, who has taught me a lot about loving myself. I appreciate
so much her courage to share her story with me. She has always made me feel comfortable
and supported. Meeting up last Tuesday was a reminder of how important
connection with good friends is in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The last
four months have felt a bit lonely on the friend side. A transition to a new
job, family challenges, and developing a beautiful love interest, has resulted
in the loss of some who I thought I was close with. It has been frustrating,
while equally relieving. I have come to find out that the people who truly love
me, who know my soul, will continue to remain in my life. A couple years ago, I
do not know if I could have reached this same place. I would have been very
upset that someone was disappointed or mad at me. I am sad to lose
relationships, but I am also realizing what types of individuals are healthy
for me. One of thing I have learned and taken to heart from Dr. Brené Brown’s
work is the importance of setting boundaries and holding others accountable. As
I teach my client’s, setting boundaries is crucial to taking care of oneself.
Some people will not be accepting of our boundaries. We may lose those we
thought were the “closest” to us. But in the end, if we believe that we are worthy
and deserving of love, we will continue to seek out the people who truly bring
those things out in us and stimulate growth within our heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Chelsea has always
been a friend that has brought out the best in me. We seem to always challenge
one another to be better people, individually, and also in our relationships.
As I drove to meet up with her on Tuesday, I had this overwhelming feeling that
this needed to become a ritual. I put together in my head something like the 2<sup>nd</sup>
Tuesday of every month needed to be our time. The second I saw Chels, I ran the
idea by her…she was in. And like that, we created the “2<sup>nd</sup> Tuesday
of the month” girls get together. We are also passing along the invite to
another close friend, Jen. Because the fact is, we need people. And by people,
I don’t just mean anyone, but good people, who activate our soul. I am guilty
of not speaking up and holding others accountable. The consequence of that was
surrounding myself with people who made me feel judged and criticized. Life is
too short to be spent feeling uncomfortable with friends who are “supposed” to
love you for you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-1525542385655254952012-12-06T22:26:00.001-08:002012-12-06T22:26:40.297-08:00Leaf Forty-five, Forty-six, & Forty-seven: Cultivating a Healhty Life, Interior Decorating, & Spanglish
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My blogging
efforts have been slightly delayed for the past several leaves, yet the mission
behind the journey is more at heart than ever before. There is not a week that
passes that I do not dedicate something specific for my next leaf. Thank you to
all my readers out there, for following, supporting, and inspiring me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Forty-five: Cultivating a Healthy Life<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Since
beginning full-time work in September, one of my main goals has been focused on
establishing a healthy lifestyle, physically, mentally, and emotionally. From
the moment I entered my field, I knew I had started a unique type of work; one
that would challenge my heart on complicated levels. I have become committed to
sustaining a strength that reaches my mind and body. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Searching for and cultivating that inner peace
has become a glorious, life changing ritual. Initially, fifty-two leaves
transformed my perception of the world around me. I began to encounter life
really living for the first time. As things have progressed, I have started to
notice the transition to a lifestyle that has become embedded in my soul. A
new found routine that is completely opposite than the perfectionism routine I
lived within for so long. Needless to say, it is pretty damn incredible look
back and recognize the growth that has permitted so many beautiful moments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Back in
August, I blogged about starting a new exercise routine called The Bar Method.
I was raving about it four months ago, and I am still raving about it now. It
has transformed my body physically in a way that I never believed to be
possible. Mentally, I feel capable to take on situations that used to leave me
feeling overwhelmed and drained. Emotionally, it has allowed me to release the
negative energy of a long day. I know without a doubt that starting bar before
I began working was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. It has
become so much more than an exercise routine and more so a way of life. I look
forward to attending class everyday and miss it when I do not go. For a long
time I struggled with my body image. There would be days that I stood in the
mirror pulling and “fixing” my body into a more appeasing type. I never seemed
to be able to lose enough wait or gain muscle. Well, I have not lost any
weight, but I have gained a physical, mental, and emotional strength that I would not trade for anything. I feel
comfortable in my own skin. I feel capable to overcome a long challenging day.
I feel prepared for what lies ahead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I believe
that the physical endurance I have achieved has been made
possible because of the internal endurance I have been working on for over a
year. Although mental health often gets pushed on the back burner in many situations,
I know that separating mental and physical health is detrimental mistake to overall well-being. Unfortunately, mental illness has been deeply stigmatized in today's society. I have encountered many who have been fearful to reach out for help
because of the stigma. Personally as well as professionally, I have witnessed
inspiring amounts of courage from those who are willing to explore their inner
life. I think one of the hardest things we will have to overcome are the judgements we maintain about ourselves. It is a lot easier to get consumed with work, friends, school,
etc. than get to know and value who we are. If anything ever comes from
fifty-two leaves, I hope it encourages more to share their story. To choose to
value and love themselves, so they can love others more deeply.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A statement
that I use quite frequently with my clients is: “We can only love others as
much as we love ourselves”. I cannot exactly remember where I encountered that
quote, but nonetheless it has stuck with me. I only preach it because I know it personally.
As I have come to love myself, I have experienced a deeper, more respectful and
genuine love in my relationships with others.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf Forty-six:
Interior Decorating<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Six months
into my new apartment and four months in my new office and I finally added some
pizazz to my walls! I have found myself making excuses for not having enough
time to make both my room and office my own. As my fifty-two leaf journey
enters its final month, I felt inspired to do something out of my routine. To
get back to the true reason why this journey ever came about. One of my
favorite guideposts in Dr. Brené Brown’s book was on cultivating creativity.
She talked about how doing something creative makes us feel more alive. It does
not matter how artistic we are, what matters is that we are putting energy into
something that depicts us. I like to think of being creative as an expression
of my soul. It encourages me to move away from self-criticism and judgment and
freely represent myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few small
changes in my office shifted the atmosphere to <em>my space</em> rather than my
predecessor’s space. Last Friday after school, I kicked off my shoes, cranked
up some music and began moving things around. The new energy definitely shifted
onto the following week. I could tell that the students felt more comfortable
and I felt more at home. The same sort of feeling comes from my room. Walking
into a wall of pictures after a long day of work brings a smile to my face. My
“interior decorating” is far from perfect, but it is my own. And simply taking
a moment to be creative made for a wholehearted start to a new week. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Forty-seven: Spanglish<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Thanks to my
pretty fantastic-thoughtful-amazing boyfriend, I am finally taking the
initiative to learn Spanish. One of the greatest things about Dallas (yeah..I
know I’ve started a sentence with that a million times) is that he really
listens to what I say. I do not even remember how long ago I told him that I
wanted to take advantage of my commute to work by learning Spanish, nonetheless, he remembered as he was discovering the free podcasts on available on Itunes.
On there, he found some for Spanish lessons, and passed on the
information to me. So this week, I have spent my morning drive to work
learning Spanish. Obviously I have a long way to go, but I feel myself paying
better attention in the car than I ever did in high school. It is pretty
comical to listen to myself repeat the words back to the teacher. Lucky for me,
my boss and my co-worker speak Spanish fluently. I might have to dedicate a
leaf to finding the courage to test my words on them…haha. I will keep you all
posted. Thanks again to Dallas for motivating me to do something I have been
meaning to start a long time ago. He really does make me a better person, I am a lucky girl :) </span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-27413140634238945852012-11-26T20:43:00.001-08:002012-11-26T20:43:29.669-08:00Leaf Forty-four: Gratefulness
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“Gratitude unlocks
the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns
denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a
meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes
sense of our past, brings peace for today, a creates a vision for tomorrow” –Melody
Beattie<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Given last
week’s celebration of Thanksgiving, it is only fitting to dedicate this leaf to
gratitude. The quote above speaks quite perfectly to the incredible power
valuing and implementing daily gratitude practice has had on my life over the
course of the past year. It is moving to see how simply being thankful for this
beautiful world brings lasting clarity and peace to my soul. I have experienced
joy in a way that opens up my heart to people, places, and things I could not see
before. Each morning, I wake with a fondness for life, a love and passion for
my family, my job, and my relationships. What a blessing it is to know such a
deep hope and a strong sense of faith for what lies ahead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Gratitude
brings provides much comfort when the rest of the world around me seems to be
spinning. The Thursday before Thanksgiving, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It
was a mixture of concern for my dad combined with a long, meaningful week at
work. I struggled to put words to what I was experiencing internally, it was
not necessarily good or bad, it just was. The tears stirred during my drive
home, after my workout, and when I walked in the door. I settled in on my
bathroom floor and cried for awhile. There was something soothing to about
letting the tears flow and releasing what had been building up. Afterwards, I
felt very grateful to be able to feel things so deeply. To be able to encounter
such raw emotion without pushing it away is an incredible sensation. I am
thankful for my ability to connect to that part of my soul, to understand it,
and to look at those feelings without judgment or criticism. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am
thankful to have met someone who I am able to give the kind of love that all
people deserve. Dallas has been an inspiring person in my life and given me an
opportunity to experience something incredible. To be a part of such a genuine,
respectful, passionate, real, and patient relationship will forever be one of
the greatest blessings I will ever know. I am thankful to be balanced and whole
within myself that I am able to encounter such a love. Each day I am especially
grateful for knowing Dallas. Gratitude for him has allowed me to stop worrying
about what the future holds and instead, engage fully in the moment of being
with one another. At the end of the day, sharing those moments with him are
what I am thankful for. My hope is that so many others have the opportunity to
know that kind of invaluable love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Life has
felt crazy with my dad. His inability to recover has been so up and down since
the surgery it has been difficult to relax. Some days I fear the worst, others I
am angry with the doctors. I think underneath it all, I feel helpless and
unsure of how to handle everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
has made me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, especially grasping onto
those things that are truly important, like my family. I am grateful to have
been able to see them the past couple of weeks. The trip home with Dallas and
then again last week for Thanksgiving were much needed. I am thankful to be
able to be there for my dad; to tell him that I love him and to hug him. It was
nice to be there at Thanksgiving because he seemed like his normal self around
all our family. He was laughing, teasing, and playing basketball with us like
he was feeling 100%. I am thankful for his example and strength. He has laid
the foundation for my independence as well as my ability to advocate for who I
am. The gratitude I have for his unconditional love and constant support is much
more than I can put into words. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am also
very grateful for my mom and the relationship we have with one another. She has
been so strong throughout the process with my dad. I admire her hope and
courage and constant faith. I am thankful to be able to watch her and my dad grow
closer during this experience. It is amazing to witness the commitment and love
they have for one another. My mom has always been my biggest advocate as well
as a consistent form of unwavering support. Her love makes me one of the
luckiest girls in the world. I am blessed to have had a woman like her watch
over and guide me through my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Practicing
gratitude has allowed me to encounter joy and peace daily. It makes me a
stronger, more connected individual and gives me hope for a beautiful life
ahead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-7958849133497729632012-11-21T11:44:00.000-08:002012-11-26T20:43:57.310-08:00Leaf Forty-three: Meeting the Family <span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple weekends ago, Dallas ventured home with me to Cedar City to meet my family for the first time. This was a big step for me because my close-knit family is a bit hesitant in letting significant others in..let's just say my brother's and I's past relationships have not always had the best reputation with my family..haha. I think my mom said it perfectly a while back though, she told me that she wouldn't be ready to let someone in, until she got the sense that they were the right person for us. Over the past five months, I have gotten to know someone who is absolutely incredible in many ways. Dallas continues to hold my heart with his outgoing spirit and genuine care for me. From early on, I got the sense that he would be able to handle and get along with my family better than anyone I had ever dated before. Though the nerves were there, the excitement to introduce my parents to the man that had captured my heart helped bring me to ease. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">More than anything I was anxious to get home to see my dad. He had surgery a few weeks ago and the recovery process was taking longer than anticipated. For all of my life, my dad has always been my rock. I have never seen him anything but strong. Being so far away from home, feeling helpless and knowing he was not doing so well was really starting to get to me. I couldn't imagine my dad stuck in a hospital bed, and for those of you who know him, we all know he wasn't making the greatest patient. I was also somewhat scared to see him down and weak. Knowing my emotional self, I did not know if I would be able to keep it together, but feared my dad seeing me cry. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The day we left, I was so incredibly thankful to have Dallas by my side. His willingness to travel with me to Utah to be with my family meant so much. Since my dad had been put back into the hospital our trip home was a bit chaotic. My grandparents had to pick us up at the airport, then we met my mom, stopped at the hospital to see my dad, then finally made it to Cedar City. Dallas never once seemed to be uncomfortable. He went along with the crazy flow of things that , always squeezing my hand and kissing my forehead. Those simple gestures made everything okay throughout the trip.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Dallas fit in quite well with everyone. I could tell my mom was falling for his easy-going presence and kind heart. There is something about this guy that makes everything more fun, warmer, and a great time. For me, I enjoyed so much bringing him home...I knew this was different than in past relationships because I felt 100% at ease despite early nerves. Dallas is truly someone special. Someone I am so incredibly thankful to have in my life. He loves me in a way that I have never been loved before. We have developed a mutual respect for one another that seems to bring us closer each day.</span></div>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-158297500510896332012-11-07T19:57:00.002-08:002012-11-07T20:03:28.936-08:00Leaf Forty-two: A Worthy Fight<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My leaf this
week is inspired by my younger brother Kaden and his incredible courage to
speak up for what he believes in. As I read the words of an essay he wrote for
his 12<sup>th</sup> grade English class, I was moved by what he was willing to
put onto paper knowing that it might not be well received by his classmates and
teachers. While I think the predominately Mormon community we were raised in
likes to believe they are open-minded to others who are “different”, the
reality is, it is extremely challenging to not meet the normal criteria of what
makes up a family. As children, my brothers and I did not really think about
religion and our identity. I think it became apparent to all three of us when
we entered adolescence that being Mormon meant something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Unlike
Kaden, my senior year of high school mostly consisted of wearing the “mask”
that allowed me to be like all my peers. While deep down I knew Mormonism was
not a lifestyle I identified with, I was too insecure to speak up. It is incredible
to see the confidence Kaden has and the belief he maintains for his identity. I
am so proud that he was able to put into words what brings him peace. The essay
he wrote was based on the premise of being in a cave and unable to get out.
