Leaf Forty-four: Gratefulness

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, a creates a vision for tomorrow” –Melody Beattie

 

Given last week’s celebration of Thanksgiving, it is only fitting to dedicate this leaf to gratitude. The quote above speaks quite perfectly to the incredible power valuing and implementing daily gratitude practice has had on my life over the course of the past year. It is moving to see how simply being thankful for this beautiful world brings lasting clarity and peace to my soul. I have experienced joy in a way that opens up my heart to people, places, and things I could not see before. Each morning, I wake with a fondness for life, a love and passion for my family, my job, and my relationships. What a blessing it is to know such a deep hope and a strong sense of faith for what lies ahead.

 

Gratitude brings provides much comfort when the rest of the world around me seems to be spinning. The Thursday before Thanksgiving, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It was a mixture of concern for my dad combined with a long, meaningful week at work. I struggled to put words to what I was experiencing internally, it was not necessarily good or bad, it just was. The tears stirred during my drive home, after my workout, and when I walked in the door. I settled in on my bathroom floor and cried for awhile. There was something soothing to about letting the tears flow and releasing what had been building up. Afterwards, I felt very grateful to be able to feel things so deeply. To be able to encounter such raw emotion without pushing it away is an incredible sensation. I am thankful for my ability to connect to that part of my soul, to understand it, and to look at those feelings without judgment or criticism.

 

I am thankful to have met someone who I am able to give the kind of love that all people deserve. Dallas has been an inspiring person in my life and given me an opportunity to experience something incredible. To be a part of such a genuine, respectful, passionate, real, and patient relationship will forever be one of the greatest blessings I will ever know. I am thankful to be balanced and whole within myself that I am able to encounter such a love. Each day I am especially grateful for knowing Dallas. Gratitude for him has allowed me to stop worrying about what the future holds and instead, engage fully in the moment of being with one another. At the end of the day, sharing those moments with him are what I am thankful for. My hope is that so many others have the opportunity to know that kind of invaluable love.

 

Life has felt crazy with my dad. His inability to recover has been so up and down since the surgery it has been difficult to relax. Some days I fear the worst, others I am angry with the doctors. I think underneath it all, I feel helpless and unsure of how to handle everything.  It has made me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, especially grasping onto those things that are truly important, like my family. I am grateful to have been able to see them the past couple of weeks. The trip home with Dallas and then again last week for Thanksgiving were much needed. I am thankful to be able to be there for my dad; to tell him that I love him and to hug him. It was nice to be there at Thanksgiving because he seemed like his normal self around all our family. He was laughing, teasing, and playing basketball with us like he was feeling 100%. I am thankful for his example and strength. He has laid the foundation for my independence as well as my ability to advocate for who I am. The gratitude I have for his unconditional love and constant support is much more than I can put into words.

 

I am also very grateful for my mom and the relationship we have with one another. She has been so strong throughout the process with my dad. I admire her hope and courage and constant faith. I am thankful to be able to watch her and my dad grow closer during this experience. It is amazing to witness the commitment and love they have for one another. My mom has always been my biggest advocate as well as a consistent form of unwavering support. Her love makes me one of the luckiest girls in the world. I am blessed to have had a woman like her watch over and guide me through my life.

 

Practicing gratitude has allowed me to encounter joy and peace daily. It makes me a stronger, more connected individual and gives me hope for a beautiful life ahead.

Leaf Forty-three: Meeting the Family

A couple weekends ago, Dallas ventured home with me to Cedar City to meet my family for the first time. This was a big step for me because my close-knit family is a bit hesitant in letting significant others in..let's just say my brother's and I's past relationships have not always had the best reputation with my family..haha. I think my mom said it perfectly a while back though, she told me that she wouldn't be ready to let someone in, until she got the sense that they were the right person for us.  Over the past five months, I have gotten to know someone who is absolutely incredible in many ways. Dallas continues to hold my heart with his outgoing spirit and genuine care for me. From early on, I got the sense that he would be able to handle and get along with my family better than anyone I had ever dated before. Though the nerves were there, the excitement to introduce my parents to the man that had captured my heart helped bring me to ease.

