Leaf Thirty-six: Embracing
Adversity
“To a brave man, good and back
luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both” –St. Catherine of Siena
Four weeks into my work has been the most memorable new beginning of my lifetime.
The youth I work with touch my soul in a way I did not know I was
capable of feeling. They know more about the hardships of real life than anyone
I have ever had the privilege to encounter. They know how to endure hell and
keep their head above the surface. They are survivors. I look at their stories
and only see strength and courage. When I hear their ability to overcome the
adversity they are faced with daily, I feel hope for the rest of the world. It confirms
for me the exquisite capacity of the human condition.
The adversity is especially challenging
causing me to question my role at times. How did I come to deserve such an
invaluable position? To be able to hold the space for my clients to explore depths
of who they are, their struggles, and their resiliency is both humbling and
terrifying. I am humbled by their words. Never before in my life have I
facilitated an environment for such difficult experiences to be brought to the
surface. I thought I knew pain, suffering, and hurt until I met the young women
and men I work with everyday. For me they have painted the picture of what it
means to really survive. My job is to help them be able to thrive.
Last week I felt a bit helpless
with the work in the sense that I am unable to give the youth the love they are
missing from their families. They have been dealt a hand that tries the
strength of the human condition. I want nothing more than to be able to help
them recognize the amazing power each one of them hold. Because of their
experiences, they have much more to offer the world then the wealthiest, most
educated, powerful people I have encountered in my life.
I liked the quote at the
beginning of this blog as it symbolized what I feel is making the most out of
adversity. It is about taking the good with the bad and finding a way to live
up to the potential inherent within each one of us. As much as I would like the
world to be black and white or to be able to separate things into what is in my
control versus what is not, that isn’t reality. There is too much emotion to
let it be that simple. Our world is in the gray. No matter how much we try to
fight it, to put on a mask because that’s what society wants, we all still
feel. To feel deeply, to understand the experiences of another, is how we truly
connect with those around us.
On the days I feel helpless and
unsure, I remember this, that my emotions, my ability to feel deeply, allow me
to embrace the adversity that I face. It allows me to hold the adversity that
my clients face. My gray area gives me the capacity to see the strength amidst
the chaos. I want nothing more than the youth to know that they have touched my
life in a remarkable way. Four weeks into the most challenging work of my life
and I cannot wait for the next day. I cannot wait to hear the stories of the
survivors.
Leaf Thirty-seven: Vulnerability
Hangover
A couple of weeks ago I started
the latest book from the author who inspired my journey nine months ago. Dr.
Brené Brown’s work, Daring Greatly: How
the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and
Lead, couldn’t have fell into my lap at a more perfect moment. I am about a
quarter of the way into the book and already captivated by the power of what
she is getting at:
“Vulnerability
is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face
every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our
willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of
our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves
from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection” (pp., 2).
Over the course of my personal
journey, I have come to realize that to be fully alive is incredibly challenging.
It requires dedication to engage in the work despite the discomfort that comes
from exposing ourselves to others. Despite the discomfort I have endured the
past nine months, despite the pain or hurt, despite the anxiety that comes with
being what Brené deems “naked”, I am happier, healthier and stronger than ever
before. As much as I would love to turn the self-awareness light off some days,
for me there is no turning back. I have come to know and embrace parts of
myself that before I kept hidden below the surface. My hope is that others can
be touched by something deeper. That they have the opportunity to engage in the
hard work that has the power to move us beyond measure.
Since I met Dallas about four
months ago, my vulnerability has been especially tested. Before he came along,
I was getting pretty great at “doing me”. I was being vulnerable, striving for
wholeheartedness daily, and growing internally. The emotions I endured (both
good and bad) were becoming easier to navigate through and I was gaining
clarity on who I am. While Dallas has only enhanced this experience further, he
has also brought a strong wave of emotion into the mix, which can often get me
to feeling a little discombobulated.
As I am sure itnhas been evident
in my writing, I am an extremely passionate, deep feeler kind of a person. For
most of my life I viewed this ability to feel as a bad thing. I cried too
easily. I was too sensitive. etc. etc. I kept telling myself that one day I
would grow out of it. That I wouldn’t feel so deeply anymore. Well obviously
that never changed and as I entered graduate school, started the personal work,
I began to realize the gift I had been given. Because of my ability to feel
deeply, I am able to connect with individuals even during the most difficult of
circumstances. I am able to be fully present in my work.
So this is where the lines
between work and my personal life get blurred a bit. Because truth be told, I
cannot turn the “time to feel deeply” switch on and off. Very early on with
Dallas, I knew something was different. Partly because I had reached a place in
my life where I felt secure and confident and worthy and partly because he is
well…just absolutely perfect. I found myself becoming mesmerized in the moments
spent with him. His gratitude and genuineness about life touched my heart and I
could feel what was building. I knew it would only be a matter of time when the
words “I love you” would slip out of my mouth.
I said it once out loud to him a
while back. I am not really sure what happened, but I just said it. After that,
I experienced what I now am identifying as a “vulnerability hangover”. Brené
describes this as the aftermath of an immensely vulnerable experience where we
take the risk and put ourselves out there. Metaphorically speaking, we are naked;
exposing a part of who we are that leaves us vulnerable to experiencing an assortment of different feelings. I
am not going to lie, after I got in my car from leaving Dallas’s house that
day, it felt like I had gotten hit by a bus. I did not expect anything after I
said what I said to him, but nonetheless, it was hard to take in. I had put
myself out there, exposed my heart, and felt the effects that come with taking the
risk.
It took me about another month to
develop the courage to speak from my heart again. So last week, I let it out
and again, I would experience another vulnerability hangover. However, this
time I was prepared. I was able to identify what was going on, what I needed,
and how to ask for it. It came down to this, containing my passion and my real
feelings, was a lot harder than owning them. I wanted to know that it was okay
to my heart out. I did not need Dallas to know whether he loved me or not. What
I needed was to know that he was all in too. That he was willing to dive into
the vulnerability water head first. I realized that in order for my best self
to be brought out, I needed to be with someone who could express when they feel
scared, ashamed, happy, excited, etc. I want it all, the good, the bad, and
everything in between. Because for me, I know both from what I have learned and
what I have experienced, that to be vulnerable is sincerest way we are able to
have the deepest, most loving connection with others.
Needless to say, my next
conversation with Dallas was even more terrifying than saying “I love you”
because communicating what we want from a relationship and not knowing if that
person is ready to give you that is vulnerability at its core. Dallas is an
incredible man and someone who has listened better and been more receptive to
me than anyone else. This is why I cannot live without vulnerability. Even
though I was scared to death about the potential outcome of what he wanted, I
opened myself up for something deeper. I am not sure what the future holds for
us, but I do know that what we have is special. Though vulnerability is
challenging for him, I can tell that he feels something deeper also. So despite
another vulnerability hangover, I feel more connected to Dallas than before. I
know that he is there; ready to dive in, even if it is only the shallow end for
now.
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