Leaf Sixteen: Somebody that I used to Know

Four months into my journey happens to mark my 24^th birthday. Typically my birthday week is busy, exciting, and my favorite time of year (go figure…haha). But for a lot of reasons, last week was uneventful, a bit depressing, and reflective period. The weekend before I was on ultimate high, celebrating the wedding between my amazing cousin Lorenzo and his beautiful bride and my incredible friend for life, Ky. I am still at a loss for words for how to describe the event besides that it was absolutely perfect. I am thankful for being able to share the moment with the fabulous couple as well as many family and friends. Needless to say, it made coming back to reality a little more difficult. I was recovering from the side effects of too much alcohol coupled with the recognition of a fairytale love story and how I was currently single…haha...what helped ease the depression was group text messages between the bridesmaids revealing similar feelings. I am amazed daily with the power of connecting with others…it helps ease even the silliest types of discomfort.
 

I knew I wanted my leaf last week to be about turning 24. I wanted to talk about the changes I have made over the past sixteen weeks and how this was going to be a new year. But I could never sit down to write anything. Last week was what I considered a “down week” and I did not feel like I had anything exciting to share. Today, after doing what Dr. Brown refers to as “digging deep”, I got inspired, went on a long run, and broke down what was going on last week. Four months ago, I began a journey to free myself from being governed by the judgments of others,  a need for perfection, and constant internal criticism. As I reflected on last week…I realized that the someone I used to know (the part of myself that I was working hard to cut off) was reappearing. Instead of taking care of myself, I exercised less, ate ridiculous amounts of food, and did not have self-compassion. My problem was not that my “old self” had reappeared, but that I had let bad habits get the best of me.

It’s funny because last week in many ways represents the beauty of imperfection…that sometimes those weeks just happen. The problem arises when we let ourselves be defined them. I am learning that I can’t simply cut things out of my life, but need to understand why they happened in the first place. My wholehearted journey is about recognizing that the past is what makes the future possible. I can only get where I am going by embracing where I have been. My birthday this year is about meeting the someone I used to know, understanding her, and moving forward. This journey is not about hating where I came from, but rather, a desire to love where I am going.

 My sixteenth leaf is inspired by Goyte’s song “Somebody that I Used to Know”. During my run today, I listened to it on repeat for about 40 minutes. Music is probably one of my favorite things in the world. Once I find a song I love, I will overplay it and find some sort of way to apply its meaning to my life. For this song I was initially drawn to the beat and the flow of the words. The rhythm kept me going on my run and also fueled my thoughts. The words speak to me in a way that represents the significance of understanding both sides of the story in a relationship. I believe that relationships permeate every aspect of our life (hence why I am going to school to be a marriage and family therapist). On my journey to wholehearted living I need to embrace and understand both sides of my story … why I sought out perfectionism and self-doubt in the past to now finding myself indulging in mindfulness, passion, and love.

In the song, I am not sure who is right or wrong. Mostly I think it is about figuring out who you are and what you want. I have lived on both sides of my story and this week, I am remembering to love where I came from and actively recognizing that it represents where I am going. There are many days when I feel compelled to revert to my “old self”… where it is easier to try to be perfect than to breakdown the meaning of a situation. And my perfectionism did have its perks at times. My room was always clean, my notes/files/everything in my life was organized and color coordinated. The downside to this was feeling constantly on-edge—I was always motivated to get things done, but never able to enjoy the simple moments. Change is a process; it takes time, mistakes, and faith. We can only go forward if we are able to understand what holds us back. Somebody I used to know will always be there, I am not cutting that part of me out of my story, but learning how to recognize it and decipher it’s meaning in my life.

Leaf Fifteen: Crossing Borders

This past week I visited Tijuana Mexico with my Human Diversity class...it is an experience I will cherish for a lifetime and a place I plan to revisit in the future. It is so easy to take for granted the life we live, the freedoms we have, and the luxuries we are blessed with. Roughly thirty minutes from my house exists a different world...a place where people find a way to thrive on a minimum wage of $6.00 per day. Reflecting on my trip across the border and my anxieties before leaving...I am a humbled person. Traveling to Tijuana is my new leaf this week as it embodies the power of human connection, which is a core piece of wholehearted living.
 
Several months ago when my diversity class began it was announced that we would be traveling to Tijuana in April to complete a service project. The trip was what my professor deemed as an immersion experience where we would dive deep into a different culture. I remember having many mixed feelings about the excursion. I was worried and fearful. Never before have I thought to cross to TJ. According to what I saw on the news and the viewpoints of my parents, TJ was not a safe place. The reality was I had no idea what to expect and one of my biggest fears in life is to be in another country when chaos happens. Initially, I pushed those thoughts aside and would not address them until a few days before the trip.
 
