Leaf Twenty-eight: Perseverance

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind.  I am incredibly thankful and blessed and thrilled for the next chapter of my life to begin. Leaf twenty-eight is about working hard, being who you are, and owning your story. These three things helped me persevere through a challenging, trying year and essentially opened up an unexpected opportunity for my future.

A couple weeks ago I got a phone call from one of my supervisors for a clinic I work at in East County. She was calling to offer me a job interview for a position opening up at the high school next year. She stated the position had already officially been closed, but wanted to give me the opportunity to apply as she knew me and my work ethic over the course of the past year. I was surprised by the call and in the moment it was a lot to wrap my head around. I agreed to the interview and spent the following few days really considering what the job would mean for me at this time in my life.

As the reality of having a potential job before I finished school set it, I was overwhelmed with excitement and at the same time absolutely terrified of screwing things up. My anxiety levels shot through the roof as I prepared for the interview. I had the initial interview on Tuesday with my supervisor. She was warm and already knew a lot about me so it helped calm my nerves. With that being said, the questions were challenging and encouraged me to think about who I was as a therapist. Afterwards she told me there was a high chance I would qualify for the second interview on Thursday with the school principal, head guidance counselor and another woman who held a strong role in alternative education. She stated they would be making the final decision and that the individual I was competing against would be tough competition.

When she called to offer me the second interview, she stated that I needed to enter the interview with the goal to sell myself completely. As you can imagine, my nerves were over stimulated with excitement as well as fear of rejection. Knowing what my triggers are and the need to be perfect, I spent the following day preparing what I wanted to accomplish out this interview. Immediately, I knew that I had to make my first goal about staying real. Like I talked about a few weeks earlier, a huge trigger for shame for me is entering an environment with a need to be accepted versus owning my story and being my authentic self. I really began to think about what my strengths were in my field and how I was going to articulate them in an interview room. I have difficulty expressing pride for myself out of a fear that it makes me appear haughty or self-centered. For the interview, I knew that I needed to own my strengths and to be proud of the hard work I had committed to over the years.

At this moment I am incredibly thankful for the personal journey I devoted the past year too and the amount of time I put into self-discovery. It is one the reasons I am fortunate and blessed to have a job lined up as I complete my graduate program. There are so many that helped me persevere along this pathway and my gratitude to them is never ending. As I entered the interview having faith in myself and expressing my passion for what I do, I left knowing that whatever happened in the end, I had grown as a person. Despite being incredibly nervous, I never waivered from my goal of being myself and owning my strengths. Leaf twenty-eight marks an exciting, joyous beginning to a new era of my life.

“With ordinary talents and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable” –Sir Thomas Buxton

Leaf Twenty-seven: Simply Thankful

I have had a hard time putting leaf twenty-seven into words. Over the past week or so, it has been difficult for me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. The best way I can think to describe what I am experiencing is this: a sensation of comforting warmth.  I feel connected to the world around me in a deeper more spiritual way and I find myself noticing and appreciating the loveliest, most simple things that surround my life.

My leaf this week is about gratefulness. One of the things that Dr. Brené Brown talks about as being necessary to a wholehearted life is taking the time to incorporate gratitude practice daily. She states that those who live wholeheartedly, despite busy, hectic, stressful days, remember to save a moment to say, “I am grateful for…”. For Brené, this simple practice is how we keep gratitude alive within us.

Simply thankful was ignited during a conversation Dallas and I were having about higher power and what keeps us grounded in our lives. He shared that every night he says a prayer of gratitude for the place he is at in his life and the gifts he has been given. This moved me in a powerful way as Dallas was willing to share a deeper part of himself and to see the absolute thankfulness he maintains for his life. I think this is exactly what Brené would call gratitude practice. With that in mind, I began to think about the ways in which I cultivated gratitude in my life. I feel thankful daily, but how do I keep it alive?

My goal since Dallas and I’s conversation that night was to notice and take in the glorious world I encounter daily. Never before have I felt more appreciative of the simple, yet most captivating moments around me.

Running is my sanctuary. It calms me. It moves me. There is no other time when I feel more free. During my runs this week, with gratitude in mind, I took the opportunity to release what I needed to, but to also soak in the beautiful place around me. I discovered my own gratitude practice, what I am now calling, “thankful runs”, on the beach in Cardiff.  I am so deeply grateful for this place.

On Sunday along the coast, I watched a woman push her husband in a wheel chair so he could enjoy the glorious view also. I am thankful for that simple, pure, giving love.

 I am thankful for the little boy I saw fishing with a pole he created himself. His focus. His carefree nature. His drive to succeed.

I am thankful for the fresh breeze that comes off the water and the way the sand feels inbetween my toes.

I am thankful for the strength of my legs.  That they have the power to push through the stress, anxiety, and fears.

My “thankful runs” allowed me to notice the beauty around, but also gave me time for reflection.

I am grateful to be an MFT. For the opportunity to be in a field where I get to help people at the most precious times in their lives and that they trust me.

I am thankful for the laughter and joy that comes when with great friends. I had a night out with Lily and Al, we laughed and danced more than anything. There was so much joy. I am thankful for that joy and the feeling that overcomes you when you are surrounded with those you love and no one else in the room matters.