Kaden identified the Mormon Church as the cave that prevented him from getting
in touch with his real self. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The most compelling
part of my brother’s essay was his compassion and openness to the world around
him. He writes: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“Religion has nothing to do with how a person acts on the inside,
and putting a label on them makes us avoid meeting or even giving them an opportunity
to prove themselves. Nobody should be over looked, including Mormons. The world
should just treat each other as contemporaries because we’re all human and
nobody can change that”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Here I think
he speaks to the very essence of why we are placed on this earth, to connect
and engage in the human experience because that is what spirituality truly is—engaging
together. Like my brother believes, I believe that connection can be possible through
many different outlets, religions,…basically whatever brings a person a sense
of fulfillment and peace. When someone advocates that their religion or belief
system is better than another’s they are no longer valuing the human condition.
As my brother explains, we all are worthy, regardless of where we come from or
what we believe. We all have the capacity to be genuine, spiritual beings
because we are human.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are
spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Pierr Teilhard de Chardin (I used this quote a few weeks ago when I talked about <em>My Church</em>, couldn't help but put it on here again)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Forty-two is about a worthy fight for what I believe. As I learned growing up
in the Mormon Church, we are supposed to discover the “truth” for ourselves.
Yet, like my brother spoke about in his essay, the “truth”, was driven into our
brains from a young age, so we did not have much of a choice. When I left my
community seven years ago, I devoted much of my journey to personal growth and
spiritual discovery. I wanted to find the peace that I knew was out there for
me. It was not a peace that came from a religion that dictated what I wore,
drank, who I married, etc. It from the relationships I had with others who
believed differently than me. From the beauty I saw in the world around me.
From the experiences of the LGBTQ community that I encountered. When I let go
of the Mormon religion, I connected to humanity, I discovered my God. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The higher
power I believe in does not reside in the boundaries, books, and rules of the
Mormon Church. I have much respect for those individuals part of the religion
and the peace it brings them. But I believe that it is okay to believe
different. I searched, l prayed, and I discovered a different truth. For me,
spirituality is consistently a part of my life. I see it in my work, my
relationships, and the beauty of the world around me. I may not go to a specific
church every Sunday, but I practice gratitude and love daily. I know that being
a good person and living a genuine life requires conscious effort. The moment I
chose my path, I felt more prepared for the challenges than anything that had
been dictated for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Although I
stopped practicing Mormonism several years ago, my membership was still
documented on church records. I never gave it a second thought until I started
my journey to a wholehearted life. I value holding myself accountable and
having the courage to speak up. There was something about belonging to belief
system that I did not agree with that went against my premise of living
wholeheartedly. A couple months ago I requested that my name be removed from
membership records. I sought out information from others who had engaged in the
same process and composed a letter. A week letter, I received a letter back from
the church stating that my request could only be granted by meeting with a
church official. I sent another letter advocating for my rights and that I
wanted my name removed. A couple of weeks later I received an email from a
Mormon Bishop in my area requesting I contact him. I felt annoyed and frustrated
that my request was not respected, but wanting the process to be finished, I
emailed the Bishop back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Long story
short, the emails between the Bishop and I went back and forth for a couple
weeks. Each time I requested for my name to be removed, supported with points,
and was very respectful. Each response back in some way seemed to be a
manipulative attempt to get me to reconsider. In one particular email he had
the audacity to use my profession as a means to address my decision to leave
the church. Needless to say, I was absolutely livid to his comments. Rather
than considering my humanity, I was judged based on my decision to leave the
church. These emails provided further confirmation for my reasoning for not
wanting to be a part of the church. I refuse to believe in something that
cannot be accepting of another’s value system. In the end, I continued to
demonstrate respect and advocate for my rights and eventually my request was
granted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I had a
couple friends ask me if this was really worth the all the effort and time.
What did it matter if my name was on membership records or not, it wasn’t like
I was practicing Mormonism? Initially, these were my thoughts too, and I
remember thinking that the process was taking too much time and energy. But
then I remembered what I had been working on for the past eleven months and not
taking action would be going against my foundation of fifty-two leaves. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This was a worthy fight</i>. Too often we
give up on the things that require work. It was uncomfortable emailing back and
forth with someone who believed I was making a fatal mistake. I became angry
when he judged my character. But I embraced my courage, held strongly to my
worthy heart, and stood up for what I believed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-28204918004891306082012-10-31T21:05:00.000-07:002012-10-31T21:05:58.650-07:00Leaf Thirty-nine, Forty, and Forty-one: Searching for the moments, Fighting On, and What really matters…
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">So life has
been incredibly busy over the last month, but nonetheless, fifty-two leaves has
been on my mind. Although I never had time to sit down and write my individual
leaves, I made sure to devote each of the passing weeks to something directed
towards my wholehearted life. Here is a rundown of what has been going on…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Thirty-Nine: Searching for the moments<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On the first
Friday of October, my high school had a school wide BBQ to celebrate 98%
attendance for the month of September. Students were excused for 5<sup>th</sup>
and 6<sup>th</sup> period to join together for hot dogs, music, games and
mostly fun. It was exciting to see the enthusiasm of the kids to be able to
celebrate their hard work together. Throughout the party, I kept thinking “how
cool is this” that everyone is gathering together, taking a second to value the
moment rather than being stressed out over “what needs to get done”. It was
without a doubt what I have come to label a “wholehearted moment”, where
everyone engaged together in the simple treasures of life. At one point, some
of the students had the opportunity to sing in front of their peers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The courage of the students to share their
talent with the rest of the school was especially moving. I watched as the
entire crowd quieted to support and cheer on their peers who sang for them. I remember
feeling completely enthralled in the moment, to see the entire school connect
over one person’s voice was genuine and valuable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">After the
BBQ, I made a goal to search out more moments like the one I experienced at my
school. Sometimes all it takes is taking a second to look around and embrace
the gifts of life that are constantly surrounding us. It is so easy to become
caught up with work, responsibilities, and stress that they can develop into a “normal
routine”. I felt myself falling in that direction. The inspiration from the
students triggered one of the necessities of a whole hearted life…breaking out
of the routines…one of the main things that initially instigated my desire to
start this blog. While my routine keeps me organized and feeling capable, it
also can be dangerous and exhausting at times. By devoting a leaf to searching
out of the moments, I have been more inclined to break out of my routine in
even small, simple ways. I have stopped to breath, read a chapter out of my
favorite book, watch the sunset, and even taking an afternoon nap. The moments
of life are all around us, we just have to be willing to stop and take a look.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf Forty: Fighting
On<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple of
weeks ago, I went to my first USC football game. Actually, it was my first ever
competitive football game so naturally it had to be a new leaf. Dallas’s mom
(Anna) went to USC and the tradition has been passed down to both Dallas and
his sister (Lyric). They are very big USC fans and included me in festivities
for the USC vs. Colorado game. It was a memorable, exciting experience and one
that definitely falls under my previous leaf of searching out the moments.
There was something about tailgating on USC’s campus, surrounded by fans, covered
in red and gold that created quite the unforgettable environment. I think I am
a sucker for any type of connection. I love watching people, who don’t even
know one thing about one other, connect through something bigger than
themselves. It was very fun to watch and be part of this sensation during the
USC game. I loved seeing the crowd light up after a touchdown and the high
fives from the stranger sitting behind me. I am so thankful to Anna for
including me in such a fun family event. They have truly opened their arms to
me and made me feel so comfortable. It is rare to find such people, who embrace
you, get you, and want you to be in their lives, it has been such a great
feeling. For it, I am deeply grateful and so happy and looking forward to the
next time I get to fight on!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Forty-one: What really matters…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Like I said earlier, the past month has been very busy. From work,
to family stuff, to traveling, to more family stuff, it seems that the chaos
may never end. I have kept moving because of the faith I have in myself and the
invaluable support system around me. As life gets busy and stressful, and
especially since I started to work fulltime, I have began identify the things
that are truly important in my life. This includes the people that are really
important. One challenge I have taken upon myself during my journey to a
wholehearted life is that of setting boundaries and holding other people accountable.
Part of this, has been about letting go of not being able to be what everyone
else needs. I do feel less close to some, but I also feel closer to what really
matters, like my family, my boyfriend, and my friends that truly love me for
me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">With the increased amount of things occurring, I have come to
really realize that I do not have time for unnecessary drama. In the past I
have become consumed with letting someone down or not being good enough. Lately,
I felt that same pull happening, but the difference is that I am aware of my
triggers and able to quickly catch myself from spiraling down to perfectionism.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I cannot be “perfect” for
everyone and I combat it by figuring out who and what really matters…which has
been incredibly freeing. Because the fact is, I know I’m enough. I know I am a
good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, therapist, co-worker, teacher, etc.
When I let the judgments of someone else get to me, I lose the strength that I
know I have.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">We cannot please everyone. When we’re working fulltime,
maintaining our own sanity, and keeping those that are important close, someone
else my feel displeased or disappointed. They may choose to treat us poorly or
cut us out completely. It hurts, but at the end of the day, it’s about
deciphering what really matters, who really loves us, and believing we are
enough right now. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the greatest
things I have learned from Dr. Brené Brown and a wholehearted life is being
able to say “I am worthy right now”. We all are. We all deserve it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-40274957061031825512012-10-08T20:58:00.000-07:002012-10-08T20:58:05.361-07:00Leaf Thirty-eight: Journaling my little heart out
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Tonight I
pulled out an old journal. As I flipped through the pages, it
was around this same time last year that I was writing my heart out to get
through a challenging transition period. Currently, journaling has become my
greatest release since beginning the toughest, most rewarding work of my life.
