Leaf Forty-four: Gratefulness

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, a creates a vision for tomorrow” –Melody Beattie

 

Given last week’s celebration of Thanksgiving, it is only fitting to dedicate this leaf to gratitude. The quote above speaks quite perfectly to the incredible power valuing and implementing daily gratitude practice has had on my life over the course of the past year. It is moving to see how simply being thankful for this beautiful world brings lasting clarity and peace to my soul. I have experienced joy in a way that opens up my heart to people, places, and things I could not see before. Each morning, I wake with a fondness for life, a love and passion for my family, my job, and my relationships. What a blessing it is to know such a deep hope and a strong sense of faith for what lies ahead.

 

Gratitude brings provides much comfort when the rest of the world around me seems to be spinning. The Thursday before Thanksgiving, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It was a mixture of concern for my dad combined with a long, meaningful week at work. I struggled to put words to what I was experiencing internally, it was not necessarily good or bad, it just was. The tears stirred during my drive home, after my workout, and when I walked in the door. I settled in on my bathroom floor and cried for awhile. There was something soothing to about letting the tears flow and releasing what had been building up. Afterwards, I felt very grateful to be able to feel things so deeply. To be able to encounter such raw emotion without pushing it away is an incredible sensation. I am thankful for my ability to connect to that part of my soul, to understand it, and to look at those feelings without judgment or criticism.

 

I am thankful to have met someone who I am able to give the kind of love that all people deserve. Dallas has been an inspiring person in my life and given me an opportunity to experience something incredible. To be a part of such a genuine, respectful, passionate, real, and patient relationship will forever be one of the greatest blessings I will ever know. I am thankful to be balanced and whole within myself that I am able to encounter such a love. Each day I am especially grateful for knowing Dallas. Gratitude for him has allowed me to stop worrying about what the future holds and instead, engage fully in the moment of being with one another. At the end of the day, sharing those moments with him are what I am thankful for. My hope is that so many others have the opportunity to know that kind of invaluable love.

 

Life has felt crazy with my dad. His inability to recover has been so up and down since the surgery it has been difficult to relax. Some days I fear the worst, others I am angry with the doctors. I think underneath it all, I feel helpless and unsure of how to handle everything.  It has made me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, especially grasping onto those things that are truly important, like my family. I am grateful to have been able to see them the past couple of weeks. The trip home with Dallas and then again last week for Thanksgiving were much needed. I am thankful to be able to be there for my dad; to tell him that I love him and to hug him. It was nice to be there at Thanksgiving because he seemed like his normal self around all our family. He was laughing, teasing, and playing basketball with us like he was feeling 100%. I am thankful for his example and strength. He has laid the foundation for my independence as well as my ability to advocate for who I am. The gratitude I have for his unconditional love and constant support is much more than I can put into words.

 

I am also very grateful for my mom and the relationship we have with one another. She has been so strong throughout the process with my dad. I admire her hope and courage and constant faith. I am thankful to be able to watch her and my dad grow closer during this experience. It is amazing to witness the commitment and love they have for one another. My mom has always been my biggest advocate as well as a consistent form of unwavering support. Her love makes me one of the luckiest girls in the world. I am blessed to have had a woman like her watch over and guide me through my life.

 

Practicing gratitude has allowed me to encounter joy and peace daily. It makes me a stronger, more connected individual and gives me hope for a beautiful life ahead.

Leaf Forty-three: Meeting the Family

A couple weekends ago, Dallas ventured home with me to Cedar City to meet my family for the first time. This was a big step for me because my close-knit family is a bit hesitant in letting significant others in..let's just say my brother's and I's past relationships have not always had the best reputation with my family..haha. I think my mom said it perfectly a while back though, she told me that she wouldn't be ready to let someone in, until she got the sense that they were the right person for us.  Over the past five months, I have gotten to know someone who is absolutely incredible in many ways. Dallas continues to hold my heart with his outgoing spirit and genuine care for me. From early on, I got the sense that he would be able to handle and get along with my family better than anyone I had ever dated before. Though the nerves were there, the excitement to introduce my parents to the man that had captured my heart helped bring me to ease.

More than anything I was anxious to get home to see my dad. He had surgery a few weeks ago and the recovery process was taking longer than anticipated. For all of my life, my dad has always been my rock. I have never seen him anything but strong. Being so far away from home, feeling helpless and knowing he was not doing so well was really starting to get to me. I couldn't imagine my dad stuck in a hospital bed, and for those of you who know him, we all know he wasn't making the greatest patient. I was also somewhat scared to see him down and weak. Knowing my emotional self, I did not know if I would be able to keep it together, but feared my dad seeing me cry.

The day we left, I was so incredibly thankful to have Dallas by my side. His willingness to travel with me to Utah to be with my family meant so much. Since my dad had been put back into the hospital our trip home was a bit chaotic. My grandparents had to pick us up at the airport, then we met my mom, stopped at the hospital to see my dad, then finally made it to Cedar City. Dallas never once seemed to be uncomfortable. He went along with the crazy flow of things that , always squeezing my hand and kissing my forehead. Those simple gestures made everything okay throughout the trip.

Dallas fit in quite well with everyone. I could tell my mom was falling for his easy-going presence and kind heart. There is something about this guy that makes everything more fun, warmer, and a great time. For me, I enjoyed so much bringing him home...I knew this was different than in past relationships because I felt 100% at ease despite early nerves. Dallas is truly someone special. Someone I am so incredibly thankful to have in my life. He loves me in a way that I have never been loved before. We have developed a mutual respect for one another that seems to bring us closer each day.

