Leaf Thirty-nine, Forty, and Forty-one: Searching for the moments, Fighting On, and What really matters…

So life has been incredibly busy over the last month, but nonetheless, fifty-two leaves has been on my mind. Although I never had time to sit down and write my individual leaves, I made sure to devote each of the passing weeks to something directed towards my wholehearted life. Here is a rundown of what has been going on…

 

Leaf Thirty-Nine: Searching for the moments

On the first Friday of October, my high school had a school wide BBQ to celebrate 98% attendance for the month of September. Students were excused for 5^th and 6^th period to join together for hot dogs, music, games and mostly fun. It was exciting to see the enthusiasm of the kids to be able to celebrate their hard work together. Throughout the party, I kept thinking “how cool is this” that everyone is gathering together, taking a second to value the moment rather than being stressed out over “what needs to get done”. It was without a doubt what I have come to label a “wholehearted moment”, where everyone engaged together in the simple treasures of life. At one point, some of the students had the opportunity to sing in front of their peers.  The courage of the students to share their talent with the rest of the school was especially moving. I watched as the entire crowd quieted to support and cheer on their peers who sang for them. I remember feeling completely enthralled in the moment, to see the entire school connect over one person’s voice was genuine and valuable.

 

After the BBQ, I made a goal to search out more moments like the one I experienced at my school. Sometimes all it takes is taking a second to look around and embrace the gifts of life that are constantly surrounding us. It is so easy to become caught up with work, responsibilities, and stress that they can develop into a “normal routine”. I felt myself falling in that direction. The inspiration from the students triggered one of the necessities of a whole hearted life…breaking out of the routines…one of the main things that initially instigated my desire to start this blog. While my routine keeps me organized and feeling capable, it also can be dangerous and exhausting at times. By devoting a leaf to searching out of the moments, I have been more inclined to break out of my routine in even small, simple ways. I have stopped to breath, read a chapter out of my favorite book, watch the sunset, and even taking an afternoon nap. The moments of life are all around us, we just have to be willing to stop and take a look.

 

Leaf Forty: Fighting On

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my first USC football game. Actually, it was my first ever competitive football game so naturally it had to be a new leaf. Dallas’s mom (Anna) went to USC and the tradition has been passed down to both Dallas and his sister (Lyric). They are very big USC fans and included me in festivities for the USC vs. Colorado game. It was a memorable, exciting experience and one that definitely falls under my previous leaf of searching out the moments. There was something about tailgating on USC’s campus, surrounded by fans, covered in red and gold that created quite the unforgettable environment. I think I am a sucker for any type of connection. I love watching people, who don’t even know one thing about one other, connect through something bigger than themselves. It was very fun to watch and be part of this sensation during the USC game. I loved seeing the crowd light up after a touchdown and the high fives from the stranger sitting behind me. I am so thankful to Anna for including me in such a fun family event. They have truly opened their arms to me and made me feel so comfortable. It is rare to find such people, who embrace you, get you, and want you to be in their lives, it has been such a great feeling. For it, I am deeply grateful and so happy and looking forward to the next time I get to fight on!

 

 

Leaf Forty-one: What really matters…

Like I said earlier, the past month has been very busy. From work, to family stuff, to traveling, to more family stuff, it seems that the chaos may never end. I have kept moving because of the faith I have in myself and the invaluable support system around me. As life gets busy and stressful, and especially since I started to work fulltime, I have began identify the things that are truly important in my life. This includes the people that are really important. One challenge I have taken upon myself during my journey to a wholehearted life is that of setting boundaries and holding other people accountable. Part of this, has been about letting go of not being able to be what everyone else needs. I do feel less close to some, but I also feel closer to what really matters, like my family, my boyfriend, and my friends that truly love me for me.

 

With the increased amount of things occurring, I have come to really realize that I do not have time for unnecessary drama. In the past I have become consumed with letting someone down or not being good enough. Lately, I felt that same pull happening, but the difference is that I am aware of my triggers and able to quickly catch myself from spiraling down to perfectionism.  I know I cannot be “perfect” for everyone and I combat it by figuring out who and what really matters…which has been incredibly freeing. Because the fact is, I know I’m enough. I know I am a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, therapist, co-worker, teacher, etc. When I let the judgments of someone else get to me, I lose the strength that I know I have.

 

We cannot please everyone. When we’re working fulltime, maintaining our own sanity, and keeping those that are important close, someone else my feel displeased or disappointed. They may choose to treat us poorly or cut us out completely. It hurts, but at the end of the day, it’s about deciphering what really matters, who really loves us, and believing we are enough right now.  One of the greatest things I have learned from Dr. Brené Brown and a wholehearted life is being able to say “I am worthy right now”. We all are. We all deserve it.