More than anything I was anxious to get home to see my dad. He had surgery a few weeks ago and the recovery process was taking longer than anticipated. For all of my life, my dad has always been my rock. I have never seen him anything but strong. Being so far away from home, feeling helpless and knowing he was not doing so well was really starting to get to me. I couldn't imagine my dad stuck in a hospital bed, and for those of you who know him, we all know he wasn't making the greatest patient. I was also somewhat scared to see him down and weak. Knowing my emotional self, I did not know if I would be able to keep it together, but feared my dad seeing me cry.

The day we left, I was so incredibly thankful to have Dallas by my side. His willingness to travel with me to Utah to be with my family meant so much. Since my dad had been put back into the hospital our trip home was a bit chaotic. My grandparents had to pick us up at the airport, then we met my mom, stopped at the hospital to see my dad, then finally made it to Cedar City. Dallas never once seemed to be uncomfortable. He went along with the crazy flow of things that , always squeezing my hand and kissing my forehead. Those simple gestures made everything okay throughout the trip.

Dallas fit in quite well with everyone. I could tell my mom was falling for his easy-going presence and kind heart. There is something about this guy that makes everything more fun, warmer, and a great time. For me, I enjoyed so much bringing him home...I knew this was different than in past relationships because I felt 100% at ease despite early nerves. Dallas is truly someone special. Someone I am so incredibly thankful to have in my life. He loves me in a way that I have never been loved before. We have developed a mutual respect for one another that seems to bring us closer each day.

 

 

 

 

Leaf Forty-two: A Worthy Fight

My leaf this week is inspired by my younger brother Kaden and his incredible courage to speak up for what he believes in. As I read the words of an essay he wrote for his 12^th grade English class, I was moved by what he was willing to put onto paper knowing that it might not be well received by his classmates and teachers. While I think the predominately Mormon community we were raised in likes to believe they are open-minded to others who are “different”, the reality is, it is extremely challenging to not meet the normal criteria of what makes up a family. As children, my brothers and I did not really think about religion and our identity. I think it became apparent to all three of us when we entered adolescence that being Mormon meant something.

 

Unlike Kaden, my senior year of high school mostly consisted of wearing the “mask” that allowed me to be like all my peers. While deep down I knew Mormonism was not a lifestyle I identified with, I was too insecure to speak up. It is incredible to see the confidence Kaden has and the belief he maintains for his identity. I am so proud that he was able to put into words what brings him peace. The essay he wrote was based on the premise of being in a cave and unable to get out. Kaden identified the Mormon Church as the cave that prevented him from getting in touch with his real self.

 

The most compelling part of my brother’s essay was his compassion and openness to the world around him. He writes:

 

“Religion has nothing to do with how a person acts on the inside, and putting a label on them makes us avoid meeting or even giving them an opportunity to prove themselves. Nobody should be over looked, including Mormons. The world should just treat each other as contemporaries because we’re all human and nobody can change that”.

 

Here I think he speaks to the very essence of why we are placed on this earth, to connect and engage in the human experience because that is what spirituality truly is—engaging together. Like my brother believes, I believe that connection can be possible through many different outlets, religions,…basically whatever brings a person a sense of fulfillment and peace. When someone advocates that their religion or belief system is better than another’s they are no longer valuing the human condition. As my brother explains, we all are worthy, regardless of where we come from or what we believe. We all have the capacity to be genuine, spiritual beings because we are human.

 

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Pierr Teilhard de Chardin (I used this quote a few weeks ago when I talked about My Church, couldn't help but put it on here again)

 

Leaf Forty-two is about a worthy fight for what I believe. As I learned growing up in the Mormon Church, we are supposed to discover the “truth” for ourselves. Yet, like my brother spoke about in his essay, the “truth”, was driven into our brains from a young age, so we did not have much of a choice. When I left my community seven years ago, I devoted much of my journey to personal growth and spiritual discovery. I wanted to find the peace that I knew was out there for me. It was not a peace that came from a religion that dictated what I wore, drank, who I married, etc. It from the relationships I had with others who believed differently than me. From the beauty I saw in the world around me. From the experiences of the LGBTQ community that I encountered. When I let go of the Mormon religion, I connected to humanity, I discovered my God.

