Leaf Twenty-seven: Simply Thankful

I have had a hard time putting leaf twenty-seven into words. Over the past week or so, it has been difficult for me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. The best way I can think to describe what I am experiencing is this: a sensation of comforting warmth.  I feel connected to the world around me in a deeper more spiritual way and I find myself noticing and appreciating the loveliest, most simple things that surround my life.

My leaf this week is about gratefulness. One of the things that Dr. Brené Brown talks about as being necessary to a wholehearted life is taking the time to incorporate gratitude practice daily. She states that those who live wholeheartedly, despite busy, hectic, stressful days, remember to save a moment to say, “I am grateful for…”. For Brené, this simple practice is how we keep gratitude alive within us.

Simply thankful was ignited during a conversation Dallas and I were having about higher power and what keeps us grounded in our lives. He shared that every night he says a prayer of gratitude for the place he is at in his life and the gifts he has been given. This moved me in a powerful way as Dallas was willing to share a deeper part of himself and to see the absolute thankfulness he maintains for his life. I think this is exactly what Brené would call gratitude practice. With that in mind, I began to think about the ways in which I cultivated gratitude in my life. I feel thankful daily, but how do I keep it alive?

My goal since Dallas and I’s conversation that night was to notice and take in the glorious world I encounter daily. Never before have I felt more appreciative of the simple, yet most captivating moments around me.

Running is my sanctuary. It calms me. It moves me. There is no other time when I feel more free. During my runs this week, with gratitude in mind, I took the opportunity to release what I needed to, but to also soak in the beautiful place around me. I discovered my own gratitude practice, what I am now calling, “thankful runs”, on the beach in Cardiff.  I am so deeply grateful for this place.

On Sunday along the coast, I watched a woman push her husband in a wheel chair so he could enjoy the glorious view also. I am thankful for that simple, pure, giving love.

 I am thankful for the little boy I saw fishing with a pole he created himself. His focus. His carefree nature. His drive to succeed.

I am thankful for the fresh breeze that comes off the water and the way the sand feels inbetween my toes.

I am thankful for the strength of my legs.  That they have the power to push through the stress, anxiety, and fears.

My “thankful runs” allowed me to notice the beauty around, but also gave me time for reflection.

I am grateful to be an MFT. For the opportunity to be in a field where I get to help people at the most precious times in their lives and that they trust me.

I am thankful for the laughter and joy that comes when with great friends. I had a night out with Lily and Al, we laughed and danced more than anything. There was so much joy. I am thankful for that joy and the feeling that overcomes you when you are surrounded with those you love and no one else in the room matters.

Over the weekend, I got to meet Dallas’s mom and sister. What a beautiful, loving family. I feel grateful to have met them. I feel thankful to be a witness of the unconditional love and warmth they have for one another. It was real, in the best kind of ways.

This week’s leaf is a bit scattered. I knew I wanted my new leaf to be about gratitude practice, but as the week went on, I did not really know how to put it all into words. What it came down to was this, I woke up each day enjoying and recognizing the simple, yet incredibly valuable things in my life. I took time to love the moments and to be appreciative of this one of a kind life I have. I am left feeling peaceful. It’s a breathing, loving, laughing, the world is brighter and more giving kind of feeling.

My “thankful runs” will forever be a ritual of mine. How are you simply thankful in your life?

Leaf Twenty-six: Open

This past week was filled with many moments of wholeheartedly living, which are always my favorite kind of weeks and as I thought about what my overall feelings was throughout the wholeheartedness, what I kept coming back to was: open. Living, breathing, thinking, feeling, giving, with an open mind and heart. Leaf twenty-six marks my halfway point on this journey and there is no doubt that my heart is more open than ever before. What an incredible, beautiful ride it has been thus far. I wake up every day feeling stronger, happier, and ready to embrace what lies ahead. I am thankful, blessed, and overwhelmed with joy.

I am not really sure with where to start with what I have felt this the past week, although very exciting, it has been a bit of a whirlwind…a good one.

Monday started off with a beach walk with Lily and Allison and Lily’s pup Arnold. It has been amazing having the beach less than five minutes from my house to take advantage of. I have spent more time than ever before enjoying its proximity. Every day I drive by expressing great thankfulness and an “I can’t believe I live here” for the beautiful Cardiff by the Sea.  I have noticed the biggest change in myself since I moved a month ago. It is a relief to come home to a place that I absolutely love and to a person who truly gets me...I couldn’t   ask for anything more!!

