Leaf Thirty-five: My Church

“We are not human beings in search of spirituality. We are spiritual beings immersed in human experience” –Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

Throughout this process of wholehearted growth, I have discovered a yearning within myself for spiritual connection—a connection to the world around me and a belief that there is a higher power amidst this wondrous universe. Last Sunday I took time to enjoy a beach run along the coast, watching the sunset, and enjoying the sensations of the water and sand. As I thought about what I was grateful for my mind wandered to a variety of things, one being church and religion. Since deciding to not be Mormon a couple years ago, organized religion is not something I have wanted to pursue again, yet I know how important it is for my soul to pray and to connect to something greater than myself. I thought about where I felt peace, freedom, and connection and I continusously came to the outdoors. Whether I’m in my mountains or running in the sand, when I am embracing nature, my body calms. With that thought, I decided to throw out the possibility of having Sunday beach runs be my “church”, a ritual that I could engage in weekly to pray, to reflect, and to express my gratitude.

 

A couple things took place over the past week after I contemplated making the beach my church. As I walked back to my car after the run, there was a flyer on my window advertising an organized church in the area. I laughed at the timing of it all. The next day, I decided to do another evening beach run to further explore my thoughts and feelings about creating a new ritual for myself. It was during that run that I realized the power of a sunset. As I ran along the coast, watching the sunset, I stopped to truly enjoy and take in the image. When I looked around, I was incredibly moved by everyone else around me. Although I knew no one on the beach that day, we were are intricately connected to this glorious sunset. Everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to embrace the moment that was happening. I felt the spiritual power of nature and any doubts I had about creating my own church ritual went away. In that moment, I decided on my new leaf of the week.

 

Part of my leaf this week was also about moving forward. Although I have not practiced Mormonism for almost three years, I am still technically a member of the church. In order to no longer be kept on Mormon records, one has to submit a letter requesting to be removed from church membership. This was something I had heard about, but never taken the time to look into. As I continue to discover my own belief system and develop my spiritual foundation, I have a yearning to be truly free. This week, I wrote and sent my letter to the Mormon Church requesting to no longer be a member. It was a step that was both relieving and empowering as I took the initiative to create what I truly want for myself. Although I will wait for a confirmation from church headquarters, I am closing a door to an identity that I have never felt connected to and that is an incredibly freeing experience.

 

“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life” –Jean Shinoda Bolen

 

I love quotes. It is easy for me to find words that speak to me in the moment. Words capture me in ways that move me on many different levels. I think this is why I writing, reading, listening to music, and receiving kind thoughts from someone else have such an impact on my life. The spoken, sang, or written word is definitely my strongest language of love. As I write this leaf, I feel full. I feel free and at peace. I know it is because I have taken time to care for myself. Caring and loving me has become my greatest form of survival. The work I put into get to this place was worth every moment. While the bad days are still there…I recover quickly, feeling stronger and more at peace than ever before. This is what it feels like to really believe in yourself, even with all the anxieties, nerves, and fears, the hope and faith that I have for the future burns deep.

 

 

Leaf Thirty-two, Thirty-three & Thirty-four: Wavehouse Ravehouse; Closing a BIG Chapter; & Ms. Sartini

There has been a bit of a delay on the last three leaves. I have been writing…in random note books, on napkins, basically anything I have free at the moment when my thoughts are in order. Somehow it still took me three weeks to finally find an evening to sit down at my computer and put everything together. It only seems fitting that the time comes at the end of my first day of my first real-life-grown-up job. But before I get to that, here’s what’s been going on.

 

Leaf Thirty-two: Wavehouse Ravehouse

 

Since meeting Dallas, the level of fun in my life has been at an all time high. As I have said before, there is something to be said about spending time with someone who truly engages in every moment. Dallas always seems to be having a good time, whether it’s with his friends, with school, at work, with me…honestly, I have only ever seen him enjoying himself. It is refreshing and has woken up a part of me that in the past I have always felt compelled to leave sleeping as too much fun could break up my “perfect routine”. This past summer, I feel like Dallas has helped me do exactly what I set out to do eight months ago when I started the blog. The goal of fifty-two leaves was for me to get outside of what I normally do and to enjoy every moment of it. Spending time with Dallas has allowed me to hold on to my inner freedom in a balanced, yet exciting way. My openness and love for life has defintiely increased.

 

A couple weeks ago, I indulged in a Sunday Funday with Dallas and his friends at wavehouse. Dallas labeled his facebook album “Wavehouse Ravehouse”, I thought it was catchy and would make a good leaf title. Anyways…we spent the Sunday letting loose and dancing the day/night away. A couple years ago, I never thought I would be one for the house music scene, but since my move to San Diego, I have enjoyed some of my favorite nights out dancing to the techno beats. It feels in some way like everyone becomes a part of the music, which stimulates a very enticing environment. Being with Dallas and taking in the day was especially freeing, reminding me of why I started my wholehearted journey – to let go of what I “typically” do and embrace the times to be different.

 

Leaf Thirty-three: Closing a BIG Chapter

 

My heart is heavy and full as I write this leaf, as it marks the completion of my year as an intern and the end of my graduate program. I said good-bye to a group of people last Thursday who changed my life, inspired me, and aided in the growth of a lifetime. It has been a whirlwind of a year, one that I am leaving a different person, stronger, calmer, happier, and ready to take on the world. I feel that every inch of who I am, deep into my soul, was shaped by my colleagues and supervisors at Harmonium. Each one of them touched my heart, leaving me with a new hope for the future. How incredible it is to be a part of something so rare, genuine, and powerful.  During my time at Harmonium, I was given one of the most incredible gifts mankind has to offer…the opportunity to be with people who woke up my spirit and gave me a greater purpose to live for. You all taught me how to walk among the great ones because you let me walk with you.

 

Without the experiences that took place over the course of my two years of graduate school, fifty-two leaves would have never happened. I know without a doubt, I would be stuck in the midst of my need for perfection, longing for what it meant to live wholeheartedly. As I reflect on this past year, I know in my heart that I found my calling in life. I found a way to develop and integrate both my personal and professional identity to establish my future. The road was not easy, nor is it far from over, but I have been able to build the foundation for where my journey will take me. For as long as I can remember I knew I wanted to be able to help others…I wanted to know their story, to understand them, and to let them know it was going to be okay. What I did not realize, is that I first needed to do the same for myself.

 

As I have come to be able to give myself love, compassion, and support, my value on life has changed dramatically. No matter what the day brings, the feeling of it “being okay” never waivers. For that, I am deeply thankful for graduate school, for the people who aided along the way, and for myself, for having the courage to dig into the deepest, scariest parts of who I am to become a better person. It is a lifelong journey and one that I look forward to living every day. So while I’m closing an extremely BIG and invaluable chapter in my life, I am starting the next one truly living…which is the greatest feeling in the world.

 

Leaf Thirty-four: Ms. Sartini

 

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” –Gail Sheehy

 

Leaf Thirty-four marks my first official day as the Community Counselor at Chaparral High School and what a big day it was. I am filled with incredible amounts of joy, gratitude, and excitement for the year I have ahead. While my nerves will out full force this morning, I am ending the day, feeling calm and ready for tomorrow.

 

Today started off with a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on my car from Dallas, with a little note saying “Relax! You’re going to do great”. The thoughtfulness of the gesture meant so much to me. In that moment, I felt myself calm a bit, more ready to take on what was next. Knowing he was thinking of me made everything else easier and less scary. Thank you Dallas, for knowing exactly what I needed.

 

My leaf is titled “Ms. Sartini” as it represents my role as a teacher, something I have NEVER been before. It was weird starting school for the first time in 20 years not as a student. While I do not hold a typical teaching role, my position allows me to teach a class called “Reconnecting Youth”. I work with a group of students for the first semester to establish a peer support system that helps foster their growth and identity. I handed out a syllabus and everything...like a said, weird, but super cool haha.

 

Mostly, I am still wrapping my head around everything. It was crazy to come home from work and have the evening to do whatever I wanted…Bar Method, dinner, t.v., blogging, listening to music…there is a lot that can get done when I do not have to run to babysitting or write a homework. Nonetheless, I have no doubt that I endured all the crazy 12hour days so I could enjoy the transition to my next stage of growth.

 

There are much more experiences to come, I’m sure. But here’s to a new change, being a teacher, and embracing what lies ahead.