In completing wholehearted work, I am learning to explore my emotions on a deeper level. I am making contact with uncomfortable feelings and addressing what is really going on. As my trip to TJ neared, I felt extremely anxious. What would it be like over there? What if something happened? How do I tell my parents I'm going? As I broke down my worries, I realized they were rooted in fear and ignorance. My judgment of TJ was based on what society had told me..not what I had seen for myself. I realized this trip was about so much more than crossing borders. It was about understanding and embracing a culture of people who were practically my neighbors, yet I had never ventured south of National City. Although my fears and anxieties were present, I knew this trip was not about me. I believe in the power of sharing, seeing, and hearing stories of others. What is more powerful than being immersed in an environment different than what I have ever known?
 
On Tuesday morning, i had the opportunity to engage in an experience with my whole heart. We arrived at the border and walked across to meet up  with JC, our guide for the day, who took us to the yellow school bus we would be traveling on. The bus ride was uncomfortable and bumpy, but it allowed me to see a large portion of Tijuana. I could not stop looking out the windows...I was amazed by the diversity of the community. On one side of the road there were shacks on top of shacks and across the street there was  well-maintained, upscale shopping center. What was considered a "middle-class" community could have passed for homelessness in the United States. What amazed me was how little people needed to live on. Owning property with a small shack on the land equipped with running water and electricity was luxury.
 
We spent the first part of our morning visiting a school in rural Tijuana. Several women were attending a nutrition program offered after they dropped their kids off at school. The organization JC worked for had put together educational programs for the community to cultivate healthy living. I learned that border towns like TJ have higher rates of obesity, heart disease and diabetes. What happens is the cheapest food is fast, processed food. The goal of the program is to educate families about nutrition, recycling, and other sustainable efforts. Nutrition is another one of those things I take for granted. I know how to eat healthy and am for the most part able to eat that way on a daily basis. One of the goals in the program is to help families establish their own vegetable garden for produce. One of the women shared how rewarding this has become for her family. It has helped them save money as well as brought them closer together. What seems so simple has such power for these women.
 
The highlight of the trip was visiting a community center that provides lunch for children. Many families have two working parents and/or cannot afford to provide lunch for there children. This center helps alleviate that burden, providing over 2,500 lunches per week for children in the community. Upon arriving at the center, the leaders were especially receptive and delighted to have us there. We helped out by painting walls in two of the classrooms and played with the children awaiting lunches. There is something so profound about providing service to others. Our painting skills were far from professional, but they were received with incredible gratitude from those at the center.
 
My favorite part of the day was playing with the children. One thing I realized during this trip was the power of play. Smiling, encouragement, and kindness has no limitations...it is the same language across cultures and it was amazing to see it in action. Human connection is an invaluable phenomenon...one thing I think children know how to do best. Their innocence allows them to love with their whole hearts. Playing soccer and jump roping with the kids will be a moment I'll hold onto forever. It was one of those times where I felt completely alive by simply being present.
 
 
"We build too many walls and not enough bridges" - Isaac Newton
 
Our final stop of the trip was at the beach...where the United States and Mexico meet...what separates the two is a large, metal wall. Never in my life have I witnessed or felt such a strong symbol of power. After being a part of the culture for the day and engaging with people in the community, the boundary and presence of the wall stung. To me it represented  ignorance and  intolerance. It was about creating separation, not unity, and sending the message that "I'm better than you" to those on the other side.  It made me think twice about what I called freedom. I just had spent the day interacting with incredible, soulful people...children....who because of their nationality would never be embraced in my country. Those feelings were especially difficult to sit with.

It has been hard to wrap my head around everything I experienced a few days ago. The disdain cultivated against our neighbors gets under my skin. I am a dreamer, an individual who believes all people are capable of love and connection. If only we would open are hearts and minds to the experiences of those around us what would our world look like? I will never understand hate or cruelty. I will never understand why someone can decide they are better than others. But I will never lose hope. I have faith and value storytelling. I believe that through small, ordinary moments we can change lives...we just need to find the courage to step out. I am deeply grateful to the people I encountered in Tijuana. I am moved and inspired to be able to hold their stories.
 