Through words, I have been able to navigate through the pieces of my soul that
have been touched, hurt, and tried on a deep and provocative level. My writing
often externalizes many of the feelings that hit on the inner parts of my
identity, alleviating the responsibility of having to contain everything all at
once. During my perfectionism days, I used to worry about what I wrote down,
even if privately in diaries or journals, I felt I needed to write in a careful
way, in case someone read my words one day. As an adolescent, I also took to
journaling, but I would often read through past entries and eventually tear
things out, feeling shame for what I had wrote. A lot has changed over the past year. Now, journaling has become the
opposite. Whatever I think or feel goes onto the paper. Because at that moment,
whatever it is, good or bad, the experience is affecting me and it deserves to
be captured. One thing I have learned about my writing is that when I complete
it without judgment or criticism, I am left feeling relieved and free. My writing, like me, is imperfect, and often the
imperfection is what makes it beautiful and inspiring. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I often help
my clients build a repertoire of coping tools to rely on when they are dealing
with difficult emotions or circumstances. Rather than numbing the uncomfortable
sensations associated with particular experiences, I have become a firm
believer in sitting amidst the turmoil. When we numb challenging feelings, we
never actually learn how to navigate through them. So the next time we feel
sadness, hurt, anger, shame, etc., the experience is often more powerful and tougher
to get through. In the past, I worked hard to avoid emotional turmoil because
it was always “too much” for me to take on. I hated that I felt deeply, cried
easily, and was extremely sensitive to the world around me. Instead of dealing
with the discomfort, I numbed by attempting to be perfect. What happened was
that I could only mask the emotion for so long before I had a breakdown and was
left feeling more down than before. One of the greatest things I have learned
along my personal journey to a wholehearted life is that to be happy and healthy
is to still have the stress, anxiety, and any other inner turmoil experienced in life. We become our greatest selves as we are able to sit within the storm and use personal strengths and resources to survive it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“Champions
aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside
them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But
the will must be stronger than the skill.”<br />
<br />
<b>-Muhammad Ali<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As I thought about this quote and finding my will, I thought about what I
did to hold myself<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>accountable and
continue to stimulate my desire to accomplish my dreams. Work today was
especially challenging as I faced a case with characteristics and behaviors I
had yet to encounter in my clinical work. After the session I felt exhausted,
helpless and self-critical. There are some circumstances, that no matter how
much education or research you have done, there is nothing to fully prepare. I
cried in my office for a few minutes allowing myself to feel what had happened.
Then I sought out feedback from my supervisor, took a few deep breaths and got
back to my responsibilities. Later I consulted with the school psychologist to
debrief as well as obtain collaborative input on how to best handle the
situation. After work, I left time to rest for a bit then went to my Bar Method
class, and now I am taking the time to write about what happened. In each of
those simple steps, I dealt with the challenging emotions I faced earlier on in
the day. Rather than putting on my “perfectionism” mask to get through the
experience, I owned my feelings and reached out for support, both from others and
within myself. As I write this entry and reflect on the day, I feel stronger
and more prepared for tomorrow. My “will” is tried daily and in order to keep
it alive, I must nurture it. For me, it’s exercise, journaling, and connecting
with others. I use my repertoire daily, it requires a lot of practice and
self-awareness, but the benefits make everything worth it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">How do you nurture your spirit? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-12748052539244822232012-10-01T21:36:00.000-07:002012-10-02T07:30:13.298-07:00Leaf Thirty-six & Thirty-seven: Embracing Adversity and the Vulnerability Hangover<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf Thirty-six: Embracing
Adversity<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“To a brave man, good and back
luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both” –St. Catherine of Siena<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Four weeks into my work has been the most memorable new beginning of my lifetime.
The youth I work with touch my soul in a way I did not know I was
capable of feeling. They know more about the hardships of real life than anyone
I have ever had the privilege to encounter. They know how to endure hell and
keep their head above the surface. They are survivors. I look at their stories
and only see strength and courage. When I hear their ability to overcome the
adversity they are faced with daily, I feel hope for the rest of the world. It confirms
for me the exquisite capacity of the human condition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The adversity is especially challenging
causing me to question my role at times. How did I come to deserve such an
invaluable position? To be able to hold the space for my clients to explore depths
of who they are, their struggles, and their resiliency is both humbling and
terrifying. I am humbled by their words. Never before in my life have I
facilitated an environment for such difficult experiences to be brought to the
surface. I thought I knew pain, suffering, and hurt until I met the young women
and men I work with everyday. For me they have painted the picture of what it
means to really survive. My job is to help them be able to thrive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Last week I felt a bit helpless
with the work in the sense that I am unable to give the youth the love they are
missing from their families. They have been dealt a hand that tries the
strength of the human condition. I want nothing more than to be able to help
them recognize the amazing power each one of them hold. Because of their
experiences, they have much more to offer the world then the wealthiest, most
educated, powerful people I have encountered in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I liked the quote at the
beginning of this blog as it symbolized what I feel is making the most out of
adversity. It is about taking the good with the bad and finding a way to live
up to the potential inherent within each one of us. As much as I would like the
world to be black and white or to be able to separate things into what is in my
control versus what is not, that isn’t reality. There is too much emotion to
let it be that simple. Our world is in the gray. No matter how much we try to
fight it, to put on a mask because that’s what society wants, we all still
feel. To feel deeply, to understand the experiences of another, is how we truly
connect with those around us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On the days I feel helpless and
unsure, I remember this, that my emotions, my ability to feel deeply, allow me
to embrace the adversity that I face. It allows me to hold the adversity that
my clients face. My gray area gives me the capacity to see the strength amidst
the chaos. I want nothing more than the youth to know that they have touched my
life in a remarkable way. Four weeks into the most challenging work of my life
and I cannot wait for the next day. I cannot wait to hear the stories of the
survivors.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf Thirty-seven: Vulnerability
Hangover<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple of weeks ago I started
the latest book from the author who inspired my journey nine months ago. Dr.
Brené Brown’s work, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daring Greatly: How
the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and
Lead, </i>couldn’t have fell into my lap at a more perfect moment. I am about a
quarter of the way into the book and already captivated by the power of what
she is getting at:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“Vulnerability
is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face
every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our
willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of
our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves
from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection” (pp., 2).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Over the course of my personal
journey, I have come to realize that to be fully alive is incredibly challenging.
It requires dedication to engage in the work despite the discomfort that comes
from exposing ourselves to others. Despite the discomfort I have endured the
past nine months, despite the pain or hurt, despite the anxiety that comes with
being what Brené deems “naked”, I am happier, healthier and stronger than ever
before. As much as I would love to turn the self-awareness light off some days,
for me there is no turning back. I have come to know and embrace parts of
myself that before I kept hidden below the surface. My hope is that others can
be touched by something deeper. That they have the opportunity to engage in the
hard work that has the power to move us beyond measure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Since I met Dallas about four
months ago, my vulnerability has been especially tested. Before he came along,
I was getting pretty great at “doing me”. I was being vulnerable, striving for
wholeheartedness daily, and growing internally. The emotions I endured (both
good and bad) were becoming easier to navigate through and I was gaining
clarity on who I am. While Dallas has only enhanced this experience further, he
has also brought a strong wave of emotion into the mix, which can often get me
to feeling a little discombobulated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As I am sure itnhas been evident
in my writing, I am an extremely passionate, deep feeler kind of a person. For
most of my life I viewed this ability to feel as a bad thing. I cried too
easily. I was too sensitive. etc. etc. I kept telling myself that one day I
would grow out of it. That I wouldn’t feel so deeply anymore. Well obviously
that never changed and as I entered graduate school, started the personal work,
I began to realize the gift I had been given. Because of my ability to feel
deeply, I am able to connect with individuals even during the most difficult of
circumstances. I am able to be fully present in my work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">So this is where the lines
between work and my personal life get blurred a bit. Because truth be told, I
cannot turn the “time to feel deeply” switch on and off. Very early on with
Dallas, I knew something was different. Partly because I had reached a place in
my life where I felt secure and confident and worthy and partly because he is
well…just absolutely perfect. I found myself becoming mesmerized in the moments
spent with him. His gratitude and genuineness about life touched my heart and I
could feel what was building. I knew it would only be a matter of time when the
words “I love you” would slip out of my mouth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I said it once out loud to him a
while back. I am not really sure what happened, but I just said it. After that,
I experienced what I now am identifying as a “vulnerability hangover”. Brené
describes this as the aftermath of an immensely vulnerable experience where we
take the risk and put ourselves out there. Metaphorically speaking, we are naked;
exposing a part of who we are that leaves us <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vulnerable </i>to experiencing an assortment of different feelings. I
am not going to lie, after I got in my car from leaving Dallas’s house that
day, it felt like I had gotten hit by a bus. I did not expect anything after I
said what I said to him, but nonetheless, it was hard to take in. I had put
myself out there, exposed my heart, and felt the effects that come with taking the
risk. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It took me about another month to
develop the courage to speak from my heart again. So last week, I let it out
and again, I would experience another vulnerability hangover. However, this
time I was prepared. I was able to identify what was going on, what I needed,
and how to ask for it. It came down to this, containing my passion and my real
feelings, was a lot harder than owning them. I wanted to know that it was okay
to my heart out. I did not need Dallas to know whether he loved me or not. What
I needed was to know that he was all in too. That he was willing to dive into
the vulnerability water head first. I realized that in order for my best self
to be brought out, I needed to be with someone who could express when they feel
scared, ashamed, happy, excited, etc. I want it all, the good, the bad, and
everything in between. Because for me, I know both from what I have learned and
what I have experienced, that to be vulnerable is sincerest way we are able to
have the deepest, most loving connection with others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Needless to say, my next
conversation with Dallas was even more terrifying than saying “I love you”
because communicating what we want from a relationship and not knowing if that
person is ready to give you that is vulnerability at its core. Dallas is an
incredible man and someone who has listened better and been more receptive to
me than anyone else. This is why I cannot live without vulnerability. Even
though I was scared to death about the potential outcome of what he wanted, I
opened myself up for something deeper. I am not sure what the future holds for
us, but I do know that what we have is special. Though vulnerability is
challenging for him, I can tell that he feels something deeper also. So despite
another vulnerability hangover, I feel more connected to Dallas than before. I
know that he is there; ready to dive in, even if it is only the shallow end for
now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-15079782647554959652012-09-16T13:37:00.003-07:002012-09-16T13:37:29.266-07:00Leaf Thirty-five: My Church
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“We are not
human beings in search of spirituality. We are spiritual beings immersed in
human experience” –Pierre Teilhard de Chardin<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Throughout
this process of wholehearted growth, I have discovered a yearning within myself
for spiritual connection—a connection to the world around me and a belief that
there is a higher power amidst this wondrous universe. Last Sunday I took time
to enjoy a beach run along the coast, watching the sunset, and enjoying the
sensations of the water and sand. As I thought about what I was grateful for my
mind wandered to a variety of things, one being church and religion. Since
deciding to not be Mormon a couple years ago, organized religion is not
something I have wanted to pursue again, yet I know how important it is for my
soul to pray and to connect to something greater than myself. I thought about
where I felt peace, freedom, and connection and I continusously came to the outdoors.