Leaf Thirty-eight: Journaling my little heart out

Tonight I pulled out an old journal. As I flipped through the pages, it was around this same time last year that I was writing my heart out to get through a challenging transition period. Currently, journaling has become my greatest release since beginning the toughest, most rewarding work of my life. Through words, I have been able to navigate through the pieces of my soul that have been touched, hurt, and tried on a deep and provocative level. My writing often externalizes many of the feelings that hit on the inner parts of my identity, alleviating the responsibility of having to contain everything all at once. During my perfectionism days, I used to worry about what I wrote down, even if privately in diaries or journals, I felt I needed to write in a careful way, in case someone read my words one day. As an adolescent, I also took to journaling, but I would often read through past entries and eventually tear things out, feeling shame for what I had wrote. A lot has changed over the past year. Now, journaling has become the opposite. Whatever I think or feel goes onto the paper. Because at that moment, whatever it is, good or bad, the experience is affecting me and it deserves to be captured. One thing I have learned about my writing is that when I complete it without judgment or criticism, I am left feeling relieved and free. My writing, like me, is imperfect, and often the imperfection is what makes it beautiful and inspiring.

 

I often help my clients build a repertoire of coping tools to rely on when they are dealing with difficult emotions or circumstances. Rather than numbing the uncomfortable sensations associated with particular experiences, I have become a firm believer in sitting amidst the turmoil. When we numb challenging feelings, we never actually learn how to navigate through them. So the next time we feel sadness, hurt, anger, shame, etc., the experience is often more powerful and tougher to get through. In the past, I worked hard to avoid emotional turmoil because it was always “too much” for me to take on. I hated that I felt deeply, cried easily, and was extremely sensitive to the world around me. Instead of dealing with the discomfort, I numbed by attempting to be perfect. What happened was that I could only mask the emotion for so long before I had a breakdown and was left feeling more down than before. One of the greatest things I have learned along my personal journey to a wholehearted life is that to be happy and healthy is to still have the stress, anxiety, and any other inner turmoil experienced in life. We become our greatest selves as we are able to sit within the storm and use personal strengths and resources to survive it.

 

 

“Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.”

-Muhammad Ali

 

As I thought about this quote and finding my will, I thought about what I did to hold myself  accountable and continue to stimulate my desire to accomplish my dreams. Work today was especially challenging as I faced a case with characteristics and behaviors I had yet to encounter in my clinical work. After the session I felt exhausted, helpless and self-critical. There are some circumstances, that no matter how much education or research you have done, there is nothing to fully prepare. I cried in my office for a few minutes allowing myself to feel what had happened. Then I sought out feedback from my supervisor, took a few deep breaths and got back to my responsibilities. Later I consulted with the school psychologist to debrief as well as obtain collaborative input on how to best handle the situation. After work, I left time to rest for a bit then went to my Bar Method class, and now I am taking the time to write about what happened. In each of those simple steps, I dealt with the challenging emotions I faced earlier on in the day. Rather than putting on my “perfectionism” mask to get through the experience, I owned my feelings and reached out for support, both from others and within myself. As I write this entry and reflect on the day, I feel stronger and more prepared for tomorrow. My “will” is tried daily and in order to keep it alive, I must nurture it. For me, it’s exercise, journaling, and connecting with others. I use my repertoire daily, it requires a lot of practice and self-awareness, but the benefits make everything worth it.

 

How do you nurture your spirit?

 

Leaf Thirty-six & Thirty-seven: Embracing Adversity and the Vulnerability Hangover

Leaf Thirty-six: Embracing Adversity

 

“To a brave man, good and back luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both” –St. Catherine of Siena

 

Four weeks into my work has been the most memorable new beginning of my lifetime. The youth I work with touch my soul in a way I did not know I was capable of feeling. They know more about the hardships of real life than anyone I have ever had the privilege to encounter. They know how to endure hell and keep their head above the surface. They are survivors. I look at their stories and only see strength and courage. When I hear their ability to overcome the adversity they are faced with daily, I feel hope for the rest of the world. It confirms for me the exquisite capacity of the human condition.

 

The adversity is especially challenging causing me to question my role at times. How did I come to deserve such an invaluable position? To be able to hold the space for my clients to explore depths of who they are, their struggles, and their resiliency is both humbling and terrifying. I am humbled by their words. Never before in my life have I facilitated an environment for such difficult experiences to be brought to the surface. I thought I knew pain, suffering, and hurt until I met the young women and men I work with everyday. For me they have painted the picture of what it means to really survive. My job is to help them be able to thrive.

 

Last week I felt a bit helpless with the work in the sense that I am unable to give the youth the love they are missing from their families. They have been dealt a hand that tries the strength of the human condition. I want nothing more than to be able to help them recognize the amazing power each one of them hold. Because of their experiences, they have much more to offer the world then the wealthiest, most educated, powerful people I have encountered in my life.

 

I liked the quote at the beginning of this blog as it symbolized what I feel is making the most out of adversity. It is about taking the good with the bad and finding a way to live up to the potential inherent within each one of us. As much as I would like the world to be black and white or to be able to separate things into what is in my control versus what is not, that isn’t reality. There is too much emotion to let it be that simple. Our world is in the gray. No matter how much we try to fight it, to put on a mask because that’s what society wants, we all still feel. To feel deeply, to understand the experiences of another, is how we truly connect with those around us.

