Throughout
this process of wholehearted growth, I have discovered a yearning within myself
for spiritual connection—a connection to the world around me and a belief that
there is a higher power amidst this wondrous universe. Last Sunday I took time
to enjoy a beach run along the coast, watching the sunset, and enjoying the
sensations of the water and sand. As I thought about what I was grateful for my
mind wandered to a variety of things, one being church and religion. Since
deciding to not be Mormon a couple years ago, organized religion is not
something I have wanted to pursue again, yet I know how important it is for my
soul to pray and to connect to something greater than myself. I thought about
where I felt peace, freedom, and connection and I continusously came to the outdoors.
Whether I’m in my mountains or running in the sand, when I am embracing nature,
my body calms. With that thought, I decided to throw out the possibility of
having Sunday beach runs be my “church”, a ritual that I could engage in weekly
to pray, to reflect, and to express my gratitude.
A couple
things took place over the past week after I contemplated making the beach my
church. As I walked back to my car after the run, there was a flyer on my
window advertising an organized church in the area. I laughed at the timing of
it all. The next day, I decided to do another evening beach run to further
explore my thoughts and feelings about creating a new ritual for myself. It was
during that run that I realized the power of a sunset. As I ran along the
coast, watching the sunset, I stopped to truly enjoy and take in the image.
When I looked around, I was incredibly moved by everyone else around me.
Although I knew no one on the beach that day, we were are intricately connected
to this glorious sunset. Everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to
embrace the moment that was happening. I felt the spiritual power of nature and
any doubts I had about creating my own church ritual went away. In that moment,
I decided on my new leaf of the week.
Part of my
leaf this week was also about moving forward. Although I have not practiced
Mormonism for almost three years, I am still technically a member of the
church. In order to no longer be kept on Mormon records, one has to submit a
letter requesting to be removed from church membership. This was something I
had heard about, but never taken the time to look into. As I continue to
discover my own belief system and develop my spiritual foundation, I have a
yearning to be truly free. This week, I wrote and sent my letter to the Mormon
Church requesting to no longer be a member. It was a step that was both relieving
and empowering as I took the initiative to create what I truly want for myself.
Although I will wait for a confirmation from church headquarters, I am closing
a door to an identity that I have never felt connected to and that is an incredibly
freeing experience.
“When you
discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough
about yourself to make room for it in your life” –Jean Shinoda Bolen
I love
quotes. It is easy for me to find words that speak to me in the moment. Words
capture me in ways that move me on many different levels. I think this is why I
writing, reading, listening to music, and receiving kind thoughts from someone
else have such an impact on my life. The spoken, sang, or written word is
definitely my strongest language of love. As I write this leaf, I feel full. I
feel free and at peace. I know it is because I have taken time to care for
myself. Caring and loving me has become my greatest form of survival. The work
I put into get to this place was worth every moment. While the bad days are
still there…I recover quickly, feeling stronger and more at peace than ever
before. This is what it feels like to really believe in yourself, even with all
the anxieties, nerves, and fears, the hope and faith that I have for the future
burns deep.
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