Whether I’m in my mountains or running in the sand, when I am embracing nature,
my body calms. With that thought, I decided to throw out the possibility of
having Sunday beach runs be my “church”, a ritual that I could engage in weekly
to pray, to reflect, and to express my gratitude.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple
things took place over the past week after I contemplated making the beach my
church. As I walked back to my car after the run, there was a flyer on my
window advertising an organized church in the area. I laughed at the timing of
it all. The next day, I decided to do another evening beach run to further
explore my thoughts and feelings about creating a new ritual for myself. It was
during that run that I realized the power of a sunset. As I ran along the
coast, watching the sunset, I stopped to truly enjoy and take in the image.
When I looked around, I was incredibly moved by everyone else around me.
Although I knew no one on the beach that day, we were are intricately connected
to this glorious sunset. Everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to
embrace the moment that was happening. I felt the spiritual power of nature and
any doubts I had about creating my own church ritual went away. In that moment,
I decided on my new leaf of the week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Part of my
leaf this week was also about moving forward. Although I have not practiced
Mormonism for almost three years, I am still technically a member of the
church. In order to no longer be kept on Mormon records, one has to submit a
letter requesting to be removed from church membership. This was something I
had heard about, but never taken the time to look into. As I continue to
discover my own belief system and develop my spiritual foundation, I have a
yearning to be truly free. This week, I wrote and sent my letter to the Mormon
Church requesting to no longer be a member. It was a step that was both relieving
and empowering as I took the initiative to create what I truly want for myself.
Although I will wait for a confirmation from church headquarters, I am closing
a door to an identity that I have never felt connected to and that is an incredibly
freeing experience. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“When you
discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough
about yourself to make room for it in your life” –Jean Shinoda Bolen<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I love
quotes. It is easy for me to find words that speak to me in the moment. Words
capture me in ways that move me on many different levels. I think this is why I
writing, reading, listening to music, and receiving kind thoughts from someone
else have such an impact on my life. The spoken, sang, or written word is
definitely my strongest language of love. As I write this leaf, I feel full. I
feel free and at peace. I know it is because I have taken time to care for
myself. Caring and loving me has become my greatest form of survival. The work
I put into get to this place was worth every moment. While the bad days are
still there…I recover quickly, feeling stronger and more at peace than ever
before. This is what it feels like to really believe in yourself, even with all
the anxieties, nerves, and fears, the hope and faith that I have for the future
burns deep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-58699951532716266862012-09-04T20:44:00.001-07:002012-09-04T20:47:26.688-07:00Leaf Thirty-two, Thirty-three & Thirty-four: Wavehouse Ravehouse; Closing a BIG Chapter; & Ms. Sartini<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">There has
been a bit of a delay on the last three leaves. I have been writing…in random
note books, on napkins, basically anything I have free at the moment when my
thoughts are in order. Somehow it still took me three weeks to finally find an
evening to sit down at my computer and put everything together. It only seems
fitting that the time comes at the end of my first day of my first real-life-grown-up
job. But before I get to that, here’s what’s been going on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Thirty-two: Wavehouse Ravehouse<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Since
meeting Dallas, the level of fun in my life has been at an all time high. As I have
said before, there is something to be said about spending time with someone who
truly engages in every moment. Dallas always seems to be having a good time,
whether it’s with his friends, with school, at work, with me…honestly, I have
only ever seen him enjoying himself. It is refreshing and has woken up a part
of me that in the past I have always felt compelled to leave sleeping as too
much fun could break up my “perfect routine”. This past summer, I feel like
Dallas has helped me do exactly what I set out to do eight months ago when I
started the blog. The goal of fifty-two leaves was for me to get outside of
what I normally do and to enjoy every moment of it. Spending time with Dallas
has allowed me to hold on to my inner freedom in a balanced, yet exciting way.
My openness and love for life has defintiely increased.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple
weeks ago, I indulged in a Sunday Funday with Dallas and his friends at
wavehouse. Dallas labeled his facebook album “Wavehouse Ravehouse”, I thought
it was catchy and would make a good leaf title. Anyways…we spent the Sunday
letting loose and dancing the day/night away. A couple years ago, I never
thought I would be one for the house music scene, but since my move to San
Diego, I have enjoyed some of my favorite nights out dancing to the techno
beats. It feels in some way like everyone becomes a part of the music, which
stimulates a very enticing environment. Being with Dallas and taking in the day
was especially freeing, reminding me of why I started my wholehearted journey –
to let go of what I “typically” do and embrace the times to be different. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Thirty-three: Closing a BIG Chapter<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My heart is
heavy and full as I write this leaf, as it marks the completion of my year as
an intern and the end of my graduate program. I said good-bye to a group of
people last Thursday who changed my life, inspired me, and aided in the growth
of a lifetime. It has been a whirlwind of a year, one that I am leaving a
different person, stronger, calmer, happier, and ready to take on the world. I
feel that every inch of who I am, deep into my soul, was shaped by my
colleagues and supervisors at Harmonium. Each one of them touched my heart,
leaving me with a new hope for the future. How incredible it is to be a part of
something so rare, genuine, and powerful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During my time at Harmonium, I was given one
of the most incredible gifts mankind has to offer…the opportunity to be with
people who woke up my spirit and gave me a greater purpose to live for. You all
taught me how to walk among the great ones because you let me walk with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Without the
experiences that took place over the course of my two years of graduate school,
fifty-two leaves would have never happened. I know without a doubt, I would be
stuck in the midst of my need for perfection, longing for what it meant to live
wholeheartedly. As I reflect on this past year, I know in my heart that I found
my calling in life. I found a way to develop and integrate both my personal and
professional identity to establish my future. The road was not easy, nor is it
far from over, but I have been able to build the foundation for where my
journey will take me. For as long as I can remember I knew I wanted to be able
to help others…I wanted to know their story, to understand them, and to let
them know it was going to be okay. What I did not realize, is that I first
needed to do the same for myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As I have
come to be able to give myself love, compassion, and support, my value on life
has changed dramatically. No matter what the day brings, the feeling of it
“being okay” never waivers. For that, I am deeply thankful for graduate school,
for the people who aided along the way, and for myself, for having the courage
to dig into the deepest, scariest parts of who I am to become a better person.
It is a lifelong journey and one that I look forward to living every day. So
while I’m closing an extremely BIG and invaluable chapter in my life, I am
starting the next one truly living…which is the greatest feeling in the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Thirty-four: Ms. Sartini<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“If we don’t
change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” –Gail Sheehy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Leaf
Thirty-four marks my first official day as the Community Counselor at Chaparral
High School and what a big day it was. I am filled with incredible amounts of
joy, gratitude, and excitement for the year I have ahead. While my nerves will
out full force this morning, I am ending the day, feeling calm and ready for
tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Today
started off with a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on my car from Dallas,
with a little note saying “Relax! You’re going to do great”. The thoughtfulness
of the gesture meant so much to me. In that moment, I felt myself calm a bit,
more ready to take on what was next. Knowing he was thinking of me made
everything else easier and less scary. Thank you Dallas, for knowing exactly
what I needed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My leaf is
titled “Ms. Sartini” as it represents my role as a teacher, something I have
NEVER been before. It was weird starting school for the first time in 20 years
not as a student. While I do not hold a typical teaching role, my position
allows me to teach a class called “Reconnecting Youth”. I work with a group of
students for the first semester to establish a peer support system that helps
foster their growth and identity. I handed out a syllabus and everything...like
a said, weird, but super cool haha. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Mostly, I am
still wrapping my head around everything. It was crazy to come home from work
and have the evening to do whatever I wanted…Bar Method, dinner, t.v.,
blogging, listening to music…there is a lot that can get done when I do not
have to run to babysitting or write a homework. Nonetheless, I have no doubt
that I endured all the crazy 12hour days so I could enjoy the transition to my
next stage of growth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">There are
much more experiences to come, I’m sure. But here’s to a new change, being a
teacher, and embracing what lies ahead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-66698909733963626902012-08-23T22:21:00.000-07:002012-08-23T22:21:36.260-07:00Leaf Thirty-one: Defining Our Decade<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Lately, I
have been slacking on my blog writing. Fifty-two leaves and wholehearted living
have been constantly on my mind, but I have not given myself the time to sit
down and write. Writing for me, like exercise, is one my greatest releases. I
love being able to put my passion about what is going on into words. As I
reflect on the past couple weeks, I realize how much I have missed taking the
time each week to write about the way I have lived wholeheartedly. Writing
about my leaves has become a part of my wellbeing. It holds me accountable for
my goals, inspires me, and fuels my heart for the next week. Tonight, after a
long day at work, I knew I needed to devote time entirely to me. I couldn’t
think of anything better than to share another amazing leaf.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A few weeks
ago, I started a book called “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and
How to Make the Most of them Now”, by Meg Jay. While I have one section left to
finish in the book, it of course, like most of the reading I do, has inspired
me. The author is a clinical psychologist who speaks from her experiences working
with twenty-somethings as well as thirty-somethings, forty-somethings, etc. She
captures the essence of profound decade of our lives, our twenties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The message is about what it means to thrive
during our twenties so we do not have to play catch up in our thirties and
forties. As I conclude my final year of graduate school, the book has helped me
gain a stronger perspective on where I am right now. I am not reading and
feeling discouraged about my twenties. More like identifying progress,
recognizing areas for potential growth, and embracing new information. One of
my favorite things about the book so far is that the author has motivated me to
think about the aspects of my future that have not necessarily been a part of
my education. No one tells us what life is going to be like after college, no
one talks about the transition from being a student to working 9-5, no one
tells us how to find a partner to spend the rest of our life with. It’s
overwhelming. After I started the book, I recommended it to all my girlfriends
because the information is incredibly rich to our decade. It talks about the
things that no one else does. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzNkYMQsKQcyxOzFdOFfbdGJcxhnuQODempoYjjmCKbjY0hTZfK4JJPDw3ZOp_Kh8rfYo2qTBC6GSED0dsIiRJ0wldvHDOCUC0E0CGxMgLa7-LKNn5CJhnpy-MNZObT9qlOjTzoNx3OTs/s1600/leaf+31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzNkYMQsKQcyxOzFdOFfbdGJcxhnuQODempoYjjmCKbjY0hTZfK4JJPDw3ZOp_Kh8rfYo2qTBC6GSED0dsIiRJ0wldvHDOCUC0E0CGxMgLa7-LKNn5CJhnpy-MNZObT9qlOjTzoNx3OTs/s320/leaf+31.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As I think
