Leaf Thirty-five: My Church

“We are not human beings in search of spirituality. We are spiritual beings immersed in human experience” –Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

Throughout this process of wholehearted growth, I have discovered a yearning within myself for spiritual connection—a connection to the world around me and a belief that there is a higher power amidst this wondrous universe. Last Sunday I took time to enjoy a beach run along the coast, watching the sunset, and enjoying the sensations of the water and sand. As I thought about what I was grateful for my mind wandered to a variety of things, one being church and religion. Since deciding to not be Mormon a couple years ago, organized religion is not something I have wanted to pursue again, yet I know how important it is for my soul to pray and to connect to something greater than myself. I thought about where I felt peace, freedom, and connection and I continusously came to the outdoors. Whether I’m in my mountains or running in the sand, when I am embracing nature, my body calms. With that thought, I decided to throw out the possibility of having Sunday beach runs be my “church”, a ritual that I could engage in weekly to pray, to reflect, and to express my gratitude.

 

A couple things took place over the past week after I contemplated making the beach my church. As I walked back to my car after the run, there was a flyer on my window advertising an organized church in the area. I laughed at the timing of it all. The next day, I decided to do another evening beach run to further explore my thoughts and feelings about creating a new ritual for myself. It was during that run that I realized the power of a sunset. As I ran along the coast, watching the sunset, I stopped to truly enjoy and take in the image. When I looked around, I was incredibly moved by everyone else around me. Although I knew no one on the beach that day, we were are intricately connected to this glorious sunset. Everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to embrace the moment that was happening. I felt the spiritual power of nature and any doubts I had about creating my own church ritual went away. In that moment, I decided on my new leaf of the week.

 

Part of my leaf this week was also about moving forward. Although I have not practiced Mormonism for almost three years, I am still technically a member of the church. In order to no longer be kept on Mormon records, one has to submit a letter requesting to be removed from church membership. This was something I had heard about, but never taken the time to look into. As I continue to discover my own belief system and develop my spiritual foundation, I have a yearning to be truly free. This week, I wrote and sent my letter to the Mormon Church requesting to no longer be a member. It was a step that was both relieving and empowering as I took the initiative to create what I truly want for myself. Although I will wait for a confirmation from church headquarters, I am closing a door to an identity that I have never felt connected to and that is an incredibly freeing experience.

 

“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life” –Jean Shinoda Bolen

 

I love quotes. It is easy for me to find words that speak to me in the moment. Words capture me in ways that move me on many different levels. I think this is why I writing, reading, listening to music, and receiving kind thoughts from someone else have such an impact on my life. The spoken, sang, or written word is definitely my strongest language of love. As I write this leaf, I feel full. I feel free and at peace. I know it is because I have taken time to care for myself. Caring and loving me has become my greatest form of survival. The work I put into get to this place was worth every moment. While the bad days are still there…I recover quickly, feeling stronger and more at peace than ever before. This is what it feels like to really believe in yourself, even with all the anxieties, nerves, and fears, the hope and faith that I have for the future burns deep.

 

 

Leaf Thirty-two, Thirty-three & Thirty-four: Wavehouse Ravehouse; Closing a BIG Chapter; & Ms. Sartini

There has been a bit of a delay on the last three leaves. I have been writing…in random note books, on napkins, basically anything I have free at the moment when my thoughts are in order. Somehow it still took me three weeks to finally find an evening to sit down at my computer and put everything together. It only seems fitting that the time comes at the end of my first day of my first real-life-grown-up job. But before I get to that, here’s what’s been going on.

 

Leaf Thirty-two: Wavehouse Ravehouse

 

Since meeting Dallas, the level of fun in my life has been at an all time high. As I have said before, there is something to be said about spending time with someone who truly engages in every moment. Dallas always seems to be having a good time, whether it’s with his friends, with school, at work, with me…honestly, I have only ever seen him enjoying himself. It is refreshing and has woken up a part of me that in the past I have always felt compelled to leave sleeping as too much fun could break up my “perfect routine”. This past summer, I feel like Dallas has helped me do exactly what I set out to do eight months ago when I started the blog. The goal of fifty-two leaves was for me to get outside of what I normally do and to enjoy every moment of it. Spending time with Dallas has allowed me to hold on to my inner freedom in a balanced, yet exciting way. My openness and love for life has defintiely increased.