 

The higher power I believe in does not reside in the boundaries, books, and rules of the Mormon Church. I have much respect for those individuals part of the religion and the peace it brings them. But I believe that it is okay to believe different. I searched, l prayed, and I discovered a different truth. For me, spirituality is consistently a part of my life. I see it in my work, my relationships, and the beauty of the world around me. I may not go to a specific church every Sunday, but I practice gratitude and love daily. I know that being a good person and living a genuine life requires conscious effort. The moment I chose my path, I felt more prepared for the challenges than anything that had been dictated for me.

 

Although I stopped practicing Mormonism several years ago, my membership was still documented on church records. I never gave it a second thought until I started my journey to a wholehearted life. I value holding myself accountable and having the courage to speak up. There was something about belonging to belief system that I did not agree with that went against my premise of living wholeheartedly. A couple months ago I requested that my name be removed from membership records. I sought out information from others who had engaged in the same process and composed a letter. A week letter, I received a letter back from the church stating that my request could only be granted by meeting with a church official. I sent another letter advocating for my rights and that I wanted my name removed. A couple of weeks later I received an email from a Mormon Bishop in my area requesting I contact him. I felt annoyed and frustrated that my request was not respected, but wanting the process to be finished, I emailed the Bishop back.

 

Long story short, the emails between the Bishop and I went back and forth for a couple weeks. Each time I requested for my name to be removed, supported with points, and was very respectful. Each response back in some way seemed to be a manipulative attempt to get me to reconsider. In one particular email he had the audacity to use my profession as a means to address my decision to leave the church. Needless to say, I was absolutely livid to his comments. Rather than considering my humanity, I was judged based on my decision to leave the church. These emails provided further confirmation for my reasoning for not wanting to be a part of the church. I refuse to believe in something that cannot be accepting of another’s value system. In the end, I continued to demonstrate respect and advocate for my rights and eventually my request was granted.

 

I had a couple friends ask me if this was really worth the all the effort and time. What did it matter if my name was on membership records or not, it wasn’t like I was practicing Mormonism? Initially, these were my thoughts too, and I remember thinking that the process was taking too much time and energy. But then I remembered what I had been working on for the past eleven months and not taking action would be going against my foundation of fifty-two leaves. This was a worthy fight. Too often we give up on the things that require work. It was uncomfortable emailing back and forth with someone who believed I was making a fatal mistake. I became angry when he judged my character. But I embraced my courage, held strongly to my worthy heart, and stood up for what I believed.

Leaf Thirty-nine, Forty, and Forty-one: Searching for the moments, Fighting On, and What really matters…

So life has been incredibly busy over the last month, but nonetheless, fifty-two leaves has been on my mind. Although I never had time to sit down and write my individual leaves, I made sure to devote each of the passing weeks to something directed towards my wholehearted life. Here is a rundown of what has been going on…

 

Leaf Thirty-Nine: Searching for the moments

On the first Friday of October, my high school had a school wide BBQ to celebrate 98% attendance for the month of September. Students were excused for 5^th and 6^th period to join together for hot dogs, music, games and mostly fun. It was exciting to see the enthusiasm of the kids to be able to celebrate their hard work together. Throughout the party, I kept thinking “how cool is this” that everyone is gathering together, taking a second to value the moment rather than being stressed out over “what needs to get done”. It was without a doubt what I have come to label a “wholehearted moment”, where everyone engaged together in the simple treasures of life. At one point, some of the students had the opportunity to sing in front of their peers.  The courage of the students to share their talent with the rest of the school was especially moving. I watched as the entire crowd quieted to support and cheer on their peers who sang for them. I remember feeling completely enthralled in the moment, to see the entire school connect over one person’s voice was genuine and valuable.