My week continued with exciting news at work, a date night to the movie, Ted (hilarious!), a night out in downtown dancing, another movie night with the girls to Magic Mike (hilarious on a whole different level), and a weekend with family in Laguna. Needless to say, wholehearted living at its best!

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I met a special someone who I could be my real, authentic self with. While it is still too soon to say where we are going, I am truly enjoying the direction things are progressing. Dallas has quite frankly taken my breath away and may be the most refreshing man I have ever met. He is honest, kind, caring and truly interested in who I am as a person. Never before have I met someone who I feel completely comfortable to be myself with. I know part of my ability to experience this connection with him is due to the personal work I have taken on over the past year. I believe wholeheartedly that when we are able to rely solely on ourselves and are okay with being alone, we open ourselves up to something greater.

One of my favorite things about Dallas so far is the love he has for life. It is evident how much he enjoys the company of others and having a good time. I myself am quite the social butterfly and thrive on the moments where I feel free of the everyday stressors that surround me. After a long day at work on Thursday I decided to join Dallas for a night out downtown at a nightclub. It was such a treat to break my weekly routine and do something out of the ordinary. I don’t really know much about the techno music scene, but I had a fabulous time moving on the dance floor with Dallas. He seemed to be completely carefree and simply soaking up being out for a good time. It was refreshing to share the night with someone who meets you in the same place that you want to be. The place of living in the moment and embracing everything that’s around and being perfectly content with it.

It has been an exciting week. There is something to be said about having butterflies and loving every second of it. I feel that my heart is open, in the best kind of ways and regardless of where Dallas and I go from here, I already recognize the genuineness of my connection with him. It is real on so many levels and for that I will have no regrets moving forward.

I leave you with this, some words of wisdom I came across one day that are definitely worthy of sharing:

“It’s the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking for it!”

<div style='text-align:center;font-size:11px;font-family:arial;font-weight:normal;margin:10px;padding:0;line-height:normal'><a href='http://www.dwellable.com/a/340/San-Diego/Cardiff-by-the-Sea/Vacation-Rentals' style='border:none'><img src='http://www.dwellable.com/dwellback/340.jpg' style='width:102px;height:20px;border:none;margin:0;padding:0'><br>Cardiff by the Sea on Dwellable</a></div>

Leaf Twenty-five: Coming home

This week I traveled to my hometown to spend time with my family. There is something about Cedar City, Utah that will forever hold a piece of my heart. Although I do not plan to reside there again, it will be place that I always return to. Something I have learned throughout my journey to wholehearted living is about the importance of owning my story. It would be impossible for me to claim who I am without owning where I came from. Since I started fifty-two leaves about six months ago, I have not been back home to visit. I have seen my family on multiple occasions, but there is nothing quite like returning to the place that held you during your most impressionable years. For me, growing up in Cedar City is an experience I would not change for the world. While it has had its pros and cons like any other aspect of my identity, it granted me with incredible gifts that I will cherish for all my life.

 Coming home is a new leaf because I have yet to return with the openness and love for life that has fulfilled me these past six months. I am beginning my seventh year away from the place that raised me. It is hard to believe how quickly time has moved and how much has changed, and how much I have changed since I was 18. When I left, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. I was insecure, scared, but always hopeful. My sense of hope carried me, giving me strength to dig deep and find myself. A part of me used to resent Cedar City. Growing up, I felt out of place, somewhere between a Mormon and not. Throughout my adolescence it was all about “fitting in” and “being normal”. On the outside, I was impeccable at appearing “perfect”, but on the inside I was deeply struggling with a belief system that I could not manage to hold in my heart. Though I desperately wanted to be a “perfect” Mormon like a lot of my peers, there was a stronger part of me that wanted something more.

Throughout the years, I have found that something more…it is my own sense of spirituality. It took a lot to break away from a belief system that held me for much of my early life, but once I moved forward there was no turning back. For me, I believe that religion is something that we come to claim on our own, as we figure out who we are and what we want out of life. Although I tried to make Mormonism mine for many years, I knew in my heart it never would be me, nor do I think any religious institution ever will be again. And I am okay with that. I believe there is something out there bigger than me, whether it’s a God for some or a higher power for others; I know in my heart something connects us all. I see it in my work as a therapist, when I come home to my family, when I visit my mountains, when I run on the beach, in my relationships with friends, and the list goes on and on. To me that is my religion: thriving in life, giving to others, and loving deeply and compassionately.  

This change has aspired over the past few years, but committing to living wholeheartedly added the next piece to the puzzle. Although the journey is never ending, I am able to truly come home…to be me, free and authentic. It has been something I have worked on since I left and I have slowly achieved with each visit. This time was different because for once I understood what home meant in my life. There is a lot that goes into owning my story, Cedar City happens to be a very big piece of it.