 

A couple weeks ago, I indulged in a Sunday Funday with Dallas and his friends at wavehouse. Dallas labeled his facebook album “Wavehouse Ravehouse”, I thought it was catchy and would make a good leaf title. Anyways…we spent the Sunday letting loose and dancing the day/night away. A couple years ago, I never thought I would be one for the house music scene, but since my move to San Diego, I have enjoyed some of my favorite nights out dancing to the techno beats. It feels in some way like everyone becomes a part of the music, which stimulates a very enticing environment. Being with Dallas and taking in the day was especially freeing, reminding me of why I started my wholehearted journey – to let go of what I “typically” do and embrace the times to be different.

 

Leaf Thirty-three: Closing a BIG Chapter

 

My heart is heavy and full as I write this leaf, as it marks the completion of my year as an intern and the end of my graduate program. I said good-bye to a group of people last Thursday who changed my life, inspired me, and aided in the growth of a lifetime. It has been a whirlwind of a year, one that I am leaving a different person, stronger, calmer, happier, and ready to take on the world. I feel that every inch of who I am, deep into my soul, was shaped by my colleagues and supervisors at Harmonium. Each one of them touched my heart, leaving me with a new hope for the future. How incredible it is to be a part of something so rare, genuine, and powerful.  During my time at Harmonium, I was given one of the most incredible gifts mankind has to offer…the opportunity to be with people who woke up my spirit and gave me a greater purpose to live for. You all taught me how to walk among the great ones because you let me walk with you.

 

Without the experiences that took place over the course of my two years of graduate school, fifty-two leaves would have never happened. I know without a doubt, I would be stuck in the midst of my need for perfection, longing for what it meant to live wholeheartedly. As I reflect on this past year, I know in my heart that I found my calling in life. I found a way to develop and integrate both my personal and professional identity to establish my future. The road was not easy, nor is it far from over, but I have been able to build the foundation for where my journey will take me. For as long as I can remember I knew I wanted to be able to help others…I wanted to know their story, to understand them, and to let them know it was going to be okay. What I did not realize, is that I first needed to do the same for myself.

 

As I have come to be able to give myself love, compassion, and support, my value on life has changed dramatically. No matter what the day brings, the feeling of it “being okay” never waivers. For that, I am deeply thankful for graduate school, for the people who aided along the way, and for myself, for having the courage to dig into the deepest, scariest parts of who I am to become a better person. It is a lifelong journey and one that I look forward to living every day. So while I’m closing an extremely BIG and invaluable chapter in my life, I am starting the next one truly living…which is the greatest feeling in the world.

 

Leaf Thirty-four: Ms. Sartini

 

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” –Gail Sheehy

 

Leaf Thirty-four marks my first official day as the Community Counselor at Chaparral High School and what a big day it was. I am filled with incredible amounts of joy, gratitude, and excitement for the year I have ahead. While my nerves will out full force this morning, I am ending the day, feeling calm and ready for tomorrow.

 

Today started off with a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on my car from Dallas, with a little note saying “Relax! You’re going to do great”. The thoughtfulness of the gesture meant so much to me. In that moment, I felt myself calm a bit, more ready to take on what was next. Knowing he was thinking of me made everything else easier and less scary. Thank you Dallas, for knowing exactly what I needed.

 

My leaf is titled “Ms. Sartini” as it represents my role as a teacher, something I have NEVER been before. It was weird starting school for the first time in 20 years not as a student. While I do not hold a typical teaching role, my position allows me to teach a class called “Reconnecting Youth”. I work with a group of students for the first semester to establish a peer support system that helps foster their growth and identity. I handed out a syllabus and everything...like a said, weird, but super cool haha.

 

Mostly, I am still wrapping my head around everything. It was crazy to come home from work and have the evening to do whatever I wanted…Bar Method, dinner, t.v., blogging, listening to music…there is a lot that can get done when I do not have to run to babysitting or write a homework. Nonetheless, I have no doubt that I endured all the crazy 12hour days so I could enjoy the transition to my next stage of growth.

 

There are much more experiences to come, I’m sure. But here’s to a new change, being a teacher, and embracing what lies ahead.

