Leaf Twenty-five: Coming home

This week I traveled to my hometown to spend time with my family. There is something about Cedar City, Utah that will forever hold a piece of my heart. Although I do not plan to reside there again, it will be place that I always return to. Something I have learned throughout my journey to wholehearted living is about the importance of owning my story. It would be impossible for me to claim who I am without owning where I came from. Since I started fifty-two leaves about six months ago, I have not been back home to visit. I have seen my family on multiple occasions, but there is nothing quite like returning to the place that held you during your most impressionable years. For me, growing up in Cedar City is an experience I would not change for the world. While it has had its pros and cons like any other aspect of my identity, it granted me with incredible gifts that I will cherish for all my life.

 Coming home is a new leaf because I have yet to return with the openness and love for life that has fulfilled me these past six months. I am beginning my seventh year away from the place that raised me. It is hard to believe how quickly time has moved and how much has changed, and how much I have changed since I was 18. When I left, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. I was insecure, scared, but always hopeful. My sense of hope carried me, giving me strength to dig deep and find myself. A part of me used to resent Cedar City. Growing up, I felt out of place, somewhere between a Mormon and not. Throughout my adolescence it was all about “fitting in” and “being normal”. On the outside, I was impeccable at appearing “perfect”, but on the inside I was deeply struggling with a belief system that I could not manage to hold in my heart. Though I desperately wanted to be a “perfect” Mormon like a lot of my peers, there was a stronger part of me that wanted something more.

Throughout the years, I have found that something more…it is my own sense of spirituality. It took a lot to break away from a belief system that held me for much of my early life, but once I moved forward there was no turning back. For me, I believe that religion is something that we come to claim on our own, as we figure out who we are and what we want out of life. Although I tried to make Mormonism mine for many years, I knew in my heart it never would be me, nor do I think any religious institution ever will be again. And I am okay with that. I believe there is something out there bigger than me, whether it’s a God for some or a higher power for others; I know in my heart something connects us all. I see it in my work as a therapist, when I come home to my family, when I visit my mountains, when I run on the beach, in my relationships with friends, and the list goes on and on. To me that is my religion: thriving in life, giving to others, and loving deeply and compassionately.  

This change has aspired over the past few years, but committing to living wholeheartedly added the next piece to the puzzle. Although the journey is never ending, I am able to truly come home…to be me, free and authentic. It has been something I have worked on since I left and I have slowly achieved with each visit. This time was different because for once I understood what home meant in my life. There is a lot that goes into owning my story, Cedar City happens to be a very big piece of it.

Small town life is difficult to put into words…I think to really understand it you actually have to live it for yourself. There is no rush hour, no traffic, you never go anywhere where you don’t know someone, but you can always go somewhere to be completely alone. That is probably something I miss the most about living in Cedar, the ability to escape when you needed too. It is incredibly peaceful to be in place where you can be fully alone with your thoughts, where the air is fresh, and the wind is all you hear. My favorite spot in the world is my cabin located in the mountains about an hour east of Cedar. From the time I was a little girl there has never been a place I longed for more. We visited frequently growing up and it was the one place that always has and still does remain consistent in my life. I miss it dearly, but recognize its value in my life the longer I am away. While I love the beach, the beautiful weather, and the vast opportunities in California, my mountains are irreplaceable and that will never change.

Okay I lied, the thing I miss the most about home is my family. Although coming home often feels like I am 16 again, I cherish the time we have together. We are all very close, probably too close at times, but nonetheless have an unconditional love for one another that never waivers. For me, there is nothing better than family dinners with my parents, my grandma, my two brothers, and our three dogs. We all get each other on the deepest kind of level and don’t even need to exchange words to know what everyone is thinking. Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my family, whether we were at my cabin or on a trip, we did many things together. As a teenager, I wanted my independence and often fought my parents for taking me away from my friends. Now as I look back, I appreciate so much the valuable gifts I have been given from my family. I know my mom misses me dearly and wants me closer, but is finding her way to let me go. Time apart truly makes the heart grow fonder…I appreciate the graciousness of my mother and the vivacity of my father more than ever before.

 During my last year of high school my aunt and uncle and their two kids (now three) moved around the corner from us. For me, it was the greatest thing in the world having them and the kids so close. My aunt Sadie has been like a sister to me all my life. Growing up, there was not anyone else who I looked up to more or wanted to be just like. She was such an important, amazing part of my life so it was only natural for me to be a part of her kids’ lives. I remember being 14 years old and staying with her oldest McKrae when he was only 2 while she was away a cheer camp. There was never a second thought given to it and I chased him around all week. When her daughter Ainslee was born, she became my little princess, especially after they moved to Cedar. I spent so much time with the kids...and Sadie and Cris supported me in everything I did. We’d have BBQ’s almost every Sunday night. When I left for college, Sadie would have Ainslee call me at least once a week. My biggest fear was always that she was going to forget me. But somehow Sadie made sure that never happened. Every time I came to visit during college, much of the same traditions took place, McKrae and Ainslee kept growing, but the same spirit always existed. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had this fantasy that life could continue on like this forever. I could be far away, but always able to come home for long periods of time.

Like they always do, things changed. While moving to San Diego was the next part of my journey, it also was my first step into adulthood and away from my family. Sadie’s youngest Josilyn was born that New Year and I was only home long enough to see her in the hospital before I drove back to California. When McKrae and Ainslee were born, I was part of much of their early life and I knew that would not be the same for Josilyn. It has been so enjoyable to spend time with her during this trip home. At 18 months, she is absolutely beautiful and although only wants to be with her mom, she makes me smile with her laughs and wobbly walk. As always, I had a wonderful time with my parents and brothers. I am sad to see the week come to an end. It is a bittersweet feeling…on the one hand I can’t wait to get back to my life in San Diego, but on the other, I tear up knowing what I am leaving behind.

Cedar City is one of a kind and a place that is an invaluable piece of my story and journey to a wholehearted life. I am thankful for this trip home, for my family, and the incredible love I feel.

“Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life. No matter what.” –Unknown