Small town life is difficult to put into words…I think to really understand it you actually have to live it for yourself. There is no rush hour, no traffic, you never go anywhere where you don’t know someone, but you can always go somewhere to be completely alone. That is probably something I miss the most about living in Cedar, the ability to escape when you needed too. It is incredibly peaceful to be in place where you can be fully alone with your thoughts, where the air is fresh, and the wind is all you hear. My favorite spot in the world is my cabin located in the mountains about an hour east of Cedar. From the time I was a little girl there has never been a place I longed for more. We visited frequently growing up and it was the one place that always has and still does remain consistent in my life. I miss it dearly, but recognize its value in my life the longer I am away. While I love the beach, the beautiful weather, and the vast opportunities in California, my mountains are irreplaceable and that will never change.

Okay I lied, the thing I miss the most about home is my family. Although coming home often feels like I am 16 again, I cherish the time we have together. We are all very close, probably too close at times, but nonetheless have an unconditional love for one another that never waivers. For me, there is nothing better than family dinners with my parents, my grandma, my two brothers, and our three dogs. We all get each other on the deepest kind of level and don’t even need to exchange words to know what everyone is thinking. Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my family, whether we were at my cabin or on a trip, we did many things together. As a teenager, I wanted my independence and often fought my parents for taking me away from my friends. Now as I look back, I appreciate so much the valuable gifts I have been given from my family. I know my mom misses me dearly and wants me closer, but is finding her way to let me go. Time apart truly makes the heart grow fonder…I appreciate the graciousness of my mother and the vivacity of my father more than ever before.

 During my last year of high school my aunt and uncle and their two kids (now three) moved around the corner from us. For me, it was the greatest thing in the world having them and the kids so close. My aunt Sadie has been like a sister to me all my life. Growing up, there was not anyone else who I looked up to more or wanted to be just like. She was such an important, amazing part of my life so it was only natural for me to be a part of her kids’ lives. I remember being 14 years old and staying with her oldest McKrae when he was only 2 while she was away a cheer camp. There was never a second thought given to it and I chased him around all week. When her daughter Ainslee was born, she became my little princess, especially after they moved to Cedar. I spent so much time with the kids...and Sadie and Cris supported me in everything I did. We’d have BBQ’s almost every Sunday night. When I left for college, Sadie would have Ainslee call me at least once a week. My biggest fear was always that she was going to forget me. But somehow Sadie made sure that never happened. Every time I came to visit during college, much of the same traditions took place, McKrae and Ainslee kept growing, but the same spirit always existed. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had this fantasy that life could continue on like this forever. I could be far away, but always able to come home for long periods of time.

Like they always do, things changed. While moving to San Diego was the next part of my journey, it also was my first step into adulthood and away from my family. Sadie’s youngest Josilyn was born that New Year and I was only home long enough to see her in the hospital before I drove back to California. When McKrae and Ainslee were born, I was part of much of their early life and I knew that would not be the same for Josilyn. It has been so enjoyable to spend time with her during this trip home. At 18 months, she is absolutely beautiful and although only wants to be with her mom, she makes me smile with her laughs and wobbly walk. As always, I had a wonderful time with my parents and brothers. I am sad to see the week come to an end. It is a bittersweet feeling…on the one hand I can’t wait to get back to my life in San Diego, but on the other, I tear up knowing what I am leaving behind.

Cedar City is one of a kind and a place that is an invaluable piece of my story and journey to a wholehearted life. I am thankful for this trip home, for my family, and the incredible love I feel.

“Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life. No matter what.” –Unknown

Leaf Twenty-four: Staying Real

“Staying real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll get to fight. –Dr. Brené Brown

On Monday, my anxiety levels were exceptionally elevated and like usual, my self-critical, need for perfection behaviors were ready to take charge. One of the glorious things about self-exploration and personal growth is the heightened awareness I have emotionally, physically, and psychologically. When I am feeling overwhelmed and insecure, it is becoming easier to identify the numbing factors I typically turn too such as “being perfect”. In class on Monday, I had to give a presentation of one of my cases, one in which I was struggling with, insecure about, and unsure how to be useful to the clients. Once the feedback came in, although constructive and helpful, I felt flooded and broke down into tears. It was the “not being good enough” mentality (per usual) that got to me. One thing that has been especially difficult for me to embrace in my development as therapist is the fact that this is not a field measured by being “good enough”. I have come to realize that there is actually no such thing. Being a therapist is about being real, open, and embracing the constant knowledge put in front of me. It takes years of experience to develop a real understanding of how people work, and even then, each day will be a challenge. As you can imagine, someone like me who has always known how to be “perfect” in situations, jobs, classes, etc., transitioning to accepting the unknown has been a difficult journey. Nonetheless, like I have said before, and like I will continue to say, it has been the most beautiful, thriving, fulfilling process of my life.

