Leaf Fifty-two: It's Only the Beginning

It’s hard to know where to start as the feeling of accomplishing what I set out to do this past year is a bit surreal. The time has flown by, but the transformation of my soul is one that will last a lifetime. One of the greatest lessons fifty-two leaves has taught me is that living wholeheartedly is a never ending journey. Rather than fulfilling a goal and moving on to the next, I have established a lifestyle that requires consistent faith, self-exploration, and connection with those around me. I feel an overwhelming sense of spirituality at this time, something that I never knew before. The gratitude for life that holds my heart allows me to see the meaning in each day, showing me how to connect to the moments that are worth living for. I will forever look back on 2012 and smile, for it was the year that I discovered who Ash truly is and what she is capable of. Thank you to all who supported me, inspired my writing, and came along for the ride.

 

Today, I am recognizing where I started, as it set the foundation for what took place this past year. If anyone is to take anything from my journey, I hope they remember the words of Dr. Brené Brown, “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough”. We are all enough, today, right now. Worthy of love, both for ourselves and others. The hardest thing I think we will ever overcome in this lifetime is the battle that takes place within ourselves. It was not until I decided to love me, my imperfections and all, that I was able to truly live. One lesson that I bring consistently into my work, is that of self-love. From personal experience, I know that until we have a loving relationship with our own soul, we are unable to truly know that type of relationship elsewhere.

 

“It’s the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking for it!” –Unknown

 

Before fifty-two leaves, I searched for Ash through external experiences. If someone could love me, than that meant I was worthy. I was continuously let down, feeling worse with each rejection, whether it was a significant other, family member, or friend, I depended on their feedback for my own self-love. One of the greatest things to come from fifty-two leaves is the relationship I now have with myself. It may sound a bit narcissistic, but I believe with my whole heart that we are only able to love others as much as we love ourselves. The compassion I have for my faults and mistakes have helped me overcome much shame. It is taught me how to teach others how to cultivate appreciation for who they are. Most importantly, it has taught me how to love. The moment I stopped looking for my heart everywhere else and turned inward, I discovered an everlasting peace.

 

With that peace, I have been able to cultivate meaning into my life. My relationships with my family and friends and others around me have never been stronger. I seek connection for the right reasons, rather than hoping others will tell me I am “lovable”. Because I know I am worthy, I am able to give incredible compassion and love to those around me. My work as a therapist has transformed, allowing me to create an environment for others to heal. I am so humbled by the experiences of my clients, their strength and the courage they have to share their stories. I have discovered a love for a man who makes me a better person. Who challenges me every day, makes me laugh, and has taught me what it means to truly love another. Dallas gives me hope for relationships, that as we come to love ourselves we are able to thrive with our partners.

 

Gratitude is the driving force behind fifty-two leaves. Being grateful, and seeking out gratefulness, has filled my heart in an invaluable way. The ritual of practicing gratitude in my life fuels my wholehearted journey. Although my fifty-two leaves are coming to a close, the spirit that has been created will continue to live on forever. It takes practice every single day to know that I am worthy, that I deserve to be loved. Life is full of challenges, ups that feel so high, and downs that make it seem like the world is falling apart. To be happy and healthy is to not be free of those downs, it is to realize that we all have them and if we believe in ourselves, love who we are, we can overcome anything.

 

While this seems like the end, for me, it is only the beginning. Tune in for words to come, I am thinking of titling my next blog…My Wholehearted Life. Happy New Year!