Leaf Sixteen: Somebody that I used to Know

Four months into my journey happens to mark my 24^th birthday. Typically my birthday week is busy, exciting, and my favorite time of year (go figure…haha). But for a lot of reasons, last week was uneventful, a bit depressing, and reflective period. The weekend before I was on ultimate high, celebrating the wedding between my amazing cousin Lorenzo and his beautiful bride and my incredible friend for life, Ky. I am still at a loss for words for how to describe the event besides that it was absolutely perfect. I am thankful for being able to share the moment with the fabulous couple as well as many family and friends. Needless to say, it made coming back to reality a little more difficult. I was recovering from the side effects of too much alcohol coupled with the recognition of a fairytale love story and how I was currently single…haha...what helped ease the depression was group text messages between the bridesmaids revealing similar feelings. I am amazed daily with the power of connecting with others…it helps ease even the silliest types of discomfort.
 

I knew I wanted my leaf last week to be about turning 24. I wanted to talk about the changes I have made over the past sixteen weeks and how this was going to be a new year. But I could never sit down to write anything. Last week was what I considered a “down week” and I did not feel like I had anything exciting to share. Today, after doing what Dr. Brown refers to as “digging deep”, I got inspired, went on a long run, and broke down what was going on last week. Four months ago, I began a journey to free myself from being governed by the judgments of others,  a need for perfection, and constant internal criticism. As I reflected on last week…I realized that the someone I used to know (the part of myself that I was working hard to cut off) was reappearing. Instead of taking care of myself, I exercised less, ate ridiculous amounts of food, and did not have self-compassion. My problem was not that my “old self” had reappeared, but that I had let bad habits get the best of me.

It’s funny because last week in many ways represents the beauty of imperfection…that sometimes those weeks just happen. The problem arises when we let ourselves be defined them. I am learning that I can’t simply cut things out of my life, but need to understand why they happened in the first place. My wholehearted journey is about recognizing that the past is what makes the future possible. I can only get where I am going by embracing where I have been. My birthday this year is about meeting the someone I used to know, understanding her, and moving forward. This journey is not about hating where I came from, but rather, a desire to love where I am going.

 My sixteenth leaf is inspired by Goyte’s song “Somebody that I Used to Know”. During my run today, I listened to it on repeat for about 40 minutes. Music is probably one of my favorite things in the world. Once I find a song I love, I will overplay it and find some sort of way to apply its meaning to my life. For this song I was initially drawn to the beat and the flow of the words. The rhythm kept me going on my run and also fueled my thoughts. The words speak to me in a way that represents the significance of understanding both sides of the story in a relationship. I believe that relationships permeate every aspect of our life (hence why I am going to school to be a marriage and family therapist). On my journey to wholehearted living I need to embrace and understand both sides of my story … why I sought out perfectionism and self-doubt in the past to now finding myself indulging in mindfulness, passion, and love.

In the song, I am not sure who is right or wrong. Mostly I think it is about figuring out who you are and what you want. I have lived on both sides of my story and this week, I am remembering to love where I came from and actively recognizing that it represents where I am going. There are many days when I feel compelled to revert to my “old self”… where it is easier to try to be perfect than to breakdown the meaning of a situation. And my perfectionism did have its perks at times. My room was always clean, my notes/files/everything in my life was organized and color coordinated. The downside to this was feeling constantly on-edge—I was always motivated to get things done, but never able to enjoy the simple moments. Change is a process; it takes time, mistakes, and faith. We can only go forward if we are able to understand what holds us back. Somebody I used to know will always be there, I am not cutting that part of me out of my story, but learning how to recognize it and decipher it’s meaning in my life.