 

After the BBQ, I made a goal to search out more moments like the one I experienced at my school. Sometimes all it takes is taking a second to look around and embrace the gifts of life that are constantly surrounding us. It is so easy to become caught up with work, responsibilities, and stress that they can develop into a “normal routine”. I felt myself falling in that direction. The inspiration from the students triggered one of the necessities of a whole hearted life…breaking out of the routines…one of the main things that initially instigated my desire to start this blog. While my routine keeps me organized and feeling capable, it also can be dangerous and exhausting at times. By devoting a leaf to searching out of the moments, I have been more inclined to break out of my routine in even small, simple ways. I have stopped to breath, read a chapter out of my favorite book, watch the sunset, and even taking an afternoon nap. The moments of life are all around us, we just have to be willing to stop and take a look.

 

Leaf Forty: Fighting On

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my first USC football game. Actually, it was my first ever competitive football game so naturally it had to be a new leaf. Dallas’s mom (Anna) went to USC and the tradition has been passed down to both Dallas and his sister (Lyric). They are very big USC fans and included me in festivities for the USC vs. Colorado game. It was a memorable, exciting experience and one that definitely falls under my previous leaf of searching out the moments. There was something about tailgating on USC’s campus, surrounded by fans, covered in red and gold that created quite the unforgettable environment. I think I am a sucker for any type of connection. I love watching people, who don’t even know one thing about one other, connect through something bigger than themselves. It was very fun to watch and be part of this sensation during the USC game. I loved seeing the crowd light up after a touchdown and the high fives from the stranger sitting behind me. I am so thankful to Anna for including me in such a fun family event. They have truly opened their arms to me and made me feel so comfortable. It is rare to find such people, who embrace you, get you, and want you to be in their lives, it has been such a great feeling. For it, I am deeply grateful and so happy and looking forward to the next time I get to fight on!

 

 

Leaf Forty-one: What really matters…

Like I said earlier, the past month has been very busy. From work, to family stuff, to traveling, to more family stuff, it seems that the chaos may never end. I have kept moving because of the faith I have in myself and the invaluable support system around me. As life gets busy and stressful, and especially since I started to work fulltime, I have began identify the things that are truly important in my life. This includes the people that are really important. One challenge I have taken upon myself during my journey to a wholehearted life is that of setting boundaries and holding other people accountable. Part of this, has been about letting go of not being able to be what everyone else needs. I do feel less close to some, but I also feel closer to what really matters, like my family, my boyfriend, and my friends that truly love me for me.

 

With the increased amount of things occurring, I have come to really realize that I do not have time for unnecessary drama. In the past I have become consumed with letting someone down or not being good enough. Lately, I felt that same pull happening, but the difference is that I am aware of my triggers and able to quickly catch myself from spiraling down to perfectionism.  I know I cannot be “perfect” for everyone and I combat it by figuring out who and what really matters…which has been incredibly freeing. Because the fact is, I know I’m enough. I know I am a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, therapist, co-worker, teacher, etc. When I let the judgments of someone else get to me, I lose the strength that I know I have.

 

We cannot please everyone. When we’re working fulltime, maintaining our own sanity, and keeping those that are important close, someone else my feel displeased or disappointed. They may choose to treat us poorly or cut us out completely. It hurts, but at the end of the day, it’s about deciphering what really matters, who really loves us, and believing we are enough right now.  One of the greatest things I have learned from Dr. Brené Brown and a wholehearted life is being able to say “I am worthy right now”. We all are. We all deserve it.

Leaf Thirty-eight: Journaling my little heart out

Tonight I pulled out an old journal. As I flipped through the pages, it was around this same time last year that I was writing my heart out to get through a challenging transition period. Currently, journaling has become my greatest release since beginning the toughest, most rewarding work of my life. Through words, I have been able to navigate through the pieces of my soul that have been touched, hurt, and tried on a deep and provocative level. My writing often externalizes many of the feelings that hit on the inner parts of my identity, alleviating the responsibility of having to contain everything all at once. During my perfectionism days, I used to worry about what I wrote down, even if privately in diaries or journals, I felt I needed to write in a careful way, in case someone read my words one day. As an adolescent, I also took to journaling, but I would often read through past entries and eventually tear things out, feeling shame for what I had wrote. A lot has changed over the past year. Now, journaling has become the opposite. Whatever I think or feel goes onto the paper. Because at that moment, whatever it is, good or bad, the experience is affecting me and it deserves to be captured. One thing I have learned about my writing is that when I complete it without judgment or criticism, I am left feeling relieved and free. My writing, like me, is imperfect, and often the imperfection is what makes it beautiful and inspiring.

