Leaf Four: Speaking Up

Each day I try in some way to implement wholehearted living in my life, while constantly remembering that I am enough. Having a new leaf for the past four weeks has held me accountable for the changes I want to make and I am truly enjoying getting outside my comfort zone, which has allowed me to become very aware of what I want for myself. My inspiration this week comes from my good friend and colleague, Lily. We have been studying together nonstop for our comprehensive exams for the past few weeks and I owe her much of my sanity.  I have taken advantage of any free moments as well as the opportunity for great conversation. Lily and I were talking the other night about our need to live perfect lives and how often it impacts our ability to embrace ourselves as we are. As my conversations with her typically go, Lily helped me recognize a deeper part of myself that often gets in the way of my happiness.

 

In thinking about perfection, I identified within myself that I have difficulty standing up for what I want out of fear of being perceived as imperfect. For me, the thought of having others view me as confrontational is terrifying. It is easier to simply go with the flow and not say anything. As I thought about what happens for me during these moments, I realize that by not speaking up, I bottle the emotion only leaving it to break through later on. It’s a self-defeating cycle because my exhausting efforts to be perfect cause me to have an emotional breakdown, which makes me upset at myself, which then encourages me to continue to strive for perfection. Recognizing this pattern and that its root cause is embedded in my unconscious need to be perceived as “perfect” has been empowering for me. I realize the only way I am going to break free, is to interrupt the cycle head on.

 

I read this quote the other night and I thought it fit with exactly what I wanted to accomplish this week:

"He who does not have the courage to speak up for his rights cannot earn the respect  of others"

          -Rene G. Torres.

 I realize the importance of finding my voice in situations that are meaningful to me as it paves the way for respect from others. Speaking up doesn’t mean that I have to be confrontational; it means that I am not going to be passive. Looking back, I can identify so many times when I do not say or do what I want out of fear of causing any discomfort for others. In reality, I am only causing discomfort for myself. Leaf four is about taking initiative for what I want out of life and not worrying so much about what others will think. This week I have been finding my voice in various situations, whether it’s something simple like saying where I want to go to dinner or something more important like standing up to the passive-aggressive behavior of another. Thank you to Lily for helping me recognize that it is okay to speak up and be who I am.

Leaf Three: Spending more time with great friends!

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down”. –Oprah Winfrey

 
My life is blessed with so many incredible friendships.

The friends I have made over the years have become my family, my inspiration, and my support system.  Most days I wonder how I ever went a second without knowing each one of them. They have shaped me into the person I am today and are so much a part of my journey.  Unfortunately, it has been too easy to get caught up with work, school, and “my routine” that I haven’t seen them nearly enough. As I embark on this new chapter in my life to live wholeheartedly, I believe it is only possible by spending time with people that make me who I am. Happiness for me is about engaging with those friends that have always been next me on the bus and helped me get to where I am at today. This week, my third leaf is a trip to L.A. to embrace a friendship I could not imagine my life without.

Stephen has been a part of my life ever since my first day of college and it would have been impossible to get through those four years without him. Although Stephen only lives a couple hours away, we haven’t seen each other nearly enough. We do very well to stay in touch, but I don’t think anything can compare to a great night out together. My favorite part about seeing Stephen is that no matter how long it’s been we never skip a beat. We always pick up right where we left off and truly enjoy one another’s company. In college, we used to do go on run a together almost every week and I will never forget some of our conversations. I miss those days!! Stephen has always been a friend that has had my best interest at heart and at times known me better than I have known myself. I am so incredibly thankful for his friendship and example in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that he would be next me on that bus. This week’s leaf is dedicated to him and to weekend full of great conversation and laughs!

Leaf Two: Volleyball

This week, I finally started playing volleyball again, something I have been meaning to do ever since I moved to San Diego a year and a half ago. Somehow I let my busy life and need for an uninterrupted routine get in the way of doing what I loved. A big thanks goes out to my co-worker, Yasi, for helping me get the ball rolling. She has been asking me to come play ever since we started working together in September, but as usual, I always had something "more important" that I needed to be doing. This time when she asked me to join a Tuesday night league I jumped at the opportunity and could not think of a better second leaf to my wholehearted lifestyle. It was a bit nerve-racking going to the gym not really knowing anyone on my team, but I embraced the moment and definitely got out of my comfort zone. And I am SO happy I did. It felt great to get away from my routine, to meet new people and to be able to play something I love. I am really looking forward to Tuesday nights for the next few months and am already planning how I will keep playing after the league ends!

My inspiration also comes from another one of my co-workers, Michael, who gave a tranining on Thursday about embracing our authentic selves. I thought his topic fit perfectly with my new mindset towards life as well as my goal to love and accept parts of myself as they are. During the training, he asked us to think about peak experiences we have had in our life, moments where we felt completely connected to what we were doing. For me, volleyball has been one of those peak experiences. My club team in college was definitely one of a kind. We had a connection with one another that will always be irreplaceable. My teammates taught me the importance of having fun. We were competive and worked very hard, but we always found a way to have a great time off the court. These moments shared with them made me reflect on where I am now and how I am incorporating what I learned from my team. I realize that my busy lifestyle has caused me to forget about having fun and doing what I love. I have really stopped being my authentic self. The lesson I take this week is from the girls that helped me realize how to let loose. Leaf two is dedicated to having fun, doing more of what I love, and loving who I am.

Leaf One: Becoming a Blogger

What is Fifty-two Leaves? Simply put, it is my New Year’s resolution, to experience a new leaf each week for an entire year. Why?  Well there are many different people, places, and things that have inspired me to foster a new kind of living. A few months back I began to re-evaluate my life and identify where the deep meaningful moments had occurred. I realized that when I took chances, reached out to someone new and embraced the present moment, I truly felt fulfilled. Unfortunately, my busy lifestyle and need for perfection limited my ability to experience those opportunities. It has always been easier to play it safe and stick to my routine.

 Around the same time I had this inner wake up call, I was introduced to an empowering book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brené Brown. Utlimately, Dr. Brown changed my preception of life through her words. She provides a touching and inspiring story about being able to accept ourselves for who we are, including our imperfections, and to implement wholehearted living in our lives.  According to Dr. Brown, “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough”.  The book has inspired me to embrace and accept the parts of myself that I never have before as well as to live wholeheartedly.

At first, my goal was to take on a new leaf by trying to experience more of the world around me and working to breakfree of my need to "play it safe". As I thought more about what I wanted and the changes I planned to implement in my life, I realized that wholehearted living does not happen with one leaf, but requires a lifelong journey. Fifty-two leaves is a blog dedicated to the beginning of my journey. Each week is about trying something new, whether big or small, my hope is to break my daily routine and to do something that I wouldn’t typically do. 

 For my first leaf, I created this blog. I wanted to be able to share my experiences as well as gain inspiration from others. I have always been fascinated by bloggers and their stories, but have never had the courage to put my own experiences into words. Today is my first step to embracing a wholehearted life, so thank you for reading! I look forward sharing the many more leaves ahead!