Leaf Thirty-one: Defining Our Decade

Lately, I have been slacking on my blog writing. Fifty-two leaves and wholehearted living have been constantly on my mind, but I have not given myself the time to sit down and write. Writing for me, like exercise, is one my greatest releases. I love being able to put my passion about what is going on into words. As I reflect on the past couple weeks, I realize how much I have missed taking the time each week to write about the way I have lived wholeheartedly. Writing about my leaves has become a part of my wellbeing. It holds me accountable for my goals, inspires me, and fuels my heart for the next week. Tonight, after a long day at work, I knew I needed to devote time entirely to me. I couldn’t think of anything better than to share another amazing leaf.

 

A few weeks ago, I started a book called “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of them Now”, by Meg Jay. While I have one section left to finish in the book, it of course, like most of the reading I do, has inspired me. The author is a clinical psychologist who speaks from her experiences working with twenty-somethings as well as thirty-somethings, forty-somethings, etc. She captures the essence of profound decade of our lives, our twenties.  The message is about what it means to thrive during our twenties so we do not have to play catch up in our thirties and forties. As I conclude my final year of graduate school, the book has helped me gain a stronger perspective on where I am right now. I am not reading and feeling discouraged about my twenties. More like identifying progress, recognizing areas for potential growth, and embracing new information. One of my favorite things about the book so far is that the author has motivated me to think about the aspects of my future that have not necessarily been a part of my education. No one tells us what life is going to be like after college, no one talks about the transition from being a student to working 9-5, no one tells us how to find a partner to spend the rest of our life with. It’s overwhelming. After I started the book, I recommended it to all my girlfriends because the information is incredibly rich to our decade. It talks about the things that no one else does.

 

As I think about defining my decade, I cannot help but reflect on the people who I began the journey of my twenties with. Over the past weekend, my two roommates from college, Mags and Melo, came to San Diego for a reunion get together. Our fourth partner in crime, Lex, was greatly missed. She could not make it for the weekend, but I know we all kept her spirit in our heart. Since we graduated in 2010, we have not been able to plan something where we were all in the same place, so this weekend was incredibly special and one I will cherish for the rest of my life. What these women mean to me is often beyond words. We spent four pivotal years learning and growing together during some of the most precious moments we will experience in our lifetime. There will never be anything comparable to my college experience, where these women set the foundation for my wholehearted life and shaped me into the person I am today.

 

It was powerful to see how Mags and Melo have defined their twenties over the past couple years. They shared stories over the weekend that spoke so much truth to what it means to figure out who we are. I felt proud of them, thankful for their courage and inspiration. I felt blessed to be able to meet them in the moment, to share my growth and to feel their support and love. I have difficulty putting into words the power of our weekend together. We knew each other on the some of the deepest levels in college. To see the way we the four of has have evolved and grown, while maintaining that same spirit from college is amazing. I feel blessed for each of their friendships, for the gifts they have given me about what it means to live and love with our whole hearts.

 

This weekend we relit the fire that connects us all. The one of a kind friendship that has persevered through the ups and downs of the past six years. I think that’s how you know something is real, when no matter how long you are apart, the moment you reconnect it is as if nothing has ever changed. As I move forward in my life, as I define this decade, I know it will be supported by incredible women. Thank you to Mags, Melo, and Lex for bringing so much beauty into my life, I love you all so much.

Leaf Thirty: Bar Method

A couple of weeks ago, I took advantage of trying something new for my leaf of the week. Several months back my girlfriend Cookie told me about this new exercise phenomenon called “Bar Method”. She raved about how much she enjoyed the class and the incredible fitness results. I kept saying I would eventually try it, but like a lot of things, it got pushed to the back of my busy schedule. It seemed only fitting that as I transition into the next phase of my life that I add something to ease with the nerves. Exercise is my biggest stress reliever…I am always trying new things and love to push myself to the next limit. After my first at the new job today, the beauty of this new leaf was extremely apparent. I was exhausted when I got there at 5:30pm, but felt rejuvenated afterwards. That despite a hectic day, everything was going to be okay. I love that feeling.

The bar method offers a $10 for 10 days challenge thingy...I made it 9/10 days and let’s just say I’m hooked. It’s difficult to explain what the class exactly entails, as I am still trying to wrap my head around how small, focused movements and breathing can be quite the cardiovascular workout. The class lasts an hour, with an instructor that is incredibly helpful. It consists of a variety of different movements, some with weights, some on a ballet bar, some on a mat…lots of “tucking your seat” moments. I love the environment and mental focus. When class is over, I always feel refreshed and ready to take on the whatever is next. The results are quite incredible too. Never before have I felt my strength increase so quickly. I literally feel longer and leaner. I highly recommend taking the 10 day challenge if there is a studio near you. It is fun, energizing, and offers a mixed level class that seems to fit most everyone. Bar method has been one of my favorite leaves of the year and I look forward to adding it to my schedule daily!! 

