Leaf Eight: Sing Like No One’s Listening

Honestly, I am almost in disbelief about last week’s leaf. I stepped out of my comfort zone more than I ever have before. I mean, I love to sing, but in the confinements of my car and shower… never publically. Friday night was a new leaf on a completely different level, but I have to say, I loved every moment of it. I was hanging out with some new friends at their apartment and the next thing I knew they had the karaoke going. They started joking around about how I had to sing so I could officially be initiated… I quickly dismissed those remarks and stated I was simply enjoying the show. I found myself thinking about why I couldn’t just get up there and sing … I came to the conclusion that a: I can’t sing and b: I would “never” have the confidence to do such a thing. I quickly realized that my reasons were rooted in my insecurities and fears of what others would think of me. Immediately, fifty-two leaves came into mind and I knew I would be singing before the night was over. I had done karaoke in the past with a bunch of girlfriends, but never alone. I don’t think I even really know how my singing voice sounds. Nonetheless, I found my song and did not look back. It was absolutely terrifying and a complete adrenaline rush all at the same time. It will be one of those moments I never forget and definitely reminded me of why I started this journey. I have a new openness and love for life… it is incredible and brings me the kind of happiness that lingers long after the moment has passed. I encourage you all to get out this week and do something you never would have before … you’ll surprise yourself about what you are capable of!!!!

Leaf Seven: Embracing who I am

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not” –Author Unknown

I came across this quote the other night and found that it really spoke truth to what I have been trying to overcome. On an intrapersonal level fifty-two leaves has really helped me work through my internal criticism and insecurities. I am able to better embrace my flaws and accept the imperfections. However, I notice I am still having trouble letting go of my need for perfection with work and school. It is easier to let go of things when I am only worrying about myself, but when I have to consider the viewpoints and possible judgments of those around me, I find that I am quicker to strive for perfection as it helps me avoid being perceived “badly”. Lately, my new mindset has helped me compensate for this, but last week was more stressful than others and I watched old habits creep in. What is different though is my ability to better recognize how the cycle makes me feel. With that awareness I was able to breakdown what was going on and overcome the negative thoughts of myself. This also helped me realize that when I get stuck in the process of trying to be somebody I think I am not, I am unable to be who I truly am. This creates missed opportunities both professionally and interpersonally. What I am beginning to recognize is that if I never give myself credit for the hard work I do, I will never be able to see what I have done. This week, probably for the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. Not in an arrogant sort of way, but in a way where I actually identified the accomplishments and invaluable experiences I have had for simply being me.

My leaf this week is dedicated to my best friend Lex, who was the first person to truly love every part of me. When you share a room with someone for four years it is pretty difficult to hide your imperfections…so let’s just say Lex saw every side of me. What never wavered, was her unconditional love for me. She was always there to pick me up when I fell down. She had my back when someone hurt me. She made me laugh. She would stay up all night talking to me about anything.  If it wasn’t for Lex, not only would I have dropped out of college, but I would have ever been able to love myself. There will never be enough words to express my gratitude and love for her. She taught me so much about life and being proud of who I am. Lex is more than a friend; she is my partner in life. It doesn’t matter where she is, I know without a doubt she would drop everything to support me. We always joke about how our husbands will have to marry both of us, but seriously it’s true…I can’t imagine any part of my life without her. Thank you Lex, for being the greatest friend, support system, and example a woman could ask for. Looking forward to spending the weekend with you as well as the rest of our life!!!

Leaf Six: Running Wholeheartedly

This week I indulged in a beach run at one of my favorite spots in San Diego. Typically, I stick to the loop around my house, but how boring is that? I live about 10 minutes from the beach, 20 minutes from this particular spot, and I haven’t been taking advantage of it nearly enough. It is crazy to me how easy it is to neglect the gifts that are right in front of me. I love running, especially in San Diego, especially on or near the beach, yet I am quick to stick with the easy route because it is more convenient. Today during my run, I made a promise to myself to enjoy more moments like this. To wake up an extra hour earlier so I can fit in a beach run before a long day at work. Who knows how much longer I will have the opportunity to have the beach so close? Now is the time to love what is right in front of me.

Six weeks into my new adventure and I absolutely love life. There is an amazing freedom that comes with letting go of past insecurities, mundane routines, and perfection. It has been extremely powerful for me to watch the transformation of myself that has occurred in this journey to self-compassion. I think it is so difficult to take a step back sometimes and realize how quickly life is going to pass us by if we never stop to embrace the present moment. I have still my bad days. There are times when I’m self-critical and have feelings of inadequacy, but I have noticed that those days are happening less and are not has difficult as they have been in the past. It is my wish that everyone has the opportunity to enjoy what is right in front of them, to take advantage of it and not sweat the small things. It takes time and effort, but I can honestly say this has been the greatest six weeks of my life.

Leaf Five: Everday I'm Shufflin'

My escapades this past weekend truly embody my goal to live in the moment and experience the freedom of my own self-criticism. After a long day of work and studying on Friday, I decided I needed to take a break. I was feeling the strain of my routine and took advantage of meeting up with some friends in Mission Beach. Typically this kind of behavior would be completely against my strict rules as I have a very important test coming up. I am realizing, however, that those important things become more important when I am in a happy, healthy place internally. So Friday night I indulged in time for myself and did it without feeling guilty. It turned out to be one of the better decisions I’ve made. It felt great to be around people and although I really only knew one person, I took advantage of making new friends.  There was also great music playing and dancing happens to be one for my favorite things to do. Mostly it happens in my room or when I am out with all my girls.  This Friday there was not many people on the dance floor and being six feet tall I knew I would stand out like a sore thumb.  Remembering my new mindset, I decided to make my way out to the dance floor where I happened to make a new friend who was not only a fantastic dancer, but a great teacher as well. Normally I would be too shy to dance in a bar where no one else is really dancing and would be even shyer to ask for someone to teach me their moves.... Well not this time. I have literally been fascinated with shuffling ever since I knew it existed. I wanted to learn, but that would mean getting out of my comfort zone, possibly being imperfect…basically all the things I try to avoid. Anyways, long story short, I learned to shuffle and I had probably one of the best Friday night’s in a long time. It felt so good to be out, mingling with people, and not worrying about what the world thought and more importantly, not worrying about what I thought. Leaf five is dedicated to dancing, both figuratively and literally. I want to keep on dancing in all areas of my life. Here’s to living in the moment and embracing the people, places and things around me. Until next week, I hope you all find a way to dance! J