 

I often help my clients build a repertoire of coping tools to rely on when they are dealing with difficult emotions or circumstances. Rather than numbing the uncomfortable sensations associated with particular experiences, I have become a firm believer in sitting amidst the turmoil. When we numb challenging feelings, we never actually learn how to navigate through them. So the next time we feel sadness, hurt, anger, shame, etc., the experience is often more powerful and tougher to get through. In the past, I worked hard to avoid emotional turmoil because it was always “too much” for me to take on. I hated that I felt deeply, cried easily, and was extremely sensitive to the world around me. Instead of dealing with the discomfort, I numbed by attempting to be perfect. What happened was that I could only mask the emotion for so long before I had a breakdown and was left feeling more down than before. One of the greatest things I have learned along my personal journey to a wholehearted life is that to be happy and healthy is to still have the stress, anxiety, and any other inner turmoil experienced in life. We become our greatest selves as we are able to sit within the storm and use personal strengths and resources to survive it.

 

 

“Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.”

-Muhammad Ali

 

As I thought about this quote and finding my will, I thought about what I did to hold myself  accountable and continue to stimulate my desire to accomplish my dreams. Work today was especially challenging as I faced a case with characteristics and behaviors I had yet to encounter in my clinical work. After the session I felt exhausted, helpless and self-critical. There are some circumstances, that no matter how much education or research you have done, there is nothing to fully prepare. I cried in my office for a few minutes allowing myself to feel what had happened. Then I sought out feedback from my supervisor, took a few deep breaths and got back to my responsibilities. Later I consulted with the school psychologist to debrief as well as obtain collaborative input on how to best handle the situation. After work, I left time to rest for a bit then went to my Bar Method class, and now I am taking the time to write about what happened. In each of those simple steps, I dealt with the challenging emotions I faced earlier on in the day. Rather than putting on my “perfectionism” mask to get through the experience, I owned my feelings and reached out for support, both from others and within myself. As I write this entry and reflect on the day, I feel stronger and more prepared for tomorrow. My “will” is tried daily and in order to keep it alive, I must nurture it. For me, it’s exercise, journaling, and connecting with others. I use my repertoire daily, it requires a lot of practice and self-awareness, but the benefits make everything worth it.

 

How do you nurture your spirit?

 

Leaf Thirty-six & Thirty-seven: Embracing Adversity and the Vulnerability Hangover

Leaf Thirty-six: Embracing Adversity

 

“To a brave man, good and back luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both” –St. Catherine of Siena

 

Four weeks into my work has been the most memorable new beginning of my lifetime. The youth I work with touch my soul in a way I did not know I was capable of feeling. They know more about the hardships of real life than anyone I have ever had the privilege to encounter. They know how to endure hell and keep their head above the surface. They are survivors. I look at their stories and only see strength and courage. When I hear their ability to overcome the adversity they are faced with daily, I feel hope for the rest of the world. It confirms for me the exquisite capacity of the human condition.

 

The adversity is especially challenging causing me to question my role at times. How did I come to deserve such an invaluable position? To be able to hold the space for my clients to explore depths of who they are, their struggles, and their resiliency is both humbling and terrifying. I am humbled by their words. Never before in my life have I facilitated an environment for such difficult experiences to be brought to the surface. I thought I knew pain, suffering, and hurt until I met the young women and men I work with everyday. For me they have painted the picture of what it means to really survive. My job is to help them be able to thrive.

 

Last week I felt a bit helpless with the work in the sense that I am unable to give the youth the love they are missing from their families. They have been dealt a hand that tries the strength of the human condition. I want nothing more than to be able to help them recognize the amazing power each one of them hold. Because of their experiences, they have much more to offer the world then the wealthiest, most educated, powerful people I have encountered in my life.