After my breakdown in class, I knew I needed to get underneath what I was really going on. While it was rooted in my need for perfectionism, on a deeper level, it was contained in my fear of rejection. So like always, I went on a long run, cleared my head, talked a few things out with my roommate Al, and turned to Brené’s words to get inspired. What it came down to was vulnerability.  And for me, while vulnerability makes me feel more alive than anything else, it also terrifies the shit out of me. For the few days leading up to Monday, I had felt especially vulnerable. I was nervous about my presentation, anxious about future jobs, and experiencing a lot butterflies for an exciting someone I had met a week earlier. My fear of being rejected was present in each situation and instead of being authentic; I felt a need to be accepted and for me, a need acceptance often leads to me feeling insecure. Brené put it nicely, describing that when she enters a situation where her goal is to feel accepted, she typically feels shame. Whereas when her goal is to be real and authentic, she has no regrets. I think this spoke to what I was feeling, when I am scared about getting rejected, I am more likely to feel shame whereas when I chose to be real, and love myself for it, I feel okay regardless of the outcome.

My leaf this week was about staying real. By focusing in on what I was experiencing on Monday, I was able alter my state of mind and have a really great week. There were multiple days where I felt vulnerable, nervous, and scared, but I always made my goal about being authentic and myself. At work, in school, and with the exciting someone I mentioned earlier, I embraced being real and honest. I felt alive this week and although it is too soon to tell where things are going with the exciting someone, it is incredibly refreshing to feel comfortable to be my authentic self with him. As I said earlier, vulnerability is a powerful piece in our lives. It evokes fear and uncertainty. But without it, the deepest, most profound connection would not be possible.

Leaf Twenty-three: Making Moves

Last week I took the plunge, committed to a year lease at a new apartment, and started my next chapter. I decided a while back that I wanted to stay in San Diego post graduate school, but was not completely sure what that would look like or even if it would be a possibility. I have held onto the idea and worked hard to follow my heart to achieve what I need at this time. These past two years in San Diego have been the most telling of all my life and there is no doubt this is the happiest, most content I have ever felt. I also know my journey here is not yet complete and am I thrilled to truly begin the next chapter. It was both exciting and terrifying to sign a lease and commit to stay when I am uncertain of what life will look like after I complete school the end of August. Ultimately my goal is to have a job lined up in my field by that time, but I also know it is important to be realistic.

Making the move to a new apartment, in a new area in San Diego has been a leaf I have been looking forward to fulfilling. Although I am uncertain about the future, I am committed and motivated to this next stage in my life. It is really time for me to grow up and move into adulthood. Grad school definitely helped me prolong this step, but it also facilitated a space where I could figure out who I am and what I want for myself. Making a decision and believing in it has been one of the most empowering feelings I have ever experienced. To have faith and trust that I have what it takes to find my way gives me strength and hope.

It has been less than a week since I moved into my new place and I already feel such a different energy within myself. I am living with my good friend, Allison, who has been such a breath of fresh air for me. I am so thankful for her kind heart and sweet spirit and especially for the many adventures we have ahead of us.  Al is one of the most loyal individuals I have ever met. Her genuine care and love for others is powerful and I am grateful for the opportunity to share such an exciting part of my life with her. I love being able to come home and feel completely at ease and safe to be exactly who I am. And it’s even better that our good friend Lily lives right around the corner. Basically, we all have a lot to look forward too.

Making moves is an inspired leaf. Despite a hectic schedule the past couple of weeks and uncertainty about the future, I am feeling calm and ready for what is next. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned about wholehearted living does not include the absence of stress, pain, discomfort, sadness, etc., but the ability to sit amidst it and know I have the strength to get through it.