about defining my decade, I cannot help but reflect on the people who I began
the journey of my twenties with. Over the past weekend, my two roommates from
college, Mags and Melo, came to San Diego for a reunion get together. Our fourth
partner in crime, Lex, was greatly missed. She could not make it for the
weekend, but I know we all kept her spirit in our heart. Since we graduated in
2010, we have not been able to plan something where we were all in the same
place, so this weekend was incredibly special and one I will cherish for the
rest of my life. What these women mean to me is often beyond words. We spent
four pivotal years learning and growing together during some of the most
precious moments we will experience in our lifetime. There will never be
anything comparable to my college experience, where these women set the
foundation for my wholehearted life and shaped me into the person I am today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It was
powerful to see how Mags and Melo have defined their twenties over the past
couple years. They shared stories over the weekend that spoke so much truth to
what it means to figure out who we are. I felt proud of them, thankful for
their courage and inspiration. I felt blessed to be able to meet them in the
moment, to share my growth and to feel their support and love. I have
difficulty putting into words the power of our weekend together. We knew each
other on the some of the deepest levels in college. To see the way we the four
of has have evolved and grown, while maintaining that same spirit from college
is amazing. I feel blessed for each of their friendships, for the gifts they
have given me about what it means to live and love with our whole hearts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidA51T9igoTCXkdQiZTlKCenCsknZfMk9504TSd_769PyVN5J5jmJmtdrSAM-X-sFS98X5EfX6QmL9DECK-wErIOL48sXKUm37BW4yGI5j3bcCIGIYqENFwtWne1lL47nKjXH3SsoN7yY/s1600/leaf31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidA51T9igoTCXkdQiZTlKCenCsknZfMk9504TSd_769PyVN5J5jmJmtdrSAM-X-sFS98X5EfX6QmL9DECK-wErIOL48sXKUm37BW4yGI5j3bcCIGIYqENFwtWne1lL47nKjXH3SsoN7yY/s320/leaf31.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This weekend
we relit the fire that connects us all. The one of a kind friendship that has persevered
through the ups and downs of the past six years. I think that’s how you know
something is real, when no matter how long you are apart, the moment you
reconnect it is as if nothing has ever changed. As I move forward in my life,
as I define this decade, I know it will be supported by incredible women. Thank
you to Mags, Melo, and Lex for bringing so much beauty into my life, I love you
all so much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-24163597714966731442012-08-20T23:05:00.000-07:002012-08-20T23:05:05.846-07:00Leaf Thirty: Bar Method
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">A
couple of weeks ago, I took advantage of trying something new for my leaf of
the week. Several months back my girlfriend Cookie told me about this new
exercise phenomenon called “Bar Method”. She raved about how much she enjoyed
the class and the incredible fitness results. I kept saying I would eventually
try it, but like a lot of things, it got pushed to the back of my busy
schedule. It seemed only fitting that as I transition into the next phase of my
life that I add something to ease with the nerves. Exercise is my biggest
stress reliever…I am always trying new things and love to push myself to the
next limit. After my first at the new job today, the beauty of this new leaf
was extremely apparent. I was exhausted when I got there at 5:30pm, but felt
rejuvenated afterwards. That despite a hectic day, everything was going to be
okay. I love that feeling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The
bar method offers a $10 for 10 days challenge thingy...I made it 9/10 days and
let’s just say I’m hooked. It’s difficult to explain what the class exactly
entails, as I am still trying to wrap my head around how small, focused
movements and breathing can be quite the cardiovascular workout. The class
lasts an hour, with an instructor that is incredibly helpful. It consists of a
variety of different movements, some with weights, some on a ballet bar, some
on a mat…lots of “tucking your seat” moments. I love the environment and mental
focus. When class is over, I always feel refreshed and ready to take on the
whatever is next. The results are quite incredible too. Never before have I
felt my strength increase so quickly. I literally feel longer and leaner. I
highly recommend taking the 10 day challenge if there is a studio near you. It
is fun, energizing, and offers a mixed level class that seems to fit most
everyone. Bar method has been one of my favorite leaves of the year and I look
forward to adding it to my schedule daily!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Below is the link for anyone who is interested in learning more about it:</span></div>
<a href="http://www.barmethod.com/" target="_blank">http://www.barmethod.com/</a>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-40967642490793759582012-08-07T16:50:00.001-07:002012-08-07T16:50:34.280-07:00Leaf Twenty-nine: Beautiful Connections<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“I define
connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard,
and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they
derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> –Dr. Brené Brown </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHYXqjDvYOWX7fbz2V_qhxmZpwg_ciY3jXq7WrOZMlGX1wNo-WTiK3-H0pHufRk7hZcrQlb6lA5ObBrd29LLxKqipiJw7RK1RCFygH-6QuxNE24o4GXTs5lN10RTqQBN7SACDmmqKop8M/s1600/Leaf+29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHYXqjDvYOWX7fbz2V_qhxmZpwg_ciY3jXq7WrOZMlGX1wNo-WTiK3-H0pHufRk7hZcrQlb6lA5ObBrd29LLxKqipiJw7RK1RCFygH-6QuxNE24o4GXTs5lN10RTqQBN7SACDmmqKop8M/s320/Leaf+29.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Throughout
the last few years as well as a couple past relationships, I have begun to
define the qualities I look for in significant other, and one thing I have
continually kept close to my heart is the desire that I have to be with someone
who makes me want to be a better person. I believe that unconditional love is possible
as we find another person who brings out our best self and also allows us to
return that same favor. What I am searching for is someone who provokes a
yearning within me for continued growth both individually and together. Dallas
has without a doubt lit something unfamiliar, yet incredibly enticing within
me. Never before have I felt more compelled or more driven to search for
something bigger than myself. He has a depth to him that is extremely rare,
with an inviting soul and a kinder heart than anyone I have ever met before.
The more I get to know him, the more goodness I discover. This summer, while
completely unexpected, has made me feel more alive than I could have ever
imagined. My growing feelings for Dallas, along with many exciting memories so
far and of course more to come, inspired my leaf this week on beautiful
connections and what it means to truly share moments with great people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_q_rFx5x0SEexxqrCOgCNSb4KzSV-qFTs9IPB6omh1n_w9-FT2_M7jn9vO_Xfd5oWfnX1tNnC0Z0iWc3qA8lLIm6X_eg_bXCEtIUXcb9YwhYfD7EuDntwv62Fv1nGZ7MDEHSL34zU6Q/s1600/Leaf+29.1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_q_rFx5x0SEexxqrCOgCNSb4KzSV-qFTs9IPB6omh1n_w9-FT2_M7jn9vO_Xfd5oWfnX1tNnC0Z0iWc3qA8lLIm6X_eg_bXCEtIUXcb9YwhYfD7EuDntwv62Fv1nGZ7MDEHSL34zU6Q/s320/Leaf+29.1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiyCT1MPFQMSSj_MMZivCmD_LJohyphenhyphenSzf_mDD62hj85EFQbzVSctQqPLwCHen_buolgD2jSbXFzZdnRmCNvFsmQDUjf5kp9C7tVGP8GXBhPYGGOc4ppFspCdzm9sYBt-YkHn55WmyiUZpg/s1600/Leaf+29.2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiyCT1MPFQMSSj_MMZivCmD_LJohyphenhyphenSzf_mDD62hj85EFQbzVSctQqPLwCHen_buolgD2jSbXFzZdnRmCNvFsmQDUjf5kp9C7tVGP8GXBhPYGGOc4ppFspCdzm9sYBt-YkHn55WmyiUZpg/s320/Leaf+29.2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This past
weekend, I traveled to Dallas’s hometown in the Fresno area to spend time with
his family. I met his mom and sister a few weeks ago, so I was especially looking
forward to getting to know them more. Since Dallas has truly captivated me in
many profound ways these past couple of months, it has been a pleasure to see
where he came from. I very much enjoy his mom, Anna, and sister, Lyric. They
opened their arms to me and from the moment I met them, I felt the love they
all had for each other. Like I said a couple weeks ago, I am thankful to have
been able to feel that kind of love and was ever so blessed to get to experience
it again over the weekend. I also got to meet Dallas’s grandma, two aunts,
uncle, and several younger cousins, each leaving such a special imprint on my
heart. Time was spent enjoying one another’s company, going to a water-park,
wrestling with the little boys, and judging the fish taco cooking throw-down
between Dallas and his Uncle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDCq_p7e4T81pPMFl7xg4XOiOguImQ3tn_PzKKnrZHsFrIJYQe4nKNb6I1vBSMh43V7w0081aMMpXj24UwiVp-aIabbatHEZGzAKdxlCaMZXJVvZdYxfXEfwuWtXeOOq6Yt_OPPs1M-GU/s1600/Leaf+29.3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDCq_p7e4T81pPMFl7xg4XOiOguImQ3tn_PzKKnrZHsFrIJYQe4nKNb6I1vBSMh43V7w0081aMMpXj24UwiVp-aIabbatHEZGzAKdxlCaMZXJVvZdYxfXEfwuWtXeOOq6Yt_OPPs1M-GU/s320/Leaf+29.3.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhWRPDgIHz7FSfN7DYZ1X7wCpcgS90Y0wMXoF96RAEGHs4MQOiVsfEBhV8YClcaw1oQ0WBTHSWuOwcJ-mK9HxuCyqkRV03GMfGuREerufEoUAL6xDwV0JJ6Ws7Xdif2iYpRLZIJAXJlFE/s1600/Leaf+29.4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhWRPDgIHz7FSfN7DYZ1X7wCpcgS90Y0wMXoF96RAEGHs4MQOiVsfEBhV8YClcaw1oQ0WBTHSWuOwcJ-mK9HxuCyqkRV03GMfGuREerufEoUAL6xDwV0JJ6Ws7Xdif2iYpRLZIJAXJlFE/s320/Leaf+29.4.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Since I
began my personal journey to a wholehearted life, I have been blessed to
encounter and feel the presence of so many remarkable people around me. This
weekend was no different as I felt incredibly comfortable and moved by the
graciousness of Dallas’s family. Their love for one other powerfully reflects
the endurance and strength that is created under that capacity. My leaf this
week is about embracing others through opening myself to those around me. Yes,
I was nervous to meet Dallas’s family, but the nerves are not triggering
anxiety anymore, rather a yearning to understand and practice self-compassion.
I valued authenticity over everything else and opened myself up to the
beautiful connections of a wonderful family. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-2620842395562679492012-07-30T12:49:00.000-07:002012-07-30T12:49:23.784-07:00Leaf Twenty-eight: Perseverance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl9_vs9haWI87i-bEli3WDawl9AXHEV9ZGbHhKLb2zdlrIpw7GYb7pgR6xA16WNSkO0dX-cVB1WzzWeaTceqn2agU1l3TJlhfvHEXYlxvqJDXBcjWiP7y1OnS7aQU-1U-g9RG1LSK9Th0/s1600/leaf+28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl9_vs9haWI87i-bEli3WDawl9AXHEV9ZGbHhKLb2zdlrIpw7GYb7pgR6xA16WNSkO0dX-cVB1WzzWeaTceqn2agU1l3TJlhfvHEXYlxvqJDXBcjWiP7y1OnS7aQU-1U-g9RG1LSK9Th0/s1600/leaf+28.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This past
week has been an absolute whirlwind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am incredibly thankful and blessed and thrilled for the next chapter of my life
to begin. Leaf twenty-eight is about working hard, being who you are, and
owning your story. These three things helped me persevere through a challenging,
trying year and essentially opened up an unexpected opportunity for my future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A couple
weeks ago I got a phone call from one of my supervisors for a clinic I work at
in East County. She was calling to offer me a job interview for a position
opening up at the high school next year. She stated the position had already
officially been closed, but wanted to give me the opportunity to apply as she
knew me and my work ethic over the course of the past year. I was surprised by
the call and in the moment it was a lot to wrap my head around. I agreed to the
interview and spent the following few days really considering what the job
would mean for me at this time in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As the
reality of having a potential job before I finished school set it, I was
overwhelmed with excitement and at the same time absolutely terrified of
screwing things up. My anxiety levels shot through the roof as I prepared for
the interview. I had the initial interview on Tuesday with my supervisor. She
was warm and already knew a lot about me so it helped calm my nerves. With that
being said, the questions were challenging and encouraged me to think about who
I was as a therapist. Afterwards she told me there was a high chance I would
qualify for the second interview on Thursday with the school principal, head
guidance counselor and another woman who held a strong role in alternative
education. She stated they would be making the final decision and that the
individual I was competing against would be tough competition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">When she
called to offer me the second interview, she stated that I needed to enter the
interview with the goal to sell myself completely. As you can imagine, my
nerves were over stimulated with excitement as well as fear of rejection.