Below is the link for anyone who is interested in learning more about it:

http://www.barmethod.com/

Leaf Twenty-nine: Beautiful Connections

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”

 –Dr. Brené Brown

Throughout the last few years as well as a couple past relationships, I have begun to define the qualities I look for in significant other, and one thing I have continually kept close to my heart is the desire that I have to be with someone who makes me want to be a better person. I believe that unconditional love is possible as we find another person who brings out our best self and also allows us to return that same favor. What I am searching for is someone who provokes a yearning within me for continued growth both individually and together. Dallas has without a doubt lit something unfamiliar, yet incredibly enticing within me. Never before have I felt more compelled or more driven to search for something bigger than myself. He has a depth to him that is extremely rare, with an inviting soul and a kinder heart than anyone I have ever met before. The more I get to know him, the more goodness I discover. This summer, while completely unexpected, has made me feel more alive than I could have ever imagined. My growing feelings for Dallas, along with many exciting memories so far and of course more to come, inspired my leaf this week on beautiful connections and what it means to truly share moments with great people.

This past weekend, I traveled to Dallas’s hometown in the Fresno area to spend time with his family. I met his mom and sister a few weeks ago, so I was especially looking forward to getting to know them more. Since Dallas has truly captivated me in many profound ways these past couple of months, it has been a pleasure to see where he came from. I very much enjoy his mom, Anna, and sister, Lyric. They opened their arms to me and from the moment I met them, I felt the love they all had for each other. Like I said a couple weeks ago, I am thankful to have been able to feel that kind of love and was ever so blessed to get to experience it again over the weekend. I also got to meet Dallas’s grandma, two aunts, uncle, and several younger cousins, each leaving such a special imprint on my heart. Time was spent enjoying one another’s company, going to a water-park, wrestling with the little boys, and judging the fish taco cooking throw-down between Dallas and his Uncle.

Since I began my personal journey to a wholehearted life, I have been blessed to encounter and feel the presence of so many remarkable people around me. This weekend was no different as I felt incredibly comfortable and moved by the graciousness of Dallas’s family. Their love for one other powerfully reflects the endurance and strength that is created under that capacity. My leaf this week is about embracing others through opening myself to those around me. Yes, I was nervous to meet Dallas’s family, but the nerves are not triggering anxiety anymore, rather a yearning to understand and practice self-compassion. I valued authenticity over everything else and opened myself up to the beautiful connections of a wonderful family.

Leaf Twenty-eight: Perseverance

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind.  I am incredibly thankful and blessed and thrilled for the next chapter of my life to begin. Leaf twenty-eight is about working hard, being who you are, and owning your story. These three things helped me persevere through a challenging, trying year and essentially opened up an unexpected opportunity for my future.

A couple weeks ago I got a phone call from one of my supervisors for a clinic I work at in East County. She was calling to offer me a job interview for a position opening up at the high school next year. She stated the position had already officially been closed, but wanted to give me the opportunity to apply as she knew me and my work ethic over the course of the past year. I was surprised by the call and in the moment it was a lot to wrap my head around. I agreed to the interview and spent the following few days really considering what the job would mean for me at this time in my life.

As the reality of having a potential job before I finished school set it, I was overwhelmed with excitement and at the same time absolutely terrified of screwing things up. My anxiety levels shot through the roof as I prepared for the interview. I had the initial interview on Tuesday with my supervisor. She was warm and already knew a lot about me so it helped calm my nerves. With that being said, the questions were challenging and encouraged me to think about who I was as a therapist. Afterwards she told me there was a high chance I would qualify for the second interview on Thursday with the school principal, head guidance counselor and another woman who held a strong role in alternative education. She stated they would be making the final decision and that the individual I was competing against would be tough competition.