 

I liked the quote at the beginning of this blog as it symbolized what I feel is making the most out of adversity. It is about taking the good with the bad and finding a way to live up to the potential inherent within each one of us. As much as I would like the world to be black and white or to be able to separate things into what is in my control versus what is not, that isn’t reality. There is too much emotion to let it be that simple. Our world is in the gray. No matter how much we try to fight it, to put on a mask because that’s what society wants, we all still feel. To feel deeply, to understand the experiences of another, is how we truly connect with those around us.

 

On the days I feel helpless and unsure, I remember this, that my emotions, my ability to feel deeply, allow me to embrace the adversity that I face. It allows me to hold the adversity that my clients face. My gray area gives me the capacity to see the strength amidst the chaos. I want nothing more than the youth to know that they have touched my life in a remarkable way. Four weeks into the most challenging work of my life and I cannot wait for the next day. I cannot wait to hear the stories of the survivors.

 

Leaf Thirty-seven: Vulnerability Hangover

 

A couple of weeks ago I started the latest book from the author who inspired my journey nine months ago. Dr. Brené Brown’s work, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, couldn’t have fell into my lap at a more perfect moment. I am about a quarter of the way into the book and already captivated by the power of what she is getting at:

 

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection” (pp., 2).

 

Over the course of my personal journey, I have come to realize that to be fully alive is incredibly challenging. It requires dedication to engage in the work despite the discomfort that comes from exposing ourselves to others. Despite the discomfort I have endured the past nine months, despite the pain or hurt, despite the anxiety that comes with being what Brené deems “naked”, I am happier, healthier and stronger than ever before. As much as I would love to turn the self-awareness light off some days, for me there is no turning back. I have come to know and embrace parts of myself that before I kept hidden below the surface. My hope is that others can be touched by something deeper. That they have the opportunity to engage in the hard work that has the power to move us beyond measure.

 

Since I met Dallas about four months ago, my vulnerability has been especially tested. Before he came along, I was getting pretty great at “doing me”. I was being vulnerable, striving for wholeheartedness daily, and growing internally. The emotions I endured (both good and bad) were becoming easier to navigate through and I was gaining clarity on who I am. While Dallas has only enhanced this experience further, he has also brought a strong wave of emotion into the mix, which can often get me to feeling a little discombobulated.

 

As I am sure itnhas been evident in my writing, I am an extremely passionate, deep feeler kind of a person. For most of my life I viewed this ability to feel as a bad thing. I cried too easily. I was too sensitive. etc. etc. I kept telling myself that one day I would grow out of it. That I wouldn’t feel so deeply anymore. Well obviously that never changed and as I entered graduate school, started the personal work, I began to realize the gift I had been given. Because of my ability to feel deeply, I am able to connect with individuals even during the most difficult of circumstances. I am able to be fully present in my work.

 

So this is where the lines between work and my personal life get blurred a bit. Because truth be told, I cannot turn the “time to feel deeply” switch on and off. Very early on with Dallas, I knew something was different. Partly because I had reached a place in my life where I felt secure and confident and worthy and partly because he is well…just absolutely perfect. I found myself becoming mesmerized in the moments spent with him. His gratitude and genuineness about life touched my heart and I could feel what was building. I knew it would only be a matter of time when the words “I love you” would slip out of my mouth.

 

I said it once out loud to him a while back. I am not really sure what happened, but I just said it. After that, I experienced what I now am identifying as a “vulnerability hangover”. Brené describes this as the aftermath of an immensely vulnerable experience where we take the risk and put ourselves out there. Metaphorically speaking, we are naked; exposing a part of who we are that leaves us vulnerable to experiencing an assortment of different feelings. I am not going to lie, after I got in my car from leaving Dallas’s house that day, it felt like I had gotten hit by a bus. I did not expect anything after I said what I said to him, but nonetheless, it was hard to take in. I had put myself out there, exposed my heart, and felt the effects that come with taking the risk.