Leaf Twenty-two: Cookie Loving

One of the most incredible things about living wholeheartedly is being able to love wholeheartedly, not only myself, but those around me. My leaf this week is multifaceted in a number of ways. First, it is of deep gratitude to an amazing woman that has touched my life is so many wonderful aspects. My beautiful, inspiring, silly friend Cookie left last Thursday to move back home. It was an emotional, heart-wrenching day as I knew my days would no longer be brightened by her one of a kind presence. I was very sad to let her go, but overwhelmed with a feeling of thankfulness to have shared the last two years with her. Honestly, there are not enough words to describe the beauty of this woman. She brings something that is so special no one will ever be able to walk in her shoes.  Cookie taught me how to love myself in the best kind of way. Mostly, Cookie taught me how to be ridiculously silly. She demonstrated the importance of embracing the laughter of the moment and letting go of the world around us. She gave me a freedom to express myself exactly how I am. There was never a day when I had to be anyone else but me for her and I hope she knows how much that meant to me.  Cookie, I look up to your ability to connect with anyone in the room, your genuineness, and love of life that captivates those around you in a powerful way. Although I miss you so much, your spirit lingers with me daily and I cannot wait for your visit to San Diego!!!

Each week, I find myself thinking so much about connection and the healing power sharing with others has in our life. Cookie loving also represents the deepest kind of connection and growth. Besides Cookie, Al, and Lil, it is really difficult for the outside world to understand the underpinnings of our Master’s program and the journey to becoming a therapist. It is an extremely introspective, difficult, life-changing process that often leaves you feeling especially raw. The rawness provokes emotions that are hard to deal with alone. I know I speak for all three of us girls when I say, the bond and connection we have within this program has helped us battle many demons. In the beginning of seeing clients, we would meet at Cookie’s and Al’s house to debrief at the end of the week. One night as we were all sharing some of the struggles that had occurred during the past week, Cookie grabbed her evil eye off the wall and suggested we put our bad thoughts, feelings, etc. into it, as a means to let it go and leave it behind. So each of us passed the evil eye around, said what we needed to, and let it be. Later down the road, for Christmas, Al bought us all evil eye necklaces to wear to remind us to let it go. I will never forget this ritual because I believe it connected us each in a deeper way. We shared our vulnerabilities, insecurities, and love for one another in those moments, which I know paved the way for where we are today. Not only have each of these woman helped me recognize my own worth; they have shaped my ability to love with my whole-heart. 

 This week my heart is full as I close a glorious chapter in my life and open the next. Cookie, loving and sharing with you has enriched my life is so many ways. I love that our journey together never ends. What you, Allison, Lily and I have shared is something that will connect us forever, for that I am deeply grateful!

Leaf Twenty-one: Finding my baby black swan

This week’s leaf is inspired from a number of things.

First, I will start with the words of wisdom I received from my good friend and colleague, Alex. Last Thursday him, my other great friend Michael, and I met up for drinks. We were chatting like we always do and Alex mentioned to me something about being a white swan and that I needed to embrace my black swan. That night I really did not think much about what had meant. Last night, I met up with them both again for drinks, and we got talking, and this time Alex’s word made me think twice. He said, “Ashley you are a bird ready to fly, but your foot is chained to the ground”. I asked him what he meant by that. He went back to the black swan analogy from the previous week. He told me that I wanted to be the black swan, but couldn’t let go of the white swan. I took what he said in. I felt the black swan, work so hard to keep her in check out a fear that I will lose control. The problem is, when I never embrace her, she finds a way to get out of control.

Alex put it nicely, “The goal is to appear out of control to everyone else, but inside, you have complete control”. I am at a point where I have all the tools, all the knowledge of what I want; I just need to take the leap, have faith and let go. So this week’s leaf is just that, letting go and finding my baby black swan. Here she comes!!!!!

Alex and Michael have been a part of this journey from the beginning. They are amazing listeners and have helped me to own the most important aspects of my story. Working with them this past year has been an incredible, rewarding experience, and I am so thankful for their friendship.

My week was also inspired by a new song (of course!) I heard this on the radio for the first time yesterday on my way to work. I immediately fell in love.  It’s called “Glass”, by Thompson Square and here is one of my favorite lines from the song:

“I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.”

It inspired me because I think it speaks to who we are: humans, capable of shining and breaking, but mostly capable of loving. These past six months have helped me be more like glass. Before fifty-two leaves, I was never okay with being glass. Being fragile meant there was something wrong with me. I needed to be strong and unbreakable. I am learning to love myself and others on a deeper level. I am taking the good with the bad and I am believing that imperfections are beautiful.

 

There have been so many individuals who have helped me reach this place, especially my colleagues at Harmonium. They have allowed me to share parts of who I am on a spiritual level. They have taught me how to be brave and vulnerable. It is remarkable to me the capacity of connecting with others can have. How it facilitates an environment of change and helps heal the deepest of wounds. This weekend I am celebrating a glorious year with the amazing people I have encountered. It will no doubt be a time filled with immense joy. Thank you all for your inspiration, love and support.