Knowing what my triggers are and the need to be perfect, I spent the following day
preparing what I wanted to accomplish out this interview. Immediately, I knew
that I had to make my first goal about staying real. Like I talked about a few
weeks earlier, a huge trigger for shame for me is entering an environment with
a need to be accepted versus owning my story and being my authentic self. I
really began to think about what my strengths were in my field and how I was
going to articulate them in an interview room. I have difficulty expressing
pride for myself out of a fear that it makes me appear haughty or
self-centered. For the interview, I knew that I needed to own my strengths and
to be proud of the hard work I had committed to over the years. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">At this
moment I am incredibly thankful for the personal journey I devoted the past
year too and the amount of time I put into self-discovery. It is one the
reasons I am fortunate and blessed to have a job lined up as I complete my
graduate program. There are so many that helped me persevere along this pathway
and my gratitude to them is never ending. As I entered the interview having
faith in myself and expressing my passion for what I do, I left knowing that
whatever happened in the end, I had grown as a person. Despite being incredibly
nervous, I never waivered from my goal of being myself and owning my strengths.
Leaf twenty-eight marks an exciting, joyous beginning to a new era of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“With ordinary talents and extraordinary perseverance, all things are
attainable” –Sir Thomas Buxton<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-83632774105118815832012-07-25T22:41:00.002-07:002012-07-25T22:41:40.340-07:00Leaf Twenty-seven: Simply Thankful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTpenlTpec8-uqfIPYfUF8-LqiKszYYj-Y_gAjfRfEQH_WFWSeyou_g2NWZU3H8k4clJJ9_xa8KG6Sd9zi3l09xrPSuo69w04nDenvHiOlFY8px4SnIXjf07Sf3FjCIMTEsbHcvs977vk/s1600/leaf+27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTpenlTpec8-uqfIPYfUF8-LqiKszYYj-Y_gAjfRfEQH_WFWSeyou_g2NWZU3H8k4clJJ9_xa8KG6Sd9zi3l09xrPSuo69w04nDenvHiOlFY8px4SnIXjf07Sf3FjCIMTEsbHcvs977vk/s320/leaf+27.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I have had a
hard time putting leaf twenty-seven into words. Over the past week or so, it
has been difficult for me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. The best
way I can think to describe what I am experiencing is this: a sensation of
comforting warmth. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel connected to
the world around me in a deeper more spiritual way and I find myself noticing
and appreciating the loveliest, most simple things that surround my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My leaf this
week is about gratefulness. One of the things that Dr. Brené Brown talks about
as being necessary to a wholehearted life is taking the time to incorporate
gratitude practice daily. She states that those who live wholeheartedly,
despite busy, hectic, stressful days, remember to save a moment to say, “I am
grateful for…”. For Brené, this simple practice is how we keep gratitude alive
within us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Simply
thankful was ignited during a conversation Dallas and I were having about
higher power and what keeps us grounded in our lives. He shared that every
night he says a prayer of gratitude for the place he is at in his life and the
gifts he has been given. This moved me in a powerful way as Dallas was willing
to share a deeper part of himself and to see the absolute thankfulness he
maintains for his life. I think this is exactly what Brené would call gratitude
practice. With that in mind, I began to think about the ways in which I
cultivated gratitude in my life. I feel thankful daily, but how do I keep it
alive?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My goal
since Dallas and I’s conversation that night was to notice and take in the
glorious world I encounter daily. Never before have I felt more appreciative of
the simple, yet most captivating moments around me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Running is my sanctuary.
It calms me. It moves me. There is no other time when I feel more free. During
my runs this week, with gratitude in mind, I took the opportunity to release
what I needed to, but to also soak in the beautiful place around me. I discovered
my own gratitude practice, what I am now calling, “thankful runs”, on the beach
in Cardiff. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so deeply grateful for
this place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On Sunday
along the coast, I watched a woman push her husband in a wheel chair so he
could enjoy the glorious view also. I am thankful for that simple, pure, giving
love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thankful for the little boy I saw fishing
with a pole he created himself. His focus. His carefree nature. His drive to
succeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am
thankful for the fresh breeze that comes off the water and the way the sand feels inbetween my toes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am thankful
for the strength of my legs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That they
have the power to push through the stress, anxiety, and fears. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My “thankful
runs” allowed me to notice the beauty around, but also gave me time for reflection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am
grateful to be an MFT. For the opportunity to be in a field where I get to
help people at the most precious times in their lives and that they trust me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am
thankful for the laughter and joy that comes when with great friends. I had a
night out with Lily and Al, we laughed and danced more than anything. There was
so much joy. I am thankful for that joy and the feeling that overcomes you when
you are surrounded with those you love and no one else in the room matters. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Over the
weekend, I got to meet Dallas’s mom and sister. What a beautiful, loving
family. I feel grateful to have met them. I feel thankful to be a witness of the
unconditional love and warmth they have for one another. It was real, in the
best kind of ways. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This week’s
leaf is a bit scattered. I knew I wanted my new leaf to be about gratitude
practice, but as the week went on, I did not really know how to put it all into
words. What it came down to was this, I woke up each day enjoying and recognizing
the simple, yet incredibly valuable things in my life. I took time to love the
moments and to be appreciative of this one of a kind life I have. I am left
feeling peaceful. It’s a breathing, loving, laughing, the world is brighter
and more giving kind of feeling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My “thankful
runs” will forever be a ritual of mine. How are you simply thankful in your
life?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-5333968160305331472012-07-16T22:38:00.000-07:002012-07-23T19:40:55.308-07:00Leaf Twenty-six: Open<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4u8OOfJEXsqEu7L5ZFOJz5qr7-0it4G-1Mfag6FJ2vX2OsISwV-wF-74feIA8yWUkZmmZ1vgsDafoqOHz8wOM7kAF8WCo6WTfP3uYw8ed4dPk6Zg521QTDI5Ol1f6ixc9LCtA6ipkx9s/s1600/Leaf+26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4u8OOfJEXsqEu7L5ZFOJz5qr7-0it4G-1Mfag6FJ2vX2OsISwV-wF-74feIA8yWUkZmmZ1vgsDafoqOHz8wOM7kAF8WCo6WTfP3uYw8ed4dPk6Zg521QTDI5Ol1f6ixc9LCtA6ipkx9s/s320/Leaf+26.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This past
week was filled with many moments of wholeheartedly living, which are always my
favorite kind of weeks and as I thought about what my overall feelings was
throughout the wholeheartedness, what I kept coming back to was: open. Living,
breathing, thinking, feeling, giving, with an open mind and heart. Leaf
twenty-six marks my halfway point on this journey and there is no doubt that my
heart is more open than ever before. What an incredible, beautiful ride it has
been thus far. I wake up every day feeling stronger, happier, and ready to
embrace what lies ahead. I am thankful, blessed, and overwhelmed with joy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am not really
sure with where to start with what I have felt this the past week, although
very exciting, it has been a bit of a whirlwind…a good one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Monday
started off with a beach walk with Lily and Allison and Lily’s pup Arnold. It
has been amazing having the beach less than five minutes from my house to take advantage
of. I have spent more time than ever before enjoying its proximity. Every day I
drive by expressing great thankfulness and an “I can’t believe I live here” for
the beautiful Cardiff by the Sea. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
noticed the biggest change in myself since I moved a month ago. It is a relief
to come home to a place that I absolutely love and to a person who truly gets
me...I couldn’t<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ask for anything more!!
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My week
continued with exciting news at work, a date night to the movie, Ted
(hilarious!), a night out in downtown dancing, another movie night with the
girls to Magic Mike (hilarious on a whole different level), and a weekend with
family in Laguna. Needless to say, wholehearted living at its best!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As I
mentioned a couple weeks ago, I met a special someone who I could be my real,
authentic self with. While it is still too soon to say where we are going, I am
truly enjoying the direction things are progressing. Dallas has quite frankly taken
my breath away and may be the most refreshing man I have ever met. He is
honest, kind, caring and truly interested in who I am as a person. Never before
have I met someone who I feel completely comfortable to be myself with. I know
part of my ability to experience this connection with him is due to the
personal work I have taken on over the past year. I believe wholeheartedly that
when we are able to rely solely on ourselves and are okay with being alone, we
open ourselves up to something greater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">One of my
favorite things about Dallas so far is the love he has for life. It is evident
how much he enjoys the company of others and having a good time. I myself am
quite the social butterfly and thrive on the moments where I feel free of the
everyday stressors that surround me. After a long day at work on Thursday I
decided to join Dallas for a night out downtown at a nightclub. It was such a
treat to break my weekly routine and do something out of the ordinary. I don’t
really know much about the techno music scene, but I had a fabulous time moving
on the dance floor with Dallas. He seemed to be completely carefree and simply
soaking up being out for a good time. It was refreshing to share the night with
someone who meets you in the same place that you want to be. The place of
living in the moment and embracing everything that’s around and being perfectly
content with it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It has been
an exciting week. There is something to be said about having butterflies and
loving every second of it. I feel that my heart is open, in the best kind of
ways and regardless of where Dallas and I go from here, I already recognize the
genuineness of my connection with him. It is real on so many levels and for
that I will have no regrets moving forward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I leave you
with this, some words of wisdom I came across one day that are definitely
worthy of sharing:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“It’s the rule of life that
everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking for
it!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style='text-align:center;font-size:11px;font-family:arial;font-weight:normal;margin:10px;padding:0;line-height:normal'><a href='http://www.dwellable.com/a/340/San-Diego/Cardiff-by-the-Sea/Vacation-Rentals' style='border:none'><img src='http://www.dwellable.com/dwellback/340.jpg' style='width:102px;height:20px;border:none;margin:0;padding:0'><br>Cardiff by the Sea on Dwellable</a></div></div>
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<br /></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-56097001926367848132012-07-06T22:12:00.000-07:002012-07-06T22:12:28.742-07:00Leaf Twenty-five: Coming home<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This week I
traveled to my hometown to spend time with my family. There is something about
Cedar City, Utah that will forever hold a piece of my heart. Although I do not
plan to reside there again, it will be place that I always return to. Something
I have learned throughout my journey to wholehearted living is about the
importance of owning my story. It would be impossible for me to claim who I am
without owning where I came from. Since I started fifty-two leaves about six
months ago, I have not been back home to visit. I have seen my family on
multiple occasions, but there is nothing quite like returning to the place that
held you during your most impressionable years. For me, growing up in Cedar
City is an experience I would not change for the world. While it has had its
pros and cons like any other aspect of my identity, it granted me with
incredible gifts that I will cherish for all my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Coming home
is a new leaf because I have yet to return with the openness and love for life
that has fulfilled me these past six months. I am beginning my seventh year
away from the place that raised me. It is hard to believe how quickly time has
moved and how much has changed, and how much I have changed since I was 18.
When I left, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. I was
insecure, scared, but always hopeful. My sense of hope carried me, giving me
strength to dig deep and find myself. A part of me used to resent Cedar City.
Growing up, I felt out of place, somewhere between a Mormon and not. Throughout
my adolescence it was all about “fitting in” and “being normal”. On the
outside, I was impeccable at appearing “perfect”, but on the inside I was
deeply struggling with a belief system that I could not manage to hold in my
heart. Though I desperately wanted to be a “perfect” Mormon like a lot of my
peers, there was a stronger part of me that wanted something more.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Throughout
the years, I have found that something more…it is my own sense of spirituality.
It took a lot to break away from a belief system that held me for much of my
early life, but once I moved forward there was no turning back. For me, I
believe that religion is something that we come to claim on our own, as we
figure out who we are and what we want out of life. Although I tried to make
Mormonism mine for many years, I knew in my heart it never would be me, nor do
I think any religious institution ever will be again. And I am okay with that. I
believe there is something out there bigger than me, whether it’s a God for
some or a higher power for others; I know in my heart something connects us
all. I see it in my work as a therapist, when I come home to my family, when I
visit my mountains, when I run on the beach, in my relationships with friends,
and the list goes on and on. To me that is my religion: thriving in life,
giving to others, and loving deeply and compassionately. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This change
has aspired over the past few years, but committing to living wholeheartedly
added the next piece to the puzzle. Although the journey is never ending, I am
able to truly come home…to be me, free and authentic. It has been something I
have worked on since I left and I have slowly achieved with each visit. This
time was different because for once I understood what home meant in my life.