Over the weekend, I got to meet Dallas’s mom and sister. What a beautiful, loving family. I feel grateful to have met them. I feel thankful to be a witness of the unconditional love and warmth they have for one another. It was real, in the best kind of ways.

This week’s leaf is a bit scattered. I knew I wanted my new leaf to be about gratitude practice, but as the week went on, I did not really know how to put it all into words. What it came down to was this, I woke up each day enjoying and recognizing the simple, yet incredibly valuable things in my life. I took time to love the moments and to be appreciative of this one of a kind life I have. I am left feeling peaceful. It’s a breathing, loving, laughing, the world is brighter and more giving kind of feeling.

My “thankful runs” will forever be a ritual of mine. How are you simply thankful in your life?

Leaf Twenty-six: Open

This past week was filled with many moments of wholeheartedly living, which are always my favorite kind of weeks and as I thought about what my overall feelings was throughout the wholeheartedness, what I kept coming back to was: open. Living, breathing, thinking, feeling, giving, with an open mind and heart. Leaf twenty-six marks my halfway point on this journey and there is no doubt that my heart is more open than ever before. What an incredible, beautiful ride it has been thus far. I wake up every day feeling stronger, happier, and ready to embrace what lies ahead. I am thankful, blessed, and overwhelmed with joy.

I am not really sure with where to start with what I have felt this the past week, although very exciting, it has been a bit of a whirlwind…a good one.

Monday started off with a beach walk with Lily and Allison and Lily’s pup Arnold. It has been amazing having the beach less than five minutes from my house to take advantage of. I have spent more time than ever before enjoying its proximity. Every day I drive by expressing great thankfulness and an “I can’t believe I live here” for the beautiful Cardiff by the Sea.  I have noticed the biggest change in myself since I moved a month ago. It is a relief to come home to a place that I absolutely love and to a person who truly gets me...I couldn’t   ask for anything more!!

My week continued with exciting news at work, a date night to the movie, Ted (hilarious!), a night out in downtown dancing, another movie night with the girls to Magic Mike (hilarious on a whole different level), and a weekend with family in Laguna. Needless to say, wholehearted living at its best!

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I met a special someone who I could be my real, authentic self with. While it is still too soon to say where we are going, I am truly enjoying the direction things are progressing. Dallas has quite frankly taken my breath away and may be the most refreshing man I have ever met. He is honest, kind, caring and truly interested in who I am as a person. Never before have I met someone who I feel completely comfortable to be myself with. I know part of my ability to experience this connection with him is due to the personal work I have taken on over the past year. I believe wholeheartedly that when we are able to rely solely on ourselves and are okay with being alone, we open ourselves up to something greater.

One of my favorite things about Dallas so far is the love he has for life. It is evident how much he enjoys the company of others and having a good time. I myself am quite the social butterfly and thrive on the moments where I feel free of the everyday stressors that surround me. After a long day at work on Thursday I decided to join Dallas for a night out downtown at a nightclub. It was such a treat to break my weekly routine and do something out of the ordinary. I don’t really know much about the techno music scene, but I had a fabulous time moving on the dance floor with Dallas. He seemed to be completely carefree and simply soaking up being out for a good time. It was refreshing to share the night with someone who meets you in the same place that you want to be. The place of living in the moment and embracing everything that’s around and being perfectly content with it.

It has been an exciting week. There is something to be said about having butterflies and loving every second of it. I feel that my heart is open, in the best kind of ways and regardless of where Dallas and I go from here, I already recognize the genuineness of my connection with him. It is real on so many levels and for that I will have no regrets moving forward.

I leave you with this, some words of wisdom I came across one day that are definitely worthy of sharing:

“It’s the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking for it!”

<div style='text-align:center;font-size:11px;font-family:arial;font-weight:normal;margin:10px;padding:0;line-height:normal'><a href='http://www.dwellable.com/a/340/San-Diego/Cardiff-by-the-Sea/Vacation-Rentals' style='border:none'><img src='http://www.dwellable.com/dwellback/340.jpg' style='width:102px;height:20px;border:none;margin:0;padding:0'><br>Cardiff by the Sea on Dwellable</a></div>

Leaf Twenty-five: Coming home

This week I traveled to my hometown to spend time with my family. There is something about Cedar City, Utah that will forever hold a piece of my heart. Although I do not plan to reside there again, it will be place that I always return to. Something I have learned throughout my journey to wholehearted living is about the importance of owning my story. It would be impossible for me to claim who I am without owning where I came from. Since I started fifty-two leaves about six months ago, I have not been back home to visit. I have seen my family on multiple occasions, but there is nothing quite like returning to the place that held you during your most impressionable years. For me, growing up in Cedar City is an experience I would not change for the world. While it has had its pros and cons like any other aspect of my identity, it granted me with incredible gifts that I will cherish for all my life.

