“They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself”
–Andy Warhol
When I started this journey I did not know what to expect, nor did I have a clear map of what I was going to be doing. All I knew is that I was making a change, taking a leap, and putting faith in myself to figure it out. Fourteen weeks later… I feel different … I feel stronger … I feel a freedom I never knew existed. As I reflected this past week on what was happening, the changes that I noticed occurring in my life, I became overwhelmed with emotion. My eyes filled up with tears as I thought about the self-criticism I carried for so many years. The inability I had to be self-compassionate and loving towards who I was. How did I live in shame for who I am for so long?
These feelings came up heavy. Not in a negative manner, but in an I-need-to-know-what-is-going-on sort of way. During the week, I typically read a chapter out of Dr. Brown’s book. It helps ground me and work through the difficult days. Tonight I read her chapter on the things that get in the way of our ability to live wholeheartedly. Whether I was looking for my answer or whether it is actually what is happening, the chapter helped me wrap my head around my inner transformation. For the first time in my life I am owning my story… I am practicing what Dr. Brown refers to as “shame resiliency”… the best part is I did not even realize it was happening.
From this chapter, I took away an important message:
One of the strongest components to shame resiliency is being able to take about what shame means. This is not easy. I hate feeling ashamed. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with who I am. As I look back on how I lived before, I realized that shame ran my life. My fear and inability to talk about it allowed shame to have all the power. How did I break free? I started loving myself, my vulnerabilities, and my imperfections. I also started talking about shame. I began to open up to those who were worthy to hear my story. Instead of running from the pain or uneasiness I feel in a situation, I work to understand the meaning. It’s an ongoing process as feeling shame is a normal human experience, but it does not have to control who we are. I am learning that lesson every day in so many different ways. I am finally understanding a deeper part of myself and being okay with the difficult things that come up along the way.
The other night I ran into a guy that I dated for about a month in the summer. At the time, I thought he was absolutely dreamy, smart, funny, and he had the cutest dog. I remember being anxious and insecure and now wanting to screw it up. I was terrified of my imperfections showing, yet, did more things with him that got me outside my comfort shell than ever before. Long story short, he ended up calling it off with a text message and that was it. I remember feeling so discouraged, upset, and hurt, but mostly ashamed. Like there was something a matter with me. I wanted to respond back to his text with something rude and belittling. Something stopped me though and instead I wished him the best and deleted his number from my phone. Seeing him the other night stirred up those difficult emotions again. Normally I would have run and hid…I would not have talked to him or said hi. It is always easier to run from the shame. But I am no longer in a place where I need to run. I walked up, gave him a hug, said what was on my mind and decided it was okay. Yes, it hurt, it made me feel crappy that this guy was not interested in me. That’s normal though. And for the first time, I am okay with that. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me…it means that I’m human and that rejection hurts.
I shared this story because I think it speaks to a place that I have never been able to reach until now. As I dive into my heart, as I understand the things that get in the way, I am powerful, I am free.
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