 

 

 

 

Leaf Forty-two: A Worthy Fight

My leaf this week is inspired by my younger brother Kaden and his incredible courage to speak up for what he believes in. As I read the words of an essay he wrote for his 12^th grade English class, I was moved by what he was willing to put onto paper knowing that it might not be well received by his classmates and teachers. While I think the predominately Mormon community we were raised in likes to believe they are open-minded to others who are “different”, the reality is, it is extremely challenging to not meet the normal criteria of what makes up a family. As children, my brothers and I did not really think about religion and our identity. I think it became apparent to all three of us when we entered adolescence that being Mormon meant something.

 

Unlike Kaden, my senior year of high school mostly consisted of wearing the “mask” that allowed me to be like all my peers. While deep down I knew Mormonism was not a lifestyle I identified with, I was too insecure to speak up. It is incredible to see the confidence Kaden has and the belief he maintains for his identity. I am so proud that he was able to put into words what brings him peace. The essay he wrote was based on the premise of being in a cave and unable to get out. Kaden identified the Mormon Church as the cave that prevented him from getting in touch with his real self.

 

The most compelling part of my brother’s essay was his compassion and openness to the world around him. He writes:

 

“Religion has nothing to do with how a person acts on the inside, and putting a label on them makes us avoid meeting or even giving them an opportunity to prove themselves. Nobody should be over looked, including Mormons. The world should just treat each other as contemporaries because we’re all human and nobody can change that”.

 

Here I think he speaks to the very essence of why we are placed on this earth, to connect and engage in the human experience because that is what spirituality truly is—engaging together. Like my brother believes, I believe that connection can be possible through many different outlets, religions,…basically whatever brings a person a sense of fulfillment and peace. When someone advocates that their religion or belief system is better than another’s they are no longer valuing the human condition. As my brother explains, we all are worthy, regardless of where we come from or what we believe. We all have the capacity to be genuine, spiritual beings because we are human.

 

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Pierr Teilhard de Chardin (I used this quote a few weeks ago when I talked about My Church, couldn't help but put it on here again)

 

Leaf Forty-two is about a worthy fight for what I believe. As I learned growing up in the Mormon Church, we are supposed to discover the “truth” for ourselves. Yet, like my brother spoke about in his essay, the “truth”, was driven into our brains from a young age, so we did not have much of a choice. When I left my community seven years ago, I devoted much of my journey to personal growth and spiritual discovery. I wanted to find the peace that I knew was out there for me. It was not a peace that came from a religion that dictated what I wore, drank, who I married, etc. It from the relationships I had with others who believed differently than me. From the beauty I saw in the world around me. From the experiences of the LGBTQ community that I encountered. When I let go of the Mormon religion, I connected to humanity, I discovered my God.

 

The higher power I believe in does not reside in the boundaries, books, and rules of the Mormon Church. I have much respect for those individuals part of the religion and the peace it brings them. But I believe that it is okay to believe different. I searched, l prayed, and I discovered a different truth. For me, spirituality is consistently a part of my life. I see it in my work, my relationships, and the beauty of the world around me. I may not go to a specific church every Sunday, but I practice gratitude and love daily. I know that being a good person and living a genuine life requires conscious effort. The moment I chose my path, I felt more prepared for the challenges than anything that had been dictated for me.

 

Although I stopped practicing Mormonism several years ago, my membership was still documented on church records. I never gave it a second thought until I started my journey to a wholehearted life. I value holding myself accountable and having the courage to speak up. There was something about belonging to belief system that I did not agree with that went against my premise of living wholeheartedly. A couple months ago I requested that my name be removed from membership records. I sought out information from others who had engaged in the same process and composed a letter. A week letter, I received a letter back from the church stating that my request could only be granted by meeting with a church official. I sent another letter advocating for my rights and that I wanted my name removed. A couple of weeks later I received an email from a Mormon Bishop in my area requesting I contact him. I felt annoyed and frustrated that my request was not respected, but wanting the process to be finished, I emailed the Bishop back.

 

Long story short, the emails between the Bishop and I went back and forth for a couple weeks. Each time I requested for my name to be removed, supported with points, and was very respectful. Each response back in some way seemed to be a manipulative attempt to get me to reconsider. In one particular email he had the audacity to use my profession as a means to address my decision to leave the church. Needless to say, I was absolutely livid to his comments. Rather than considering my humanity, I was judged based on my decision to leave the church. These emails provided further confirmation for my reasoning for not wanting to be a part of the church. I refuse to believe in something that cannot be accepting of another’s value system. In the end, I continued to demonstrate respect and advocate for my rights and eventually my request was granted.

 

I had a couple friends ask me if this was really worth the all the effort and time. What did it matter if my name was on membership records or not, it wasn’t like I was practicing Mormonism? Initially, these were my thoughts too, and I remember thinking that the process was taking too much time and energy. But then I remembered what I had been working on for the past eleven months and not taking action would be going against my foundation of fifty-two leaves. This was a worthy fight. Too often we give up on the things that require work. It was uncomfortable emailing back and forth with someone who believed I was making a fatal mistake. I became angry when he judged my character. But I embraced my courage, held strongly to my worthy heart, and stood up for what I believed.