 Coming home is a new leaf because I have yet to return with the openness and love for life that has fulfilled me these past six months. I am beginning my seventh year away from the place that raised me. It is hard to believe how quickly time has moved and how much has changed, and how much I have changed since I was 18. When I left, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. I was insecure, scared, but always hopeful. My sense of hope carried me, giving me strength to dig deep and find myself. A part of me used to resent Cedar City. Growing up, I felt out of place, somewhere between a Mormon and not. Throughout my adolescence it was all about “fitting in” and “being normal”. On the outside, I was impeccable at appearing “perfect”, but on the inside I was deeply struggling with a belief system that I could not manage to hold in my heart. Though I desperately wanted to be a “perfect” Mormon like a lot of my peers, there was a stronger part of me that wanted something more.

Throughout the years, I have found that something more…it is my own sense of spirituality. It took a lot to break away from a belief system that held me for much of my early life, but once I moved forward there was no turning back. For me, I believe that religion is something that we come to claim on our own, as we figure out who we are and what we want out of life. Although I tried to make Mormonism mine for many years, I knew in my heart it never would be me, nor do I think any religious institution ever will be again. And I am okay with that. I believe there is something out there bigger than me, whether it’s a God for some or a higher power for others; I know in my heart something connects us all. I see it in my work as a therapist, when I come home to my family, when I visit my mountains, when I run on the beach, in my relationships with friends, and the list goes on and on. To me that is my religion: thriving in life, giving to others, and loving deeply and compassionately.  

This change has aspired over the past few years, but committing to living wholeheartedly added the next piece to the puzzle. Although the journey is never ending, I am able to truly come home…to be me, free and authentic. It has been something I have worked on since I left and I have slowly achieved with each visit. This time was different because for once I understood what home meant in my life. There is a lot that goes into owning my story, Cedar City happens to be a very big piece of it.

Small town life is difficult to put into words…I think to really understand it you actually have to live it for yourself. There is no rush hour, no traffic, you never go anywhere where you don’t know someone, but you can always go somewhere to be completely alone. That is probably something I miss the most about living in Cedar, the ability to escape when you needed too. It is incredibly peaceful to be in place where you can be fully alone with your thoughts, where the air is fresh, and the wind is all you hear. My favorite spot in the world is my cabin located in the mountains about an hour east of Cedar. From the time I was a little girl there has never been a place I longed for more. We visited frequently growing up and it was the one place that always has and still does remain consistent in my life. I miss it dearly, but recognize its value in my life the longer I am away. While I love the beach, the beautiful weather, and the vast opportunities in California, my mountains are irreplaceable and that will never change.

Okay I lied, the thing I miss the most about home is my family. Although coming home often feels like I am 16 again, I cherish the time we have together. We are all very close, probably too close at times, but nonetheless have an unconditional love for one another that never waivers. For me, there is nothing better than family dinners with my parents, my grandma, my two brothers, and our three dogs. We all get each other on the deepest kind of level and don’t even need to exchange words to know what everyone is thinking. Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my family, whether we were at my cabin or on a trip, we did many things together. As a teenager, I wanted my independence and often fought my parents for taking me away from my friends. Now as I look back, I appreciate so much the valuable gifts I have been given from my family. I know my mom misses me dearly and wants me closer, but is finding her way to let me go. Time apart truly makes the heart grow fonder…I appreciate the graciousness of my mother and the vivacity of my father more than ever before.

 During my last year of high school my aunt and uncle and their two kids (now three) moved around the corner from us. For me, it was the greatest thing in the world having them and the kids so close. My aunt Sadie has been like a sister to me all my life. Growing up, there was not anyone else who I looked up to more or wanted to be just like. She was such an important, amazing part of my life so it was only natural for me to be a part of her kids’ lives. I remember being 14 years old and staying with her oldest McKrae when he was only 2 while she was away a cheer camp. There was never a second thought given to it and I chased him around all week. When her daughter Ainslee was born, she became my little princess, especially after they moved to Cedar. I spent so much time with the kids...and Sadie and Cris supported me in everything I did. We’d have BBQ’s almost every Sunday night. When I left for college, Sadie would have Ainslee call me at least once a week. My biggest fear was always that she was going to forget me. But somehow Sadie made sure that never happened. Every time I came to visit during college, much of the same traditions took place, McKrae and Ainslee kept growing, but the same spirit always existed. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had this fantasy that life could continue on like this forever. I could be far away, but always able to come home for long periods of time.

Like they always do, things changed. While moving to San Diego was the next part of my journey, it also was my first step into adulthood and away from my family. Sadie’s youngest Josilyn was born that New Year and I was only home long enough to see her in the hospital before I drove back to California. When McKrae and Ainslee were born, I was part of much of their early life and I knew that would not be the same for Josilyn. It has been so enjoyable to spend time with her during this trip home. At 18 months, she is absolutely beautiful and although only wants to be with her mom, she makes me smile with her laughs and wobbly walk. As always, I had a wonderful time with my parents and brothers. I am sad to see the week come to an end. It is a bittersweet feeling…on the one hand I can’t wait to get back to my life in San Diego, but on the other, I tear up knowing what I am leaving behind.

Cedar City is one of a kind and a place that is an invaluable piece of my story and journey to a wholehearted life. I am thankful for this trip home, for my family, and the incredible love I feel.

“Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life. No matter what.” –Unknown