There is a lot that goes into owning my story, Cedar City happens to be a very
big piece of it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Small town
life is difficult to put into words…I think to really understand it you actually
have to live it for yourself. There is no rush hour, no traffic, you never go
anywhere where you don’t know someone, but you can always go somewhere to be
completely alone. That is probably something I miss the most about living in
Cedar, the ability to escape when you needed too. It is incredibly peaceful to
be in place where you can be fully alone with your thoughts, where the air is
fresh, and the wind is all you hear. My favorite spot in the world is my cabin
located in the mountains about an hour east of Cedar. From the time I was a
little girl there has never been a place I longed for more. We visited
frequently growing up and it was the one place that always has and still does
remain consistent in my life. I miss it dearly, but recognize its value in my
life the longer I am away. While I love the beach, the beautiful weather, and
the vast opportunities in California, my mountains are irreplaceable and that
will never change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Okay I lied,
the thing I miss the most about home is my family. Although coming home often
feels like I am 16 again, I cherish the time we have together. We are all very
close, probably too close at times, but nonetheless have an unconditional love
for one another that never waivers. For me, there is nothing better than family
dinners with my parents, my grandma, my two brothers, and our three dogs. We
all get each other on the deepest kind of level and don’t even need to exchange
words to know what everyone is thinking. Growing up, I spent a lot of time with
my family, whether we were at my cabin or on a trip, we did many things
together. As a teenager, I wanted my independence and often fought my parents
for taking me away from my friends. Now as I look back, I appreciate so much
the valuable gifts I have been given from my family. I know my mom misses me
dearly and wants me closer, but is finding her way to let me go. Time apart truly
makes the heart grow fonder…I appreciate the graciousness of my mother and the
vivacity of my father more than ever before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During my last year of high school my aunt and
uncle and their two kids (now three) moved around the corner from us. For me,
it was the greatest thing in the world having them and the kids so close. My
aunt Sadie has been like a sister to me all my life. Growing up, there was not
anyone else who I looked up to more or wanted to be just like. She was such an
important, amazing part of my life so it was only natural for me to be a part
of her kids’ lives. I remember being 14 years old and staying with her oldest
McKrae when he was only 2 while she was away a cheer camp. There was never a
second thought given to it and I chased him around all week. When her daughter
Ainslee was born, she became my little princess, especially after they moved to
Cedar. I spent so much time with the kids...and Sadie and Cris supported me in
everything I did. We’d have BBQ’s almost every Sunday night. When I left for
college, Sadie would have Ainslee call me at least once a week. My biggest fear
was always that she was going to forget me. But somehow Sadie made sure that
never happened. Every time I came to visit during college, much of the same
traditions took place, McKrae and Ainslee kept growing, but the same spirit
always existed. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had this fantasy that life
could continue on like this forever. I could be far away, but always able to
come home for long periods of time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Like they
always do, things changed. While moving to San Diego was the next part of my
journey, it also was my first step into adulthood and away from my family.
Sadie’s youngest Josilyn was born that New Year and I was only home long enough
to see her in the hospital before I drove back to California. When McKrae and
Ainslee were born, I was part of much of their early life and I knew that would
not be the same for Josilyn. It has been so enjoyable to spend time with her during
this trip home. At 18 months, she is absolutely beautiful and although only
wants to be with her mom, she makes me smile with her laughs and wobbly walk. As
always, I had a wonderful time with my parents and brothers. I am sad to see
the week come to an end. It is a bittersweet feeling…on the one hand I can’t
wait to get back to my life in San Diego, but on the other, I tear up knowing what
I am leaving behind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Cedar City
is one of a kind and a place that is an invaluable piece of my story and
journey to a wholehearted life. I am thankful for this trip home, for my
family, and the incredible love I feel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“Being a family means you are a
part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the
rest of your life. No matter what.” –Unknown<o:p></o:p></span></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-26087929921108619082012-06-30T11:03:00.002-07:002012-06-30T11:03:31.985-07:00Leaf Twenty-four: Staying Real<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“Staying
real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll get to fight. –Dr. Brené
Brown<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">On Monday,
my anxiety levels were exceptionally elevated and like usual, my self-critical,
need for perfection behaviors were ready to take charge. One of the glorious
things about self-exploration and personal growth is the heightened awareness I
have emotionally, physically, and psychologically. When I am feeling
overwhelmed and insecure, it is becoming easier to identify the numbing factors
I typically turn too such as “being perfect”. In class on Monday, I had to give
a presentation of one of my cases, one in which I was struggling with, insecure
about, and unsure how to be useful to the clients. Once the feedback came in,
although constructive and helpful, I felt flooded and broke down into tears. It
was the “not being good enough” mentality (per usual) that got to me. One thing
that has been especially difficult for me to embrace in my development as
therapist is the fact that this is not a field measured by being “good enough”.
I have come to realize that there is actually no such thing. Being a therapist
is about being real, open, and embracing the constant knowledge put in front of
me. It takes years of experience to develop a real understanding of how people work,
and even then, each day will be a challenge. As you can imagine, someone like
me who has always known how to be “perfect” in situations, jobs, classes, etc.,
transitioning to accepting the unknown has been a difficult journey.
Nonetheless, like I have said before, and like I will continue to say, it has
been the most beautiful, thriving, fulfilling process of my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">After my
breakdown in class, I knew I needed to get underneath what I was really going
on. While it was rooted in my need for perfectionism, on a deeper level, it was
contained in my fear of rejection. So like always, I went on a long run,
cleared my head, talked a few things out with my roommate Al, and turned to
Brené’s words to get inspired. What it came down to was vulnerability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And for me, while vulnerability makes me feel
more alive than anything else, it also terrifies the shit out of me. For the
few days leading up to Monday, I had felt especially vulnerable. I was nervous
about my presentation, anxious about future jobs, and experiencing a lot butterflies
for an exciting someone I had met a week earlier. My fear of being rejected was
present in each situation and instead of being authentic; I felt a need to be
accepted and for me, a need acceptance often leads to me feeling insecure. Brené
put it nicely, describing that when she enters a situation where her goal is to
feel accepted, she typically feels shame. Whereas when her goal is to be real
and authentic, she has no regrets. I think this spoke to what I was feeling,
when I am scared about getting rejected, I am more likely to feel shame whereas
when I chose to be real, and love myself for it, I feel okay regardless of the
outcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My leaf this
week was about staying real. By focusing in on what I was experiencing on
Monday, I was able alter my state of mind and have a really great week. There
were multiple days where I felt vulnerable, nervous, and scared, but I always
made my goal about being authentic and myself. At work, in school, and with the
exciting someone I mentioned earlier, I embraced being real and honest. I felt
alive this week and although it is too soon to tell where things are going with
the exciting someone, it is incredibly refreshing to feel comfortable to be my
authentic self with him. As I said earlier, vulnerability is a powerful piece
in our lives. It evokes fear and uncertainty. But without it, the deepest, most
profound connection would not be possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-87806312062190466602012-06-21T20:43:00.002-07:002012-06-21T20:43:51.374-07:00Leaf Twenty-three: Making Moves<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Last week I
took the plunge, committed to a year lease at a new apartment, and started my
next chapter. I decided a while back that I wanted to stay in San Diego post
graduate school, but was not completely sure what that would look like or even
if it would be a possibility. I have held onto the idea and worked hard to
follow my heart to achieve what I need at this time. These past two years in
San Diego have been the most telling of all my life and there is no doubt this
is the happiest, most content I have ever felt. I also know my journey here is
not yet complete and am I thrilled to truly begin the next chapter. It was both
exciting and terrifying to sign a lease and commit to stay when I am uncertain
of what life will look like after I complete school the end of August.
Ultimately my goal is to have a job lined up in my field by that time, but I
also know it is important to be realistic. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Making the
move to a new apartment, in a new area in San Diego has been a leaf I have been
looking forward to fulfilling. Although I am uncertain about the future, I am
committed and motivated to this next stage in my life. It is really time for me
to grow up and move into adulthood. Grad school definitely helped me prolong
this step, but it also facilitated a space where I could figure out who I am
and what I want for myself. Making a decision and believing in it has been one
of the most empowering feelings I have ever experienced. To have faith and
trust that I have what it takes to find my way gives me strength and hope. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It has been
less than a week since I moved into my new place and I already feel such a
different energy within myself. I am living with my good friend, Allison, who
has been such a breath of fresh air for me. I am so thankful for her kind heart
and sweet spirit and especially for the many adventures we have ahead of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Al is one of the most loyal individuals I
have ever met. Her genuine care and love for others is powerful and I am
grateful for the opportunity to share such an exciting part of my life with
her. I love being able to come home and feel completely at ease and safe to be
exactly who I am. And it’s even better that our good friend Lily lives right
around the corner. Basically, we all have a lot to look forward too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Making moves
is an inspired leaf. Despite a hectic schedule the past couple of weeks and uncertainty
about the future, I am feeling calm and ready for what is next. One of the most
valuable lessons I have learned about wholehearted living does not include the
absence of stress, pain, discomfort, sadness, etc., but the ability to sit amidst
it and know I have the strength to get through it. </span></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-67570529205448059122012-06-12T09:32:00.002-07:002012-06-21T20:44:03.932-07:00Leaf Twenty-two: Cookie Loving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIsMg0MkViekmuivZbZr4ha6PnsJ2ZYW_PAhj-VWM_-MkYjw1b8O6IzGgMKFleSEQWhLKoiJXUzT2DZtdyg9qaagOePxUVnqwVPe8c1ofK9OGi5QdTPbq1BR45_VVb_bltM9hqGEMbqGw/s1600/22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIsMg0MkViekmuivZbZr4ha6PnsJ2ZYW_PAhj-VWM_-MkYjw1b8O6IzGgMKFleSEQWhLKoiJXUzT2DZtdyg9qaagOePxUVnqwVPe8c1ofK9OGi5QdTPbq1BR45_VVb_bltM9hqGEMbqGw/s320/22.jpg" width="170" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">One of the most
incredible things about living wholeheartedly is being able to love
wholeheartedly, not only myself, but those around me. My leaf this week is
multifaceted in a number of ways. First, it is of deep gratitude to an amazing
woman that has touched my life is so many wonderful aspects. My beautiful,
inspiring, silly friend Cookie left last Thursday to move back home. It was an
emotional, heart-wrenching day as I knew my days would no longer be brightened by
her one of a kind presence. I was very sad to let her go, but overwhelmed with
a feeling of thankfulness to have shared the last two years with her. Honestly,
there are not enough words to describe the beauty of this woman. She brings
something that is so special no one will ever be able to walk in her shoes. Cookie taught me how to love myself in the
best kind of way. Mostly, Cookie taught me how to be ridiculously silly. She
demonstrated the importance of embracing the laughter of the moment and letting
go of the world around us. She gave me a freedom to express myself exactly how
I am. There was never a day when I had to be anyone else but me for her and I
hope she knows how much that meant to me. Cookie, I look up to your ability to connect
with anyone in the room, your genuineness, and love of life that captivates
those around you in a powerful way. Although I miss you so much, your spirit
lingers with me daily and I cannot wait for your visit to San Diego!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimGdKK-ujbo0E8pg_-GGR1PN0natc4HkAiG6acZKaNJnfZJnMYD6sQh-xk1arYDLJKs8JUocnWb29D4F044si90LNGmq-ALpJfgl2gzgdtQCLDJqraFTDuKpbj7RTwE1PsRwSkv1O7U7c/s1600/leaf22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimGdKK-ujbo0E8pg_-GGR1PN0natc4HkAiG6acZKaNJnfZJnMYD6sQh-xk1arYDLJKs8JUocnWb29D4F044si90LNGmq-ALpJfgl2gzgdtQCLDJqraFTDuKpbj7RTwE1PsRwSkv1O7U7c/s320/leaf22.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Each week, I
find myself thinking so much about connection and the healing power sharing
with others has in our life. Cookie loving also represents the deepest kind of
connection and growth. Besides Cookie, Al, and Lil, it is really difficult for
the outside world to understand the underpinnings of our Master’s program and
the journey to becoming a therapist. It is an extremely introspective,
difficult, life-changing process that often leaves you feeling especially raw.
