Leaf Twenty-four: Staying Real

“Staying real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll get to fight. –Dr. Brené Brown

On Monday, my anxiety levels were exceptionally elevated and like usual, my self-critical, need for perfection behaviors were ready to take charge. One of the glorious things about self-exploration and personal growth is the heightened awareness I have emotionally, physically, and psychologically. When I am feeling overwhelmed and insecure, it is becoming easier to identify the numbing factors I typically turn too such as “being perfect”. In class on Monday, I had to give a presentation of one of my cases, one in which I was struggling with, insecure about, and unsure how to be useful to the clients. Once the feedback came in, although constructive and helpful, I felt flooded and broke down into tears. It was the “not being good enough” mentality (per usual) that got to me. One thing that has been especially difficult for me to embrace in my development as therapist is the fact that this is not a field measured by being “good enough”. I have come to realize that there is actually no such thing. Being a therapist is about being real, open, and embracing the constant knowledge put in front of me. It takes years of experience to develop a real understanding of how people work, and even then, each day will be a challenge. As you can imagine, someone like me who has always known how to be “perfect” in situations, jobs, classes, etc., transitioning to accepting the unknown has been a difficult journey. Nonetheless, like I have said before, and like I will continue to say, it has been the most beautiful, thriving, fulfilling process of my life.

After my breakdown in class, I knew I needed to get underneath what I was really going on. While it was rooted in my need for perfectionism, on a deeper level, it was contained in my fear of rejection. So like always, I went on a long run, cleared my head, talked a few things out with my roommate Al, and turned to Brené’s words to get inspired. What it came down to was vulnerability.  And for me, while vulnerability makes me feel more alive than anything else, it also terrifies the shit out of me. For the few days leading up to Monday, I had felt especially vulnerable. I was nervous about my presentation, anxious about future jobs, and experiencing a lot butterflies for an exciting someone I had met a week earlier. My fear of being rejected was present in each situation and instead of being authentic; I felt a need to be accepted and for me, a need acceptance often leads to me feeling insecure. Brené put it nicely, describing that when she enters a situation where her goal is to feel accepted, she typically feels shame. Whereas when her goal is to be real and authentic, she has no regrets. I think this spoke to what I was feeling, when I am scared about getting rejected, I am more likely to feel shame whereas when I chose to be real, and love myself for it, I feel okay regardless of the outcome.

My leaf this week was about staying real. By focusing in on what I was experiencing on Monday, I was able alter my state of mind and have a really great week. There were multiple days where I felt vulnerable, nervous, and scared, but I always made my goal about being authentic and myself. At work, in school, and with the exciting someone I mentioned earlier, I embraced being real and honest. I felt alive this week and although it is too soon to tell where things are going with the exciting someone, it is incredibly refreshing to feel comfortable to be my authentic self with him. As I said earlier, vulnerability is a powerful piece in our lives. It evokes fear and uncertainty. But without it, the deepest, most profound connection would not be possible.