Leaf Fourteen: Understanding the things that get in the way

“They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself”

–Andy Warhol

When I started this journey I did not know what to expect, nor did I have a clear map of what I was going to be doing. All I knew is that I was making a change, taking a leap, and putting faith in myself to figure it out. Fourteen weeks later… I feel different … I feel stronger … I feel a freedom I never knew existed. As I reflected this past week on what was happening, the changes that I noticed occurring in my life, I became overwhelmed with emotion. My eyes filled up with tears as I thought about the self-criticism I carried for so many years. The inability I had to be self-compassionate and loving towards who I was. How did I live in shame for who I am for so long?

These feelings came up heavy. Not in a negative manner, but in an I-need-to-know-what-is-going-on sort of way. During the week, I typically read a chapter out of Dr. Brown’s book. It helps ground me and work through the difficult days. Tonight I read her chapter on the things that get in the way of our ability to live wholeheartedly. Whether I was looking for my answer or whether it is actually what is happening, the chapter helped me wrap my head around my inner transformation. For the first time in my life I am owning my story… I am practicing what Dr. Brown refers to as “shame resiliency”… the best part is I did not even realize it was happening.

From this chapter, I took away an important message:

One of the strongest components to shame resiliency is being able to take about what shame means. This is not easy. I hate feeling ashamed. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with who I am. As I look back on how I lived before, I realized that shame ran my life. My fear and inability to talk about it allowed shame to have all the power. How did I break free? I started loving myself, my vulnerabilities, and my imperfections.  I also started talking about shame. I began to open up to those who were worthy to hear my story. Instead of running from the pain or uneasiness I feel in a situation, I work to understand the meaning. It’s an ongoing process as feeling shame is a normal human experience, but it does not have to control who we are. I am learning that lesson every day in so many different ways. I am finally understanding a deeper part of myself and being okay with the difficult things that come up along the way.

The other night I ran into a guy that I dated for about a month in the summer. At the time, I thought he was absolutely dreamy, smart, funny, and he had the cutest dog. I remember being anxious and insecure and now wanting to screw it up. I was terrified of my imperfections showing, yet, did more things with him that got me outside my comfort shell than ever before. Long story short, he ended up calling it off with a text message and that was it. I remember feeling so discouraged, upset, and hurt, but mostly ashamed. Like there was something a matter with me. I wanted to respond back to his text with something rude and belittling. Something stopped me though and instead I wished him the best and deleted his number from my phone. Seeing him the other night stirred up those difficult emotions again. Normally I would have run and hid…I would not have talked to him or said hi. It is always easier to run from the shame. But I am no longer in a place where I need to run. I walked up, gave him a hug, said what was on my mind and decided it was okay. Yes, it hurt, it made me feel crappy that this guy was not interested in me. That’s normal though. And for the first time, I am okay with that. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me…it means that I’m human and that rejection hurts.

I shared this story because I think it speaks to a place that I have never been able to reach until now. As I dive into my heart, as I understand the things that get in the way, I am powerful, I am free.

Leaf Thirteen: Alive in the Sand

My indoor volleyball league ended a few weeks ago and like I promised myself in my first blog post about volleyball, I made sure to continue to play. Playing volleyball grounded me. It helped me reconnect to a part of myself that I had been missing for a while. I really enjoyed the league I played in and was able to meet and make connections with so many different people. It was a great experience that left me confident to spread my wings and take on a new challenge. Beach volleyball has always been something that I have really wanted to become involved in since I moved to San Diego. Unfortunately, I let me fear of incompetence and busy routine get in the way of trying something new. Over the past few weeks I have been waking up early and heading to the beach for a volleyball clinic. I thought I loved the sport before, but there is something about the sand, the ocean air, and playing what I love that I cannot get enough of…not to mention is probably one of the best workouts I have ever had!! It has been a challenge adjusting from indoor to beach and there are a lot of skills I need to make adjustments and improvements on. But one thing that I have noticed, which I attribute to my wholehearted journey, is that I have been able to let go of my self-criticalness and fear of being perceived as inadequate. A big thanks goes out to Coach Heather, who creates an incredible, warm, and welcoming environment to learn in. She is an amazing motivator and example. I love her passion and commitment to the sport. Although I cannot give a lot of time during the week to play, I value my Friday mornings. The small changes to my routine have a large impact on my well-being. I am happier, healthier, more courageous and self-compassionate. Instead of being hard on myself for not having enough time, I LOVE the moments I get to play and learn. As Dr. Brown continually reminds me in her book, wholehearted living is a process. I am engaging in that process right now, taking baby steps to make lifelong changes, which include embracing the good days with the bad. I’m feeling the impact of my journey. I am feeling alive. This week I leave you with a quote Dr. Brown shares in her book, which I believe speaks to us on such a deep level: 

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive” –Howard Thurman