 

It took me about another month to develop the courage to speak from my heart again. So last week, I let it out and again, I would experience another vulnerability hangover. However, this time I was prepared. I was able to identify what was going on, what I needed, and how to ask for it. It came down to this, containing my passion and my real feelings, was a lot harder than owning them. I wanted to know that it was okay to my heart out. I did not need Dallas to know whether he loved me or not. What I needed was to know that he was all in too. That he was willing to dive into the vulnerability water head first. I realized that in order for my best self to be brought out, I needed to be with someone who could express when they feel scared, ashamed, happy, excited, etc. I want it all, the good, the bad, and everything in between. Because for me, I know both from what I have learned and what I have experienced, that to be vulnerable is sincerest way we are able to have the deepest, most loving connection with others.

 

Needless to say, my next conversation with Dallas was even more terrifying than saying “I love you” because communicating what we want from a relationship and not knowing if that person is ready to give you that is vulnerability at its core. Dallas is an incredible man and someone who has listened better and been more receptive to me than anyone else. This is why I cannot live without vulnerability. Even though I was scared to death about the potential outcome of what he wanted, I opened myself up for something deeper. I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I do know that what we have is special. Though vulnerability is challenging for him, I can tell that he feels something deeper also. So despite another vulnerability hangover, I feel more connected to Dallas than before. I know that he is there; ready to dive in, even if it is only the shallow end for now.

 

 

Leaf Thirty-five: My Church

“We are not human beings in search of spirituality. We are spiritual beings immersed in human experience” –Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

Throughout this process of wholehearted growth, I have discovered a yearning within myself for spiritual connection—a connection to the world around me and a belief that there is a higher power amidst this wondrous universe. Last Sunday I took time to enjoy a beach run along the coast, watching the sunset, and enjoying the sensations of the water and sand. As I thought about what I was grateful for my mind wandered to a variety of things, one being church and religion. Since deciding to not be Mormon a couple years ago, organized religion is not something I have wanted to pursue again, yet I know how important it is for my soul to pray and to connect to something greater than myself. I thought about where I felt peace, freedom, and connection and I continusously came to the outdoors. Whether I’m in my mountains or running in the sand, when I am embracing nature, my body calms. With that thought, I decided to throw out the possibility of having Sunday beach runs be my “church”, a ritual that I could engage in weekly to pray, to reflect, and to express my gratitude.

 

A couple things took place over the past week after I contemplated making the beach my church. As I walked back to my car after the run, there was a flyer on my window advertising an organized church in the area. I laughed at the timing of it all. The next day, I decided to do another evening beach run to further explore my thoughts and feelings about creating a new ritual for myself. It was during that run that I realized the power of a sunset. As I ran along the coast, watching the sunset, I stopped to truly enjoy and take in the image. When I looked around, I was incredibly moved by everyone else around me. Although I knew no one on the beach that day, we were are intricately connected to this glorious sunset. Everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to embrace the moment that was happening. I felt the spiritual power of nature and any doubts I had about creating my own church ritual went away. In that moment, I decided on my new leaf of the week.

 

Part of my leaf this week was also about moving forward. Although I have not practiced Mormonism for almost three years, I am still technically a member of the church. In order to no longer be kept on Mormon records, one has to submit a letter requesting to be removed from church membership. This was something I had heard about, but never taken the time to look into. As I continue to discover my own belief system and develop my spiritual foundation, I have a yearning to be truly free. This week, I wrote and sent my letter to the Mormon Church requesting to no longer be a member. It was a step that was both relieving and empowering as I took the initiative to create what I truly want for myself. Although I will wait for a confirmation from church headquarters, I am closing a door to an identity that I have never felt connected to and that is an incredibly freeing experience.

 

“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life” –Jean Shinoda Bolen

 

I love quotes. It is easy for me to find words that speak to me in the moment. Words capture me in ways that move me on many different levels. I think this is why I writing, reading, listening to music, and receiving kind thoughts from someone else have such an impact on my life. The spoken, sang, or written word is definitely my strongest language of love. As I write this leaf, I feel full. I feel free and at peace. I know it is because I have taken time to care for myself. Caring and loving me has become my greatest form of survival. The work I put into get to this place was worth every moment. While the bad days are still there…I recover quickly, feeling stronger and more at peace than ever before. This is what it feels like to really believe in yourself, even with all the anxieties, nerves, and fears, the hope and faith that I have for the future burns deep.