The rawness provokes emotions that are hard to deal with alone. I know I speak
for all three of us girls when I say, the bond and connection we have within
this program has helped us battle many demons. In the beginning of seeing
clients, we would meet at Cookie’s and Al’s house to debrief at the end of the week.
One night as we were all sharing some of the struggles that had occurred during
the past week, Cookie grabbed her evil eye off the wall and suggested we put
our bad thoughts, feelings, etc. into it, as a means to let it go and leave it
behind. So each of us passed the evil eye around, said what we needed to, and
let it be. Later down the road, for Christmas, Al bought us all evil eye
necklaces to wear to remind us to let it go. I will never forget this ritual because
I believe it connected us each in a deeper way. We shared our vulnerabilities,
insecurities, and love for one another in those moments, which I know paved the
way for where we are today. Not only have each of these woman helped me recognize
my own worth; they have shaped my ability to love with my whole-heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC8G6cXgGpLU_xFfpJGIebLvYtv1pBK39ZBW5nB2RsGa_aj0iD5VT_CuvLV0bPlQzgoZ1DD2dV8lHjw9-ISmPtK1Yg47l9qrzyp5bLUPXrRJCoOMp3zsLZDI2vLmP9Wg4ZstQpUVPU8Hg/s1600/leaf222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC8G6cXgGpLU_xFfpJGIebLvYtv1pBK39ZBW5nB2RsGa_aj0iD5VT_CuvLV0bPlQzgoZ1DD2dV8lHjw9-ISmPtK1Yg47l9qrzyp5bLUPXrRJCoOMp3zsLZDI2vLmP9Wg4ZstQpUVPU8Hg/s320/leaf222.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> This week my heart is full as I close a
glorious chapter in my life and open the next. Cookie, loving and sharing with
you has enriched my life is so many ways. I love that our journey together
never ends. What you, Allison, Lily and I have shared is something that will
connect us forever, for that I am deeply grateful!<o:p></o:p></span></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-78570323233268370082012-06-01T13:56:00.002-07:002012-06-01T13:56:46.031-07:00Leaf Twenty-one: Finding my baby black swan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6eoCnpViknSILLxrX3RI0w75EuCoJJNz3nQBgOsQoR3UN1DpEnioDzfCPheXzmRKSzjhFcPaRbSmU5t-NHyBfTetaLXHVIYzUBCHSkHhuRiaRPfThhSUwnyWGYAO69VqYAAXUlF_2Cng/s1600/leaf21.1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6eoCnpViknSILLxrX3RI0w75EuCoJJNz3nQBgOsQoR3UN1DpEnioDzfCPheXzmRKSzjhFcPaRbSmU5t-NHyBfTetaLXHVIYzUBCHSkHhuRiaRPfThhSUwnyWGYAO69VqYAAXUlF_2Cng/s320/leaf21.1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This week’s
leaf is inspired from a number of things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">First, I
will start with the words of wisdom I received from my good friend and colleague,
Alex. Last Thursday him, my other great friend Michael, and I met up for drinks.
We were chatting like we always do and Alex mentioned to me something about
being a white swan and that I needed to embrace my black swan. That night I
really did not think much about what had meant. Last night, I met up with them
both again for drinks, and we got talking, and this time Alex’s word made me
think twice. He said, “Ashley you are a bird ready to fly, but your foot is
chained to the ground”. I asked him what he meant by that. He went back to the
black swan analogy from the previous week. He told me that I wanted to be the
black swan, but couldn’t let go of the white swan. I took what he said in. I
felt the black swan, work so hard to keep her in check out a fear that I will
lose control. The problem is, when I never embrace her, she finds a way to get
out of control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Alex put it
nicely, “The goal is to appear out of control to everyone else, but inside, you
have complete control”. I am at a point where I have all the tools, all the
knowledge of what I want; I just need to take the leap, have faith and let go. So this
week’s leaf is just that, letting go and finding my baby black swan. Here she comes!!!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Alex and
Michael have been a part of this journey from the beginning. They are amazing
listeners and have helped me to own the most important aspects of my story.
Working with them this past year has been an incredible, rewarding experience,
and I am so thankful for their friendship. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoeyOoMVdi1KMAe2IIt6gaM1SOLIFH-qEW7S0O5GWkCKfm4cwWvDldfkPzk_6ufvZPCV-B8qwBlnUYDIX7Oy-7Cqzc6jS1h1Etg8NZCjq0Rvqfij1HFycPX_wC2MjU4LfLj-Q62cME19U/s1600/Leaf21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoeyOoMVdi1KMAe2IIt6gaM1SOLIFH-qEW7S0O5GWkCKfm4cwWvDldfkPzk_6ufvZPCV-B8qwBlnUYDIX7Oy-7Cqzc6jS1h1Etg8NZCjq0Rvqfij1HFycPX_wC2MjU4LfLj-Q62cME19U/s320/Leaf21.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My week was
also inspired by a new song (of course!) I heard this on the radio for the
first time yesterday on my way to work. I immediately fell in love. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s called “Glass”, by Thompson Square and
here is one of my favorite lines from the song:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“I'll let
you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,<br />
And in the darkness of this moment,<br />
You see the good and bad.<br />
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,<br />
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It inspired me because I think it speaks to who we are: humans, capable of
shining and breaking, but mostly capable of loving. These past six months have
helped me be more like glass. Before fifty-two leaves, I was never okay with
being glass. Being fragile meant there was something wrong with me. I needed to
be strong and unbreakable. I am learning to love myself and others on a deeper
level. I am taking the good with the bad and I am believing that imperfections
are beautiful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">There have been so many individuals who have helped me reach this place,
especially my colleagues at Harmonium. They have allowed me to share parts of
who I am on a spiritual level. They have taught me how to be brave and
vulnerable. It is remarkable to me the capacity of connecting with others can have.
How it facilitates an environment of change and helps heal the deepest of
wounds. This weekend I am celebrating a glorious year with the amazing people I
have encountered. It will no doubt be a time filled with immense joy. Thank you
all for your inspiration, love and support. </span><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5284540687819801435.post-46322009611359369342012-05-25T10:57:00.000-07:002012-05-25T10:57:21.034-07:00Leaf Twenty: Meaningful Work<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC0M9dbG1GLvrrJazRSFXqnrZML7vNgfObM8MhnbeVDStG1i3hy6u2rQv5kI9rk3X1uMuwiURDIsbFe2urz8GCy8PC0gHPYddo2lI5EbQvdySxpvaM1Qd1mfuBaFTz1qeoZTvuNJa4PBI/s1600/20.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC0M9dbG1GLvrrJazRSFXqnrZML7vNgfObM8MhnbeVDStG1i3hy6u2rQv5kI9rk3X1uMuwiURDIsbFe2urz8GCy8PC0gHPYddo2lI5EbQvdySxpvaM1Qd1mfuBaFTz1qeoZTvuNJa4PBI/s320/20.png" width="167" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This week I am filled with immense
amounts of gratitude and love. There are so many people that have helped me
reach for the stars and persevere to accomplishing my dreams. Leaf twenty marks
my graduation for my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, and while I have
clinical hours to complete over the summer, I am so proud to be celebrating
this weekend with many loved ones and individuals who helped me achieve the
meaningful work I have taken on over the years. It has been an incredible,
life-changing journey, and I am absolutely thrilled to start the next chapter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">A few years ago during my undergraduate
studies, I wanted to give up. Moving from small town Utah to the big city of
Angels was becoming too much, too difficult, and unsafe. Looking back, I was
afraid of exploring the depths of who I was becoming. I wanted to run home, get
married, and not have to figure out what I really wanted out of life. What I
have learned is that discovering who you are requires, effort, it requires meaningful
work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">When I had this “breakdown” in
college, my family was not falling for it. One thing I am especially blessed
with is a support system who truly has my best interest at heart, even though
they know I won’t like what they have to say at times. My parents were
especially upset with my willingness to give up and come home, but like most
kids do, I wasn’t listening to what they had to say. My Aunt Delise on the
other hand caught my attention. She gave me some words of wisdom that I will
never forget and that have stuck with me throughout this journey. She said:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">“The
greatest sin you could ever commit would be to not live up to your potential,
to not fully embrace the gifts that God has given you”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">At the time, I was upset and angry at
her. I did not want her to be right, because that meant I had to do the work
and the easy way out wasn’t an option. I learned that day that the people who
love us have the ability to hold us accountable on the deepest level. And let
me tell you, choosing to do the work has been the greatest story of my life. I
am proud to say today that I am living up to my potential. I am truly embracing
the gifts I have been given and cultivating meaning in my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My successes thus far have been inspired
by so many family and friends,, but none greater than my parents. They have
always believed in me, encouraged me, and supported me through it all. I
believe wholeheartedly that our parents are the instigators in our growth. My
parents stimulated my growth to the highest level. They have paved the way for
me and I feel incredibly blessed to be following in their footsteps. There will
never be enough words for the amount of gratitude and love I have for them. Mom
and dad, you are my rock and I am stronger because of your love. Thank you for
teaching me how to value and truly love life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Graduation was also made possibly
because of the love, support and guidance of my Grandma Tini. This woman holds
my heart and soul and I am at a loss of words to express how thankful I am for
her in my life. She has an unconditional acceptance of who I am and I never
doubt her belief in me. I hope she knows how much I value the support and love
she has provided in my life. There is something to be said about having a role
model who provides constant, unconditional love and guidance for whatever I am
doing. Big or small, no matter what, my grandma will always be there. I love
you Gram, thank you for giving me the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I am also here today because of the generosity,
kindness, support, and unconditional love from my Uncle Blake and Aunt Delise.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for them and the incredible gift they have
given me in my life. It is an honor to be able to stand here and to share this
amazing chapter of my journey with them. The faith they placed in me to succeed
and embrace this beautiful gift has given me a strength that will be a part of
my life forever. You both have inspired me throughout the years and I cannot
even begin to describe the amount of respect and love I have for you. Thank you
for giving with your whole hearts and loving me, I love you both deeply.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My brothers probably don’t know this,
but they have been an important, inspiring part of my life. They are one of the
many reasons I have been able to chase my dreams. I have always wanted to set
an example for them, be there rock, and never let them down. The truth is, they
are my example and my rock. Heath and Kaden – I look up to you both in so many
ways and feel so blessed to be your sister. You love me for me and have always
been there to pick me up and make me laugh. Most importantly, you have taught
me how to love life and who I am. I cannot imagine this world without either of
you. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and sharing this journey with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This weekend I have so many amazing
people to share this moment with. I am overwhelmed with joy and appreciation
for the amount of love and support I feel. I am here today because of the
incredible people I have in my life and their unconditional love and support
for me. Thank you for not only sharing this special day with me, but this beautiful,
beautiful thing we call life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08367299480071396339noreply@blogger.com0