When she called to offer me the second interview, she stated that I needed to enter the interview with the goal to sell myself completely. As you can imagine, my nerves were over stimulated with excitement as well as fear of rejection. Knowing what my triggers are and the need to be perfect, I spent the following day preparing what I wanted to accomplish out this interview. Immediately, I knew that I had to make my first goal about staying real. Like I talked about a few weeks earlier, a huge trigger for shame for me is entering an environment with a need to be accepted versus owning my story and being my authentic self. I really began to think about what my strengths were in my field and how I was going to articulate them in an interview room. I have difficulty expressing pride for myself out of a fear that it makes me appear haughty or self-centered. For the interview, I knew that I needed to own my strengths and to be proud of the hard work I had committed to over the years.

At this moment I am incredibly thankful for the personal journey I devoted the past year too and the amount of time I put into self-discovery. It is one the reasons I am fortunate and blessed to have a job lined up as I complete my graduate program. There are so many that helped me persevere along this pathway and my gratitude to them is never ending. As I entered the interview having faith in myself and expressing my passion for what I do, I left knowing that whatever happened in the end, I had grown as a person. Despite being incredibly nervous, I never waivered from my goal of being myself and owning my strengths. Leaf twenty-eight marks an exciting, joyous beginning to a new era of my life.

“With ordinary talents and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable” –Sir Thomas Buxton

Leaf Twenty-seven: Simply Thankful

I have had a hard time putting leaf twenty-seven into words. Over the past week or so, it has been difficult for me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. The best way I can think to describe what I am experiencing is this: a sensation of comforting warmth.  I feel connected to the world around me in a deeper more spiritual way and I find myself noticing and appreciating the loveliest, most simple things that surround my life.

My leaf this week is about gratefulness. One of the things that Dr. Brené Brown talks about as being necessary to a wholehearted life is taking the time to incorporate gratitude practice daily. She states that those who live wholeheartedly, despite busy, hectic, stressful days, remember to save a moment to say, “I am grateful for…”. For Brené, this simple practice is how we keep gratitude alive within us.

Simply thankful was ignited during a conversation Dallas and I were having about higher power and what keeps us grounded in our lives. He shared that every night he says a prayer of gratitude for the place he is at in his life and the gifts he has been given. This moved me in a powerful way as Dallas was willing to share a deeper part of himself and to see the absolute thankfulness he maintains for his life. I think this is exactly what Brené would call gratitude practice. With that in mind, I began to think about the ways in which I cultivated gratitude in my life. I feel thankful daily, but how do I keep it alive?

My goal since Dallas and I’s conversation that night was to notice and take in the glorious world I encounter daily. Never before have I felt more appreciative of the simple, yet most captivating moments around me.

Running is my sanctuary. It calms me. It moves me. There is no other time when I feel more free. During my runs this week, with gratitude in mind, I took the opportunity to release what I needed to, but to also soak in the beautiful place around me. I discovered my own gratitude practice, what I am now calling, “thankful runs”, on the beach in Cardiff.  I am so deeply grateful for this place.

On Sunday along the coast, I watched a woman push her husband in a wheel chair so he could enjoy the glorious view also. I am thankful for that simple, pure, giving love.

 I am thankful for the little boy I saw fishing with a pole he created himself. His focus. His carefree nature. His drive to succeed.

I am thankful for the fresh breeze that comes off the water and the way the sand feels inbetween my toes.

I am thankful for the strength of my legs.  That they have the power to push through the stress, anxiety, and fears.

My “thankful runs” allowed me to notice the beauty around, but also gave me time for reflection.

I am grateful to be an MFT. For the opportunity to be in a field where I get to help people at the most precious times in their lives and that they trust me.

I am thankful for the laughter and joy that comes when with great friends. I had a night out with Lily and Al, we laughed and danced more than anything. There was so much joy. I am thankful for that joy and the feeling that overcomes you when you are surrounded with those you love and no one else in the room matters.

Over the weekend, I got to meet Dallas’s mom and sister. What a beautiful, loving family. I feel grateful to have met them. I feel thankful to be a witness of the unconditional love and warmth they have for one another. It was real, in the best kind of ways.

This week’s leaf is a bit scattered. I knew I wanted my new leaf to be about gratitude practice, but as the week went on, I did not really know how to put it all into words. What it came down to was this, I woke up each day enjoying and recognizing the simple, yet incredibly valuable things in my life. I took time to love the moments and to be appreciative of this one of a kind life I have. I am left feeling peaceful. It’s a breathing, loving, laughing, the world is brighter and more giving kind of feeling.

My “thankful runs” will forever be a ritual of mine. How are you simply thankful in your life?