 

On the days I feel helpless and unsure, I remember this, that my emotions, my ability to feel deeply, allow me to embrace the adversity that I face. It allows me to hold the adversity that my clients face. My gray area gives me the capacity to see the strength amidst the chaos. I want nothing more than the youth to know that they have touched my life in a remarkable way. Four weeks into the most challenging work of my life and I cannot wait for the next day. I cannot wait to hear the stories of the survivors.

 

Leaf Thirty-seven: Vulnerability Hangover

 

A couple of weeks ago I started the latest book from the author who inspired my journey nine months ago. Dr. Brené Brown’s work, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, couldn’t have fell into my lap at a more perfect moment. I am about a quarter of the way into the book and already captivated by the power of what she is getting at:

 

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection” (pp., 2).

 

Over the course of my personal journey, I have come to realize that to be fully alive is incredibly challenging. It requires dedication to engage in the work despite the discomfort that comes from exposing ourselves to others. Despite the discomfort I have endured the past nine months, despite the pain or hurt, despite the anxiety that comes with being what Brené deems “naked”, I am happier, healthier and stronger than ever before. As much as I would love to turn the self-awareness light off some days, for me there is no turning back. I have come to know and embrace parts of myself that before I kept hidden below the surface. My hope is that others can be touched by something deeper. That they have the opportunity to engage in the hard work that has the power to move us beyond measure.

 

Since I met Dallas about four months ago, my vulnerability has been especially tested. Before he came along, I was getting pretty great at “doing me”. I was being vulnerable, striving for wholeheartedness daily, and growing internally. The emotions I endured (both good and bad) were becoming easier to navigate through and I was gaining clarity on who I am. While Dallas has only enhanced this experience further, he has also brought a strong wave of emotion into the mix, which can often get me to feeling a little discombobulated.

 

As I am sure itnhas been evident in my writing, I am an extremely passionate, deep feeler kind of a person. For most of my life I viewed this ability to feel as a bad thing. I cried too easily. I was too sensitive. etc. etc. I kept telling myself that one day I would grow out of it. That I wouldn’t feel so deeply anymore. Well obviously that never changed and as I entered graduate school, started the personal work, I began to realize the gift I had been given. Because of my ability to feel deeply, I am able to connect with individuals even during the most difficult of circumstances. I am able to be fully present in my work.

 

So this is where the lines between work and my personal life get blurred a bit. Because truth be told, I cannot turn the “time to feel deeply” switch on and off. Very early on with Dallas, I knew something was different. Partly because I had reached a place in my life where I felt secure and confident and worthy and partly because he is well…just absolutely perfect. I found myself becoming mesmerized in the moments spent with him. His gratitude and genuineness about life touched my heart and I could feel what was building. I knew it would only be a matter of time when the words “I love you” would slip out of my mouth.

 

I said it once out loud to him a while back. I am not really sure what happened, but I just said it. After that, I experienced what I now am identifying as a “vulnerability hangover”. Brené describes this as the aftermath of an immensely vulnerable experience where we take the risk and put ourselves out there. Metaphorically speaking, we are naked; exposing a part of who we are that leaves us vulnerable to experiencing an assortment of different feelings. I am not going to lie, after I got in my car from leaving Dallas’s house that day, it felt like I had gotten hit by a bus. I did not expect anything after I said what I said to him, but nonetheless, it was hard to take in. I had put myself out there, exposed my heart, and felt the effects that come with taking the risk.

 

It took me about another month to develop the courage to speak from my heart again. So last week, I let it out and again, I would experience another vulnerability hangover. However, this time I was prepared. I was able to identify what was going on, what I needed, and how to ask for it. It came down to this, containing my passion and my real feelings, was a lot harder than owning them. I wanted to know that it was okay to my heart out. I did not need Dallas to know whether he loved me or not. What I needed was to know that he was all in too. That he was willing to dive into the vulnerability water head first. I realized that in order for my best self to be brought out, I needed to be with someone who could express when they feel scared, ashamed, happy, excited, etc. I want it all, the good, the bad, and everything in between. Because for me, I know both from what I have learned and what I have experienced, that to be vulnerable is sincerest way we are able to have the deepest, most loving connection with others.

 

Needless to say, my next conversation with Dallas was even more terrifying than saying “I love you” because communicating what we want from a relationship and not knowing if that person is ready to give you that is vulnerability at its core. Dallas is an incredible man and someone who has listened better and been more receptive to me than anyone else. This is why I cannot live without vulnerability. Even though I was scared to death about the potential outcome of what he wanted, I opened myself up for something deeper. I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I do know that what we have is special. Though vulnerability is challenging for him, I can tell that he feels something deeper also. So despite another vulnerability hangover, I feel more connected to Dallas than before. I know that he is there; ready to dive